To do this when we go out for dinner

[octoberstorms]

Having a Christmas meal out with some really good friends. (We are all aged 20-22) Slightly complicated as we can only go to one location nearby a friends house as she's just had a baby and can't go far.

I have an eating disorder and am really really restricted on what I can eat because of it (currently in therapy) am also a vegetarian. Restaurant is a steakhouse which has no vegan options and only veggie options involve halloumi (which I hate!) and I don't like any of the accompanying foods.

I've mentioned this to my friends but as one person can only do this location due to baby they've said we can't go anywhere else unfortunately.

It's an early dinner due to the baby at 5pm so AIBU to go along and have a glass of wine/maybe a dessert then have something to eat when I get home or will I look silly?

@ToEarlyForDecorations

You're a vegan until the dessert menu arrives. Yup. Same old.

OP says she’s veggie, not Vegan.

Food must not be that important to me coz having only wine & desert sounds ordinary. I don't understand the need to start this thread.

How underweight are you, OP?
When you write "am really really restricted on what I can eat "

what does that mean? Would you eat a bowl of pasta with vegetarian sauce & side vegetables, for instance?

This friendship group don't sound particularly nice, they are not supportive of your MH/Ed, they don't care you cannot eat at this restaurant and are leaving you to travel alone whilst they all go together.

And as for dictating 5pm in a set place so she can nip back and do bedtime.... FFS.... PFB at its best 3 weeks old I can understand, 3 months... Seriously...... Just a tad over dramatic!

Op I'd be bowing out of this and looking for better friends.

@MitziK please don’t make up a whole story about the OP’s eating. That’s all massive speculation and it’s quite unkind.

Also don’t make up things like hallucinations not being vegetarian, of course it is. Here’s a link to Sainsbury’s website on which you can clearly see the V for vegetarian.
www.sainsburys.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/gb/groceries/sainsburys-cypriot-halloumi-250g

*hallumi. Not hallucinations! there are enough hallucinations on this thread already!

@TatianaLarina haha that's true I guess! My nutritionist is trying to get me to eat more protein so I've been having chickpeas and beans lately but I have always preferred carbs. (I'm very tall and thin so I don't know if that's why?) my brother is the same.

@ToEarlyForDecorations I'm not a vegan?

Rather than expecting the entire party to fit around the inevitable baby, maybe the parent can do the decent thing and give it a miss.

I think it’s fine to just have wine and dessert so long as you tell them that’s your plan beforehand. I think you should make it clear on the group chat that you’re not keen on the menu and contacted the restaurant who aren’t able to make anything off-menu you like, however you will be happy to join anyway and have a drink and pudding.

I think not to make that clear and then to turn up and announce you won’t be eating will potentially look passive aggressive (even if that’s not your intention) and make them feel guilty. Or it may make them feel concerned it’s related to your eating disorder or even that you’re choosing to not eat for attention/ to make a point. It could make people feel awkward on the night which is potentially likely to jeopardise the friendship more so than telling them over the group chat now so if you want to avoid conflict definitely mention it now.

@MitziK I'm in recovery- I don't restrict. I eat 3 meals a day- proper meals! (I don't even like bread & olives so I wouldn't order that) usually I would order a starter (maybe a caprese salad/bruschetta/garlic bread) and then a main (pasta dish- I would eat the whole thing!) or pizza.

I'm just a tad underweight but that's mainly because I have a fast metabolism but I am in active recovery now.

OP, why are you even bothering to go? If I were you I would cancel. I have never understood why people do things that don’t suit them to the point of worry. (I am assuming this is worrying you otherwise why would you post?).

I would plan to do something else and just let people know you can’t make that evening now.

Would the restaurant let you bring your own food? Just so you don't feel left out when everyone's eating?

They don’t have any salads at all? I find that really hard to believe? What about just a side of veg? If your friends are aware of your disorder then they should be supportive of you as well

Surely they'd have a side salad to accompany steak or fish? I've never been to a steakhouse that didn't offer a side salad. I'm sure they do and could probably turn it into a larger main course salad if you ask on the night.

Most offer green veggies as sides as well - spinach, broccoli, etc.

They're no way they'll not have any greens at all

I had to ask if it could be, especially with the considerable number of ordinary foods you don't like or won't eat.

I'd just go for the dessert, then.

But if your nutritionist (nutritionist or State Registered Dietician?) is suggesting you increase your protein and you are still underweight, is it possible you're unconsciously restricting by sticking to carbs/foods you like/are familiar/seen as safe/that are immediate sources of energy?

DP does that. He gets anxious about feeling full/satisfied, whereas some Pringles and Haribo gets him just enough calories to not fall over and some bites of pizza mean he leaves 80% of it once he's taken what he thinks is a reasonable amount of time picking at it or cutting it into microscopic sized pieces, waiting for the majority to go cold so he can justify hiding it in the fridge or microwave until it goes mouldy saving it 'for later'. He also avoids any situation where people might see him eating, although his parents don't help with that much.

I don’t know OP - you say you don’t restrict and I’m aware that applies to portion sizes but you’re restricting your food intake in a different way by severely limiting the kind of food you will eat.

My anorexic friend did the same.

Sometimes the term ‘orthorexic’ is used when people restrict their eating to healthy food only which is actually masking an ED.

Doesn’t apply to you though as you seem to subsist on refined carbs!

I’m surprised as a veggie and recovering anorexic you aren’t more interested in making sure you get enough protein as your nutritionist suggested.

you are still underweight, is it possible you're unconsciously restricting by sticking to carbs/foods you like/are familiar/seen as safe/that are immediate sources of energy?

Exactly.

(xpost)

as long as this doesnt let the ed voice take advantage.so you must still have a meal afterwards.
i cant beleive they cant give you something.
try your best to have a dessert if you can.
and maybe ask on the night.you might get a nice worker or chef that will help rather than whover you asked before.

This is all a bit odd.
You don't like bread but you like bruschetta, garlic bread - but these are bread

Your list of likes is basicaly the Italian restaurant you would prefer to go to. You do sound quite rigid which is understandable with your ED.

You say this is the first time there has been an issue which is a good thing. I'm glad you're going but don't make it all about you. There is a new mum in your group of friends so cut her some slack, too - not everyone pops out babies and it is all easy, either.

Have your wine and dessert and eat at home - you will be ok.

and when you say nutritionaist.please say this is someoen a healthcare practitioner has put you in touch with.or a registered one.
no offence to anyone whos a nutitionist but there is a huge grey area where some are concerned.for instance your latest instragram influencer can run a two hour course and be on on certificate!

*The only way friend with baby has said she can go is if it's in this specific town at that time and the only restaurant in that town everyone wants to go to is this one.

There's actually a lovely Italian restaurant there too which has something everyone will eat but they don't want to go there.*

OP you are so bloody lovely - your friends on the other hand are totally selfish shits!!!

OP I'm in early recovery from an ED and I would still rather do anything than go to a restaurant. It is a whole load of problems, threatening my sense of control and triggering and revisiting many of the fears that led to my ED in the first place. I hate everything about it....feeling I am being forced to eat, not having control over the food in any way, feeling at the mercy of others, knowing it will potentially prey on my mind to the degree I'm tempted to starve the next day leading to the spiral downwards...I will only do it when I feel I can enjoy it. As it is one of the big sticking points for me, I am not sure that day will ever come. I'll keep taking small steps forward in hope though.

As for your friends, I don't think they sound so bad, apart from the lift and train thing. That's hard on you. No one would blame you for swerving this one and seeing them in the New Year.

Don't let it stand in your way of spending time with your friends, go to the meal, have a drink and a dessert and just enjoy the company of your friends.

You will not look silly at all, often I go for meals that consist of alcohol and fancy desserts only.

YANBU. Do what you want.