Can't afford Child maintenance payments.

[locco21]

Name change due to this being very outing!

DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Of course there's been bumps in the road but overall everyone gets on okay and preciously there have rarely been any big issues between DP and his ex.

However, DP's ex is one of those 'you're not seeing your kids' type if he disagrees with her at all. For example, if she wants to go out on a Thursday (not his contact day), and he can't change his plans to look after them she will text him 'you're a shit dad and you're not seeing your kids again-I'm changing their surnames' etc... kind of thing. Not very nice at all. However DP has learnt to cope with this and now only makes arrangements to pick the kids up and doesn't entertain anything else.

Moving on, DP's ex has recently become worse and has been messaging abuse to us both- also saying things to upset the children etc... and has completely took a flip on her child maintenance stance.

Previously, due to the horrendous amount of debt his ex left him in (he stupidly took it on as He didn't want bailiffs turning up at his children's home). The arrangement was for DP to pay a lower rate of maintenance, organised by himself and his ex- this is so he could pay the debt and stay afloat. We buy the children lots of things also- basically they don't want for anything from either parent.

However, DP has currently changed jobs, he is receiving a lower pay rate however is much happier in this job which is also more stable. He didn't even mention it and carried on paying his maintenance as usual. However now his ex is filing a CMS case (which I know she is more than entitled to do- before anyone says anything). But DP simply can not afford the rate in which he would have to pay as he is still paying their debts. After rent, debts, bills and maintenance he would not have a penny left- meaning no petrol, no food etc... he's really stressing and doesn't know what to do.

His ex has rang him and explained all of this and he asked if she was struggling for money etc... that's where the change of heart come from? She said no, she just wanted to make life harder for him. Very petty to say the least.

Anyway, Is DP BU to contest this? No idea how he can even?! But should he just bite then bullet and pay the higher rate even if he cannot afford it? He is a great dad and this has really upset him. We know she is obviously legally entitled to this money, but it's sometimes so unfair for some dads as the CMS system doesn't take circumstance into account very often..

Opinions and advice welcome! Thanks 😊

If you have kids you have to pay for them 🤷🏼‍♀️ I couldn’t just decide to take a lower paid job and then not pay for my kids, is it any different if they don’t live with you?

@Waxonwaxoff0 well she's obviously rigging it then 🥴 all I know is that, she gets her council house paid for. She gets money from parents and doesn't have to work- she has told us that she's in receipt of benefits so maybe she's being a fraud 😬😬 will take that into consideration when we are sorting things out- thanks for your experience!

@ChilledBee oh read the full post 🤣🤣🤣 jesusssss.

@Littlepond again read the full post!! He had no choice in the job change, company laid staff off. Would you rather he just didn't look for another job to support them at all?? A lot of dads would go unemployed to avoid maintenance- which is wrong on every level.

OMG. Youd advocate a man pretending to give up work so he doesn't pay for his children and can devote his money to his new household?

If the mother is a lazy, blackmailing, manipulative ***, then yes!

It isnt fine to fail to adequately support your children

What a shame their mother doesn't feel the same way.

I cannot believe people still defending the mother. Really? Sort yourselves out.

@DriftingLeaves

Totally agree with you! DP is getting lots of stick here for a dad who is trying his best to provide. Yes their mother may pay for them too- but it's definitely not her money she's spending on them 🤐 in turn, I wouldn't call that providing for your children...

What you really mean is your DH can't afford the debts he took on behalf of his ex partner who he has children with and pays child maintenance for. The maintenance is a red herring - the debt needs sorting.

The allocation from your partner to pay for his kids isnt influenced by her income. It is about his.

Anyone who think a dad can just stop paying for his kids because their ex doesn't work doesn't deserve to be a father. But don't worry OP, kids usually work out that their parents are arseholes eventually and then you'll get him and his money all to yourself.

Actually I'm dyslexic so probably wont even notice.
Your partner pays a pittance for his kids. You've said that from the beginning. You're bitching because he needs to now pay the proper assigned amount and you needed to rely on him to put you through beauty school or whatever it is.

Ohhhh @ChilledBee that's not very nice is it!! I actually have a relative who went through beauty school and is now on more than you could ever dream of🤣 but it's not beauty school no😘

Grab the bug spray 😂 I like what you did there x

You sound just like DP's ex, Hope your benefits come through okay at the end of the month x

My experience of the CMS is that by no means can the amounts they calculate be described as a "pittance". Nor does it bear any relation to the cost of bringing up a child, at either the lower or the higher ranges of the income scale especially.

My also-refusing-to-work exH receives enough money from me to pay all bills,mortgage, clothes, food for everyone and holidays for everyone. Effectively he is completely living at my expense, and obviously can't see any reason to go back to work. On top of that, his benefits money is just a bonus - he doesn't even spend it.

CMS calculations for the self employed do not deduct anything for expenses except pension payments. And if your ex lies to the CMS about how often the kids stay with you to up the payments, and the child is over 16, you can't get a contact order to prove them wrong. So the higher payment stays.

I scrape around with a large mortgage and buying second hand everything, and he thinks nothing of buying a new cooker for £500 when one ring on the old one goes 😬

But as a PP said, in the end the kids work it out.....mine are not far off being legal adults, so not long to go supporting a man-child ex, & the kids are already asking uncomfortable (for him) questions. Which I don't answer.

Good luck OP. It will get better, and you always have to remind yourself this is the only remaining link to the selfish ex. If you'd hadn't left them, that selfishness would be your whole life 😱

Yeah I'm a now SAHP with a hubby on 75k and an inheritance of over 2 million. I dont think UC will sign me up, love.

@ChilledBee oooooohh good for you hun!! You must be very proud xx

He sounds like a total loser. People who don't pay for their kids are.

Not as proud of you are of your barely earning partner whose trying to get out of providing for his kids!

@ChilledBee bless you. Anyway, I hope I never get to the point in life where I call my husband my hubby😂 you sound old and bored. Cya later chick xx

also @ChilledBee I wouldn't mention inheritance in future arguments where you're trying to display yourself as not a complete and utter cockwomble. It makes you sound like you're sitting there waiting for poor old nana or parents to pop their clogs. Then again I'm sure this is the type of person you are 🤣👏🏼

This thread has really shot off the maturity chart

I find it very hmm that he would arrange to pay a lower maintenance amount in exchange for paying off the debts.

Of course you can, if its a private agreement you can even tell the non resident parent no to pay maintenance in exchange for keeping most of the house. Obviously, this is not advised or recommended as the resident parent can break the agreement by contacting the CMS at any time.

Find it a bit ridiculous to consider fighting to get 50/50 split of the children with a contentious ex.

Believe me, it will cost you thousands of pounds more than what you would save in maintenance, especially if she can get legal aid due to the lack of income.

@IdiotInDisguise true, however 50/50 has been something DP has wanted for a long time- also means the children would get to see DP's side of the family more which is always good. 😁