To do this when we go out for dinner

[octoberstorms]

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22) Slightly complicated as we can only go to one location nearby a friends house as she's just had a baby and can't go far.

I have an eating disorder and am really really restricted on what I can eat because of it (currently in therapy) am also a vegetarian. Restaurant is a steakhouse which has no vegan options and only veggie options involve halloumi (which I hate!) and I don't like any of the accompanying foods.

I've mentioned this to my friends but as one person can only do this location due to baby they've said we can't go anywhere else unfortunately.

It's an early dinner due to the baby at 5pm so AIBU to go along and have a glass of wine/maybe a dessert then have something to eat when I get home or will I look silly?

Are you in Leicester?

I'm salivating at the thought of the place in Leicester that does just steak and fish.

Have three puds OP

OP you mention that you go out with your friends every few weeks, maybe they just want a change from Italian as this is all you seem to eat.

I see you are all early twenties,so perhaps the friend with baby is the only one with a child and it's a novelty and no-one else quite gets it. When you are all parents you will look back and see how utterly PFB she is being. Making you all eat out at 5pm and specifying where you go to make sure she can get back quickly. Baby is 3 months old!! She is being absolutely ridiculous and precious and everyone is pandering to her. Wouldn't be a friendship group for me I'm afraid.

Seems like this actually a thread complaining about your friends accommodating the young mum's preferences. As someone who has had both a baby and an eating disorder, I think that it's fair enough that you're meeting up at 5pm near the mum's house, sorry. I didn't feel able go out past 6 until my DD was 9 months old as I breastfed her to sleep every night. At 3 months the baby might still be in a colicky stage and crying every night.

Ultimately it's a choice between somewhere where you can eat something you find tasty but the mum can't/won't attend, or a place where you don't like the food but the mum can go. In those circs, I don't think it's unreasonable for the friends to want to go see the mum. As you say, it's an early dinner so it won't be a big deal if you just have a side plate and a glass of wine, whereas if you go somewhere else you will have a tasty meal but your friend will be excluded altogether.

You do have a very restrictive list of foods you would like to eat. I know an ED / recovery from one is different from fussy. But the impact on others is the same.

My mother is fussy. My dd is fussy. I remember traipsing round with my mother starving hungry and her husband before he died trying to find a place they would both eat at... he was also fussy. I would rather be fussy but it is impossible with others to find something to eat. My dd at 11 recently compromised for my mother and ate somewhere she didn’t want to and a food she doesn’t much like because she has better emotional intelligence than my mother.

sashh
Dd likes chef and spice a lot. She goes on about going there, which we do for everyone’s birthdays etc. Steak and fish restaurant sounds good!😂

Forgot to ask. Is she breastfeeding btw? You say she needs to be there to put the baby to bed.

What do you eat?? No halloumi, chips, meat, fish, Mac n cheese, crisps. Genuinely asking. What do you eat for protein? And what sort of restaurant doesn’t do salad? I was going to suggest eating salad and then get dessert.

So what exactly would you like to eat then OP?? You are quite frankly being absolutely ridiculous from also reading your recent updates. So let’s get this straight, you can’t/don’t want to eat
Halloumi, steak, fish, eggs, a plate of veges , bread, olives, Mac n cheese, crisps, fries, anything deconstructed. Anything else off the menu ??? 🤣 Just don’t go.

OP you are totally missing the point of this meet up. It is not about the food, it is about getting together as a group with friends and having a nice time. Particularly as one has a new baby and for totally understandable reasons wants to be close to home.

Your ED is making you focus on the food options and giving a frankly ridiculous list of things you won’t eat or won’t give value for money. You are missing the point about it being an enjoyable get together and instead turning it into a drama about poor you.

Your plan of sitting like a martyr and kicking up a fuss just shows that you are missing the point of an enjoyable get together. Just have the haloumi and eat the bits on the side. It is normal to order something and then not really like it. With side dishes, starter and dessert and wine there’s enough food.

Eat before you go out if need be, but remember the point is not the food but to see your friends. Don’t ruin it for everyone by creating a drama.

@Countryescape the OP wants Italian every time - if I was going out regularly for meals (which I did when I was the OPs age) then I would want a bit of variety.

This thread is another example of the decline in comprehension on MN.

@octoberstorms. Eating at 5pm so she can get back to put a 3 month old ‘to bed’ is bloody ridiculous. Not eating at the Italian because it’s not ‘fancy enough’, even though that means you could order something you’d enjoy is a selfish decision on someone’s behalf. Everyone travelling together except for you is horrible - we would take 2 cars, not make one person travel there alone by train.

Go as you seem to want to, but I’d focus on the friendship with the one person you like in future and not worry about the group much. You’re young, make other friends!!

Yanbu not to go. I suspect your friends are all really keen on this restaurant though and using the mum as an excuse to justify that rather then be honest and say they are very keen too. Especially if there's a more diverse lovely restaurant in the same town.

A plate of pasta is no more of a meal than a plate of vegetables. Bread is no less of a meal than pasta. Theyre both just the carb.

I think youre being quite unreasonable. There are many things you can eat for one bloody meal out.

Or you could choose not to go, or you could come after theyve eaten for a drink.

Incrediblysadtoo, It's the first time the new mum is out with mates since the birth, so I think it's nice of them to indulge her and encourage her out, even if she is being a bit PFB. It's one event, one meal. If it goes on to be every time, then it becomes ridiculous.

On the strength of one event not catering to the op, I wouldn't dismiss the friendship group. If it becomes an ongoing thing where she's never offered a lift or her preferences are never taken into account, then sack it off, but on one event that's focused on someone else, it's a bit ott to decide.

Red onion and goats cheese tartlet with limp salad - not even veggie ffs

What part of that is not veggie viques?
It isn’t vegan, but provided the cheese isn’t made with animal rennet it is vegetarian.

I would bet that the chips aren’t cooked in vegetable oil either.

As the parent of a vegetarian I am very happy to eat veggie/vegan food, but very occasionally I want to eat a steak. Since DD has gone to university our choice of eating out venues has widened considerably as we don’t have to take DD’s eating preferences into account.

Could it be that your friendship group have said something along the lines of “we always take octoberstorms preferences into account (and this limits where we can go), so just for a change we want to go where the mum of baby wants to go”?

I know someone who regularly takes their own tupperwear box of food to restaurants. Could you deliver something to the kitchen on arrival if you are concerned about looking different?

I see you are all early twenties,so perhaps the friend with baby is the only one with a child and it's a novelty and no-one else quite gets it. When you are all parents you will look back and see how utterly PFB she is being. Making you all eat out at 5pm and specifying where you go to make sure she can get back quickly. Baby is 3 months old!! She is being absolutely ridiculous and precious and everyone is pandering to her. Wouldn't be a friendship group for me I'm afraid.

How do you know that the mum has “made”everyone else do what she wants? It could have gone like this:

Friend 1 to New Mum: “You’ll have to come out with us next time we go out, if you feel up to it”
New Mum: “ah, it’s ok, you lot go out without me, i’d Need to eat early so I could be back to do bedtime feed/whatever so it would probably be a pain for everyone. I also can’t stay up too late at the moment as I’m only getting 4 hours unbroken sleep a night. Sorry. I’ll wait a few more months, don’t worry, you all go out the usual place/time and have a lovely time ”
Friend 1: “no, it’s ok, this is the first time you’ve been out with us all for ages so we WANT to do it how it works for you. how about we eat near you so you’re near home, we could book an early time slot. I’ll see if everyone else is ok with that. Baby isn’t little for long so it won’t be forever, I’m sure everyone won’t mind.”

Sounds like Everyone else WAS fine with doing that, even OP, as she agreed to go. If that’s the way it panned out, then they sound like lovely supportive friends. Why should they then change the agreed plans that they’re all happy with because OP has looked at the menu and won’t eat any of the veggie options available, OR compromise with potatoes and sides of veg/salad in any form. I am not at all a fussy person when it comes to food (although I was as a child) so if I was a vegetarian and didn’t like the one “official” vegetarian meal on the menu I would get round it by eating something veggie off the starter menu eg soup, or mushrooms, or having olives and bread, then for mains order a side of veg with whatever potato dish I fancied or ask them if they could do an omelette with salad, and then a dessert. Meal done.

OP is making everything very hard work by her extreme fussiness. From the sound of it you would only be happy eating pizza or pasta, OP. That is a VERY restrictive diet. If I had a friend who, every time we went out for a meal, insisted that we went to the same old restaurant because it served the pasta and pizza dishes I liked, I would get very fed up.

I love food and eating out and it’s part of what makes life enjoyable for me. I wouldn’t WANT to eat at the same place every time just to accommodate one very fussy friend. That would get very boring. I would rather socialise with that friend in a non food situation eg meet for drinks, or coffee or at someone’s house. I’m pretty sure a friend who had major issues with food would rather socialise in a non food situation too. WHY insist on attending group meals out when it’s very restrictive on everyone else? Just meet up with them afterwards or suggest you join them for coffee and dessert, as other people have suggested.

I don’t see the need for the drama.

Did you go out for the meal yet op?

@GiveMeAllTheGin8 Not yet, it's in Dec :)

Sorry I name changed lol