Can't afford Child maintenance payments.

[locco21]

Name change due to this being very outing!

DP has 2 children from a previous relationship. Of course there's been bumps in the road but overall everyone gets on okay and preciously there have rarely been any big issues between DP and his ex.

However, DP's ex is one of those 'you're not seeing your kids' type if he disagrees with her at all. For example, if she wants to go out on a Thursday (not his contact day), and he can't change his plans to look after them she will text him 'you're a shit dad and you're not seeing your kids again-I'm changing their surnames' etc... kind of thing. Not very nice at all. However DP has learnt to cope with this and now only makes arrangements to pick the kids up and doesn't entertain anything else.

Moving on, DP's ex has recently become worse and has been messaging abuse to us both- also saying things to upset the children etc... and has completely took a flip on her child maintenance stance.

Previously, due to the horrendous amount of debt his ex left him in (he stupidly took it on as He didn't want bailiffs turning up at his children's home). The arrangement was for DP to pay a lower rate of maintenance, organised by himself and his ex- this is so he could pay the debt and stay afloat. We buy the children lots of things also- basically they don't want for anything from either parent.

However, DP has currently changed jobs, he is receiving a lower pay rate however is much happier in this job which is also more stable. He didn't even mention it and carried on paying his maintenance as usual. However now his ex is filing a CMS case (which I know she is more than entitled to do- before anyone says anything). But DP simply can not afford the rate in which he would have to pay as he is still paying their debts. After rent, debts, bills and maintenance he would not have a penny left- meaning no petrol, no food etc... he's really stressing and doesn't know what to do.

His ex has rang him and explained all of this and he asked if she was struggling for money etc... that's where the change of heart come from? She said no, she just wanted to make life harder for him. Very petty to say the least.

Anyway, Is DP BU to contest this? No idea how he can even?! But should he just bite then bullet and pay the higher rate even if he cannot afford it? He is a great dad and this has really upset him. We know she is obviously legally entitled to this money, but it's sometimes so unfair for some dads as the CMS system doesn't take circumstance into account very often..

Opinions and advice welcome! Thanks 😊

@Bollykecks she gets money from the bank of mum and dad now - as a single parent. Maybe she wasn’t when she was in a relationship and maybe didn’t need it?

I’ll bow to your greater knowledge on lenders accepting pocket money as a source of income! I would have thought that would only count if it was a regular payment from a trust or similar set up.

We don't know what she got ellis but op didnt make it sound like pocket money

It could have been a regular payment for a trust for all we know so saying youre certain nobody would lend on it is silly because you cant be certain without the facts.

@Bollykecks I said I think it’s unlikely that the ex had credit in her own sole name given that she hadn’t ever worked. I think you’re mixing me up with another poster, because I didn’t say it was certain. As you say - how would I know? I stand by my view that it’s unlikely though.

By using the phrase pocket money, I didn’t mean to imply the amount was small. I meant to imply that it’s not a formal earned income, but a bank of mum and dad style arrangement. Which is fine if you’re a single SAHM needing help, but a bit pathetic if you’ve avoided ever working by relying on your parents’ money.

Given the debt situation, I’m not really getting the impression the ex is a trustafarian!

The thing is they can't get blood from a stone. If OP's DH doesn't have the money then the CMS can't have any. He has to pay off his debts and pay his housing and living costs or he and OP will be homeless.

He will just have to build up arrears if they ask for too much and his ex will have ti get a job, maybe.

Tell her she is going to have to accept 50% of the debt she contributed to so that he can pay her demands....

bolly I said I was "virtually certain" that you can't obtain significant amounts of credit on the basis of cash from mum and dad.

I stand by that.

Let your uni know of the issues, you'd be surprised at what they can help you with. My uni is a small one and we have a legal advisor, they've helped me out of financially sticky situations too and they know who to contact to get you help where they themsleves can't help you. Even if you just email a lecturer you get on with, they'll pass it on which is what I did

@DriftingLeaves they just take it from your wages before you recieve if you stop paying it, and they add a collection fee on top of that

He has to pay off his debts and pay his housing and living costs or he and OP will be homeless. He will just have to build up arrears if they ask for too much and his ex will have ti get a job, maybe.

That's a horrible attitude. Providing enough for his kids should be his priority. Not making sure he and the OP live in the style to which they have become accustomed.

The thing is they can't get blood from a stone. If OP's DH doesn't have the money then the CMS can't have any. He has to pay off his debts and pay his housing and living costs or he and OP will be homeless*

If he doesn’t pay then they will just take it straight out of his wages.

The op can go back to work full time if she doesn’t want to be homeless

I know for certain that it's virtually impossible to get the sort of credit required to obtain debts that take a working man years to pay off and represent a significant amount of his income

When Dh and I went travelling for a year as 24 year olds, between us we had nearly 60 000 worth of credit available including 20 000 on one card. Neither of us were earning anywhere near that at that point but our credit card companies just kept upping the amount we could borrow. I can easily believe that a couple could burn through that sort of number if they weren't careful.

Unbelievable attitudes here. OP should give up her course to provide for the DCs of a woman too idle to provide for them herself.

Ridiculous notion!

If the DCs mother doesn't care enough to provide for them why should OP pick up the slack?

I hope the kids come to realise what sort of woman their mother is in years to come.

First wives club out in force again.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils oh I believe a couple could be given access to that money and spend it, even one on a low income. I'm challenging the view that a woman with no Income and who had never worked was able to obtain significant credit in her own name.

@DriftingLeaves I’m with you on this. Why should the op give up her education?!

I’d maybe understand if the op was thinking about studying and giving up work then maybe put it on hold. But not whilst in the middle of it. Ridiculous.

Imagine “my dh has debts and has been ordered to pay xxx in cm so he says I have to give up education to do so”

Pointless thread! We don't know how much he actually pays in maintenance, so no idea how much this contributes to the kids' needs.

We also don't know the size of the debt, and what is genuinely, his/hers/joint.

We also don't know how much OP earns and whether she is actually contributing 50% to all the bills with her PT job and loan.

Without knowing all the above, it just isn't possible to know what is fair and what isn't.

Without knowing all the above, it just isn't possible to know what is fair and what isn't.

I'm pretty sure expecting OP to support someone else's children is unfair. Whatever the other circumstances. But some on here think she should.

Daft.

I think people are saying that if the only reason she could give up full time work to study is because of his finances then she needs to realise that he isn't paying for his kids to pay for the added burden of her and that isn't right.

This guy has a lot on his plate. He isnt paying enough for his kids. Obviously has joint debt from his marriage..maybe he isnt the best pick, you know? Or if you do pick him you know you will e helping him carry this load.

she needs to realise that he isn't paying for his kids to pay for the added burden of her and that isn't right

Thats bollocks though isnt it? He'd probably be worse off alone...

DriftingLeaves, I'm actually the second "wife"... Well I'm the ONLY wife, but he had a relationship and a child before me, so I know first hand, if my partner was struggling to keep up maintenance payments (which at times due to job changes, redundancy etc he DID) then I subsidised the payments. I paid more for groceries, I covered more bills, I covered bigger chunk of the mortgage etc. Our household had a certain amount of expenditure that needed to be covered. If my husband was short for a few months I picked up the slack. At times it alternated between who needed subsidising.

OP needs to consider can she afford full time education and this relationship.
If she can't one needs to go.
Only she can decide which one.

I know I couldn't live financially comfortably, keeping finances separate whilst watching my partner struggle to put food in his belly.

We can all say he should do this, that or the other and the mother needs to do this, that etc. But OP has no control over other people. She can make suggestions tk her partner who might take them on board but she cannot dictate anything to the mother.

OP needs to consider can she afford full time education and this relationship.

She could if the ex was a reasonable person. I think if he went to the CMS with all his expenses then it won't be as much as OP fears.

Or maybe he could pretend to the ex he's giving up work. She'll get sod all then, and serve her right.

The fact that the children's mum doesn't have a job is irrelevant. He needs to pay maintenance either way!

The money is for the CHILDREN. Why are people failing to understand that?

Ahh so many replies! I said I'd leave this thread but feel like I should give a comment 😁

So first of all-

I will not be giving up my education that will one day lead me to my dream job. I've saved up enough to get me through plus excess, and my student loan is just a bonus.

Secondly-

OBVIOUSLY I'm not going to sit there and watch my DP starve, we do share some finances and have some separate but the posters who are commenting things like this are plain stupid 🤣🤣 get a grip.

The only thing I am not paying is DP's child maintenance, and I don't see why I should pick up the fall in every day expenses when everything in our previous arrangement was fine. Everyone was happy, DP's ex has admitted it was out of spite.

The only people who will sadly lose out is the kids. And I'm sorry that's the way it is. They have one parent providing, and one sat in her house everyday doing nothing- refusing like a child to get a job because she's supported too well by her parents and the benefit system (god knows how, when people in need of real help financially can't get it). By the way- both of her children are in school. Plenty of people around for school pick up and drop offs including us should she have ever asked.

Also- she didn't give up work to have her children as many people said! She has chosen to stay at home her whole life. She didn't have a job to leave when she had the kids...

When I say lose out, I mean we will have to stop paying half of trips, stop buying the kids all the extras- just so DP can afford the maintenance figure.

And thinking about it- we are so lucky to have the kids that we do in this situation. Because they are kind, they are thoughtful, and I know they won't mind missing out on the materialistic things because they just enjoy the family time that they spend with their dad and myself. We have a dog they love taking him in forest walks- we can make this work 😁 we would obviously still help out if they were in need of something essential. Before anyone jumps on that- we wouldn't see the kids in need- even I, the wicked step mum 🤣

I will not be choosing 'one or the other' ie my relationship or education. We've been together for a long while and I am not shallow enough to leave him when because he's financially struggling at the minute because of a job change out of his control. And all of the posters saying I should- I hope you never lose financial security and your partner leaves you!

This situation is temporary- DP will get his debt sorted, soon will have a higher paid role, I will graduate and hopefully get my dream job. Life will be fantastic one day I'm sure of it 😁

BUT, here's the best bit...

DP's ex, when we picked kids up... here's what she said...

"Sorry for causing a fuss the other day with the maintenance thing- tell you what, I'll drop the whole thing IF you change your days to the whole weekend every weekend"

When we asked why she said

"Because all my friends work in the week so I don't get to see them- most go out on Friday night"
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

What an absolute tool, using her children as weapons and bribery once again. By the way we have the children some of the weekend before anyone kicks up a storm.. Plenty of chance for her to go out and socialise.

Don't worry we won't be leaving it there. She can claim all she wants now. She is an absolute liability. We're going to get an arrangement in place ASAP for everything, contact, maintenance.

We have basically been having them 50/50 some weeks, some weeks more like 60/40. So I think DP wants to go for the 50/50. So we will see how that turns out 😁

Anyway, thanks for everyone's replies! Really helpful and me and DP are very grateful.

We found the 'op is considering stitching up a single mother' comment especially Funny so who ever posted that one- good one 😂

Thanks again x

The benefits system doesn't support you indefinitely when your children are school age, I've been through it myself. As soon as your youngest is in school you are made to go on JSA and actively look for work. So I find it hard to believe she is just sitting there on benefits, you cannot do that nowadays. The system is a lot stricter than it used to be.

our previous arrangement was fine.
It isnt fine to fail to adequately support your children
.