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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the household chores every day whilst he works

283 replies

Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:32

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

OP posts:
Keepmewarm · 15/11/2019 08:05

He sounds like my husband. He leaves a trail of mess wherever he goes. The difference is is that I’m the one doing 12 hour shifts.
We have completely different views on what is tidy.
I downloaded the organised mum method app. We both tick off what we have done.

spanglydangly · 15/11/2019 08:07

@Liveinmaid how long have you been on maternity leave?

Vulpine · 15/11/2019 08:07

Just wash up. It'll only take 5 mins. Be nice

Quartz2208 · 15/11/2019 08:09

Don’t do it he clearly does not respect you at all this needs sorting now

Look at his mum she did it and now does it all

Novemberblu3s · 15/11/2019 08:10

but if he is doing a 12 hour shift end you are at home all day, why wouldn't you do it? it's pure lazyness. nothing else .

he was probably knackered after his shift end now went onto another. When would you want him to do it? dont you think he might needs some sleep/rest at some point. Housework doesn't take more than 1-2h most days. what on earth are you going all day?

I find your attitude mind boggling.

Dontdisturbmenow · 15/11/2019 08:10

I asked him why the kitchen was such a mess and why there’s empty wrappers in the fridge, he said he will do it when he gets home like he does everything else.
Can't you see he is trying to make a point? It's ok for you not to wash up so he comes home to a mess, but him leaving a mess to be cleared in the evening is not ok?

You really need to both wake up to the stupid games you are playing. You need to get your act together and pull your way up and he needs to realise that playing the same game than you is not the way to deal with the situation in an adult way.

BarbaraofSeville · 15/11/2019 08:12

He has no fucking idea about 'doing everything else'. Stop doing any washing for him or his DC for a start and he might start noticing some of the invisible things you do as well as running him around and doing errands because he's not self sufficient at transport.

And if he can put empty wrappers in the fridge then why on earth can't he put them in the bin Angry.

yeahyh · 15/11/2019 08:17

Well he's a knob. Don't clean up his mess. He thinks you're now his housekeeper and child care. He sounds like a slob and I wouldn't be putting up with it. Having a job doesn't mean you leave your shit everywhere you go and someone else sorts it all for you. Expect with this attitude op that when the baby is born and you're at home 'doing nothing' he will expect everything done for him.

Kinsters · 15/11/2019 08:19

Agree, you need to communicate better. Stop with the passive aggressive trying to prove a point, stop reading into him looking at something you didn't do as him being mad at you. It's not healthy for your relationship.

I do think you need to be making an effort to get stuff done while he's at work. Obviously the house doesn't have to be spotless but you need to work as a team and work together so you've got time to enjoy together.

I'm still working (33 weeks atm) but I get home a couple of hours before DH so I'll do some hoovering or cleaning if I'm feeling ok (getting less and less often tbh!), dinner will be ready when he gets back and I'll do the washing up while he goes upstairs to sort out the cats/relax a bit. Gives us more time to relax together in the evenings.

At the weekends we both do some cleaning if we can be bothered but I prefer to have got it done during the week, again so we can spend quality time together.

It sounds like neither of you feel appreciated, maybe try and talk calmly about that and see how you can make each other feel happier/make your lives less stressful.

NameChangeNugget · 15/11/2019 08:20

You sound like the female of a cocklodger

vivacian · 15/11/2019 08:21

This needs deescalating. You're both trying your best, tired and feeling taken for granted. One of you needs to try something different, choose a good time to talk things through and really, really listen to the other's perspective.

Kinsters · 15/11/2019 08:25

It's a two way street though and your partner needs to make an effort for you, just going to work is definitely not enough of an effort.

Tinkobell · 15/11/2019 08:25

Sorry but I think texting his mum to tell her what a naughty boy he is, is rather pathetic. What do you expect her to do ffs, tell him he's been a very bad boy and won't getting pudding for a whole week? Sounds like you both need to grow up.

JustDanceAddict · 15/11/2019 08:28

I have to say I think it is reasonable if you’re at home. I work p/t but get home by 5 and do most of that on a daily basis!! Dh gets home 2 hours later and often works in the evenings.
He usually clears up after dinner (that I cook) and does the bins, diy, a bit of tidying!! We do have a cleaner though.

Napqueen1234 · 15/11/2019 08:28

I think it’s different if he comes home and expects to come home and for you to cook dinner and wash up after but coming home to mess and washing up after a long day is horrible. I sympathise I’m pregnant with a toddler, work 28 hours a week and do the bulk of housework on my day off and when WFH but my husband never comments or criticises and comes home and immediately takes over all toddler duties so it feels fair.

zingally · 15/11/2019 08:29

YABU.

That being said, I'm guessing you're heavily pregnant? But if you're at home all day and not working, I'd expect you to be doing the majority. Not all, certainly. But most.

Mumofone2001 · 15/11/2019 08:33

I have a 2 year old and since I moved to part time I do dishes and washing as when my husband gets home it's getting late. It takes about 15 minutes of my day to do dishes, wash and hang clothes (either side of the 2 hour wash). I don't think it would be too difficult to do a bit more?

Also the voting isn't going to be accurate as I put YABU but then read you switched the voting around so yabu means HE is being unreasonable so changed my vote, whereas other people might not have noticed that!

Batmanandrobin123 · 15/11/2019 08:34

You haven't actually said what you're doing all day. From what I've read YABVU.
You're home all day and you don't have small children to look after. So what are you doing?
I would be livid if my DH was home all day not working and left me a pile of washing up for when I got in. Housework takes 2 hours max, not even that as most things don't need doing daily.

Jakkipu · 15/11/2019 08:35

Well,

I would do the housework in general but toothbrush spit? Nah.
I would leave everything he has made a mess of to prove a point. There is a difference between the general chores and actually cleaning up after him. He is a grown adult ffs!
I have been known to go on strike. Sometime si take pictures of how the house is left in the morning and WhatsApp them to hubby to point out how fucking unfair it is for me to have to go around and clean up after animals!

adaline · 15/11/2019 08:35

It's difficult.

I would be really pissed off if I'd been at work all day, DH had been home and the sink was full of dishes.

But at the same time he should be tidying up after himself and it's not your job to be his personal housekeeper. Him working 12 hour days doesn't render him incapable of putting mugs in the sink and crumbs in the bin.

TheoneandObi · 15/11/2019 08:44

You need to sort this out, whatever the rights and wrongs of washing up. There’s a baby on its way and for a start those 6am and 6pm drives won’t be happening. Why doesn’t he drive? You’re on maternity leave. I recall that as being a time to nest and rest and prepare.
As for housework in the day well yes if you’re at home you should be doing the lions share. But hint you’re as big as a house and struggle to get up the stairs.i was a sahm for several years and did make a point of maki g sure the house and children were ‘done’ by the time OH got home. But thereafter we shared duties
Your OH sounds like a bit of an arse If I’m honest. Under the circs

QuizzlyBear · 15/11/2019 08:46

Sorry OP, I think that if your partner is working for 12 hour shifts and you're at home then yes, of course you take care of the 'home' duties. When should he do it? In the couple of hours between getting in and bed?

In our house I wfh and my DH is out of the house for 12 hours. I take care of the household tasks because someone has to and he earns much more (therefore his work has to be our priority). To expect him to do it when you're right there seems a bit... lazy?

Or just get a cleaner. I hate cleaning.

80daysaroundtheworld · 15/11/2019 09:04

YABU.

Wow. I really think he should not have to come home and wash dirty dishes whilst you are doing the bare minimum - bang out of order

thebadcop · 15/11/2019 09:06

image a poster posting on here saying she worked 12h shifts all whilst the DH is at home all day and not even willing to do the dishes.

she would be told to leave the cocklodger.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 15/11/2019 09:11

It all depends on how you are feeling. In late pregnancy I was very ill and exhausted. I ended up having a Csection and the baby was quite high needs crying if i ever put her down, so after the baby was born it took ages to get back to normal. Dh did all he could and we just put up with anything we couldn't manage. Now dd is a teenager and I do most of the housework and dh only really does jobs on his days off and he picks the ones he finds easiest. At the same time if I wanted to leave the washing up till the morning or something, that would be up to me and he wouldn't fuss about it.