To do this when we go out for dinner

[octoberstorms]

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22) Slightly complicated as we can only go to one location nearby a friends house as she's just had a baby and can't go far.

I have an eating disorder and am really really restricted on what I can eat because of it (currently in therapy) am also a vegetarian. Restaurant is a steakhouse which has no vegan options and only veggie options involve halloumi (which I hate!) and I don't like any of the accompanying foods.

I've mentioned this to my friends but as one person can only do this location due to baby they've said we can't go anywhere else unfortunately.

It's an early dinner due to the baby at 5pm so AIBU to go along and have a glass of wine/maybe a dessert then have something to eat when I get home or will I look silly?

OP I don't think changing the restaurant would actually help you which is maybe why your friends are sticking with their original choice.

Your diet seems very restrictive to the point that I don't think you'd be particularly happy with any menu.

If you want to see your friends perhaps meet them before or afterwards for a drink. It seems like it would be best if you skipped the eating part and left them all to enjoy their food.

I don't like eggs!

Of course you don’t.

A plate of vegetables is a perfectly good meal for a vegetarian. I’ve had one many a time.

we have a family member who cant eat anything due to health issues.sometimes not even drink.but mosltly she can only manage water or a cup of tea.and there has never been a problem. noone bats an eye.and i would always say it is better to have her there than not.she is part of us and its not complete without her.and we tell her this.sometimes she cant come and thats ok too.

God, omelettes are fucking rank and I love eggs. Chefs and restaurants don't have to offer them, either.

I'm with you on the plate of vegetables thing. It's not a meal. But then, you've got some seriously warped eating.

I think they've actually noticed and are trying to send you a hint.

@Lindy2 I literally said that the other restaurant in town would be perfect and I'd have loads of choices on the menu 😂 it's a steakhouse we are going to, with a limited menu and I'm a vegetarian!

@dontalltalkatonce if they don't want dessert then I won't have any? But we've waited before when others have wanted dessert 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Qwerty3210 Thank you!

Friend with baby is being a drama queen, and op is being fussy.

@dontalltalkatonce
"God, omelettes are fucking rank"
Thank you!😂

"I also said I don't like 'bread and olives' as a starter, I didn't mean I don't like bread at all- I do eat it."

I don't personally understand this. Bread is bread surely?

Rather than expecting the entire party to fit around the inevitable baby, maybe the parent can do the decent thing and give it a miss.. Is the meal not the celebration of the baby's birth? Are you not a big fan of new baby mum? You're blaming her for everything when there's 6 other people choosing the same.

God, omelettes are fucking rank and I love eggs. Chefs and restaurants don't have to offer them, either.

I think eggs are rank but I’m fine with omelettes.

I'm with you on the plate of vegetables thing. It's not a meal.

Neither is a dessert. The question is does she want to go for the whole meal if so does she want to eat something or nothing.

A plate of vegetables is standard fare for a veggie - she could have them with potatoes if she liked them.

You don't like the food there so just don't go if you're not prepared to pick something that's just OK from the menu for the sake of catching up with friends. You sound like really hard work.

I have a similar friend, 3 of us agreed to meet for pizza and a glass of wine, she made such a big deal about the whole thing and the food, then eventually decided she'd just join when we'd finished our food and have a drink with us. She literally sat outside the restaurant until we texted to say we'd finished our food. Made the whole evening into a drama all about her. I really had no patience for it at the time, I had 2 very young children, was utterly sleep deprived and feeling pretty isolated and had been so looking forward to some friendly chat and a glass of wine, and was not in the mood for a big drama about nothing.

I’d be seriously considering how good friends they are. Whenever we go out, we always make sure that there is something for everyone on the menu.

And as for one person driving everyone but you, that’s really shitty.

It sounds like the friend with the baby is having a tough time so they’ve prioritised her. They didn’t know about the OP’s eating disorder so the choice at the point was to say “sorry baby friend, we’re not prioritising you anymore” and change or keep it as it is.

You have my sympathy Op. I have AN and really struggle eating out. My family are understanding and also check there’s things I’ll eat but those I know less well don’t understand. For eg everyone saying just get a salad (that isn’t on the menu) I eat very few salads in restaurants as most are terrifyingly calorific.
I think if you are happy to go and not eat then do. I don’t think people realise how many social situations revolve around food until you have an Ed.
As an aside I’ve found I’ve had more luck looking at the menu, working out what ingredients they must have and then suggesting a dish rather than saying can you make me any thing. But I do keep it v. Simple eg can you do me a grilled breast and undressed salad.

This is nothing to do with an eating disorder. They have booked a steakhouse when one of the diners is a veggie. They know (she’s told them, not expected them to know) that she doesn’t eat halloumi, that there is nothing on the menu she eats.

If my friends were this much effort to socialize with, I would refuse to eat out with them. It's exhausting!

The others don't want to eat in the Italian restaurant though.

Ring and ask them to do something for you, like an ommelett for example.

Is there a soup option, OP? I find that a lot of places serve a very nice soup dish with bread and butter and that it's plenty to satisfy me. If it's carrot and coriander or tomato and basil then it's a perfectly acceptable veggie option.

Obviously, if it isn't a veggie option then it's a non starter.

If they do macaroni cheese, could you not ask them to cook you plain macaroni?

Your friends are potentially being a bit awkward but you sound very difficult to be honest. I suspect there is a long history of this sort of negotiation every time you eat out together

I found steakhouse menu suitable for vegetarians online:

www.vrg.org/blog/2014/05/28/outback-steakhouse-vegetarian-and-vegan-menu-options/

Also looked at Angus steakhouses and there are many things on their menu which a vegetarian could eat.

I suspect there is a long history of this sort of negotiation every time you eat out together

Bollocks. It's a Christmas set menu. Meaning that there aren't many choices. I imagine there are plenty of options for OP when given a regular menu with more dishes.

OP has been ill FGS. I have no idea what eating disorders are like but I'm pretty sure it's a lot more than just being 'fussy'. If OP had written 'I have ASD so have problems with everything on the menu', there wouldn't be any of this dismissive shit I'm reading.

Honestly, I think you’re making a meal of this (pun unintentional). I get that an ED can make this a little bit more difficult for you but I’m just bog standard fussy - I don’t eat cheese or eggs (obviously eggs disguised in cake are fine). But one of my friends is veggie which means that some of the places I would love to eat are her worst nightmare and vice versa. We have a great artisan pizza place here, it’s not ideal for me, but occasionally that will be the choice the group makes. I have to decide whether to give it a miss or go and bodge something together I like (usually garlic bread and a salad). It’s about the company not the food per se.

And everyone is laying into a new mum. Baby is only 3 months old, still very much in the overwhelming phase. This is her first time out, it’s kinda a big deal. My first baby was a total nightmare and I didn’t do anything in the evening for, well, actually until he was about 3 but that’s more to do with DC2 coming along 18 months later. DC2 was generally an easier baby and was predictable in the evening, so I would know that he would feed to sleep about 6pm and be good until midnight.

My point is, you are both demanding, but her needs are actually greater than yours right now. If this goes well and you make this work for her then she will gain confidence and things might well go your way next time.

Just go, don’t eat if you don’t want to, but don’t make a drama out of it.

I think a PP upthread nailed it: these women are not actually close friends of the OP, and therefore they are less bothered about accommodating her at the expense of the new mum, who is part of the closer friendship group. This doesn't make them or OP bad people. OP isn't wrong for wanting to join in with these people she likes, nor are they wrong for not rearranging everything to suit someone who they consider a nice new acquaintance but not the most important person in the group.