To do the household chores every day whilst he works

[Liveinmaid]

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

You posted about this before @Liveinmaid what has changed since your last thread? The responses on that thread were very different if I remember correctly, do you have a link to it so people can get a better idea of all that has been going on?

How is 'not doing the dishes' the same as '37 weeks pregnant and he leaves mess everywhere he goes intentionally and intending that I will pick up everything after him'. Some people have such a low bar and really believe it's their job to pick up after men.

He's hoping you'll think it's not worth the arguments and give in. Then he'll continue to drop everything at his backside, to let you be responsible for all the DCs and he'll still sit in judgement on whether your efforts are good enough or not.

I think it's time to draw a line. If you struggle to impose boundaries maybe relationship counselling will help. He needs to hear that this isn't acceptable and that you're not his mum. You might be better starting a new thread in Relationships, OP.

When I read this last night I thought.. YABU. (Although I suffered bad with my hips at your stage of pregnancy and couldn't have done half of it). Because he is at work all day etc etc and I compare that to myself who is on mat leave (DD is 5 months now).
However I've caught up. YANBU.
My reasons have changed.
My partner works.. 10hour days or so. Sometimes more sometimes less.
Every day I
Wipe kitchen down
Prep bottles
Prep formula (ocd maybe? I like to have it.. ready).
Fluff cushions in living room
Wipe windowsill, fire place and TV unit
Wipe dining table down
Cook
Wash up

Alternate days I hoover, (aim for tuesday and Thursday), downstairs. Those days I don't i use a portable hoover just for a top up and febreeze everywhere.
Washing done as needed (twice a week on average).
Ironing done once a week (used to be hours every couple of months but now I've changed it it's not even 10 minutes once a week).
Duvets changed and washed on friday
Bathrooms done on Monday
Whole house hoover at the weekend.
And some days I do an 'extra' thing. Like clean the fridge. Front of cupboards. Clean front door.

The daily stuff takes me 30 mins or so. If its extra then its maybe one hour 30 for the lot.
I dont mind doing it. A lot of it stems from when I expressed from my DD there were just not enough hours in the day to do everything and go out.
I switched to formula for my sanity and it made my day so much smoother.
DP appreciates that I do this. It frees up our evenings and weekends rather than spending a whole day doing housework which I started to resent.

However.
I will not pick up after him. If he's left a mug upstairs I will only pick it up if I'm doing the washing up at that time. Same for clothes. He normally puts them in the basket but if he hasn't and I'm about to do it then I'll grab them.
Other wise I will not pick up after him.
Yes I like the house tidy. But I am your partner. Not your mum. Not your slave or made. I dont get paid enough for that. I have DD to run around after

Besides. When you give birth trust me the last thing you may want to do is take him to and from work twice a day.
Nearing the end of your pregnancy and full term I would suggest he starts making his own way to work. This would also give you more time and hours in the day to do as you wish. Whether that's clean, read a book, or grab a bath.

*expressed for my DD

(As for the ham and stuff in the kitchen..he said he will do it. Let him do it. If he moans tell him you were going to tidy it up but he said he would sort it )

I did everything on mat leave because DH was at work ten hours a day and I didn’t think it was fair for him to return home and have to do more work. Now I have returned to work, we share the chores between us which again is fair.

I think if you are sitting around at home all day, you should at least do the chores. Being heavily pregnant always made me want to clean everything anyway, I once woke up at 4am and started frantically cleaning the bathroom .

but you missed the bit about him carrying the pregnancy, doing half of the labour and birth, having half the stitches, doing half of the breastfeeding and half of the childcare 

You missed the bit where the baby hasn't been born yet.
You ado missed the bit where he is suffering from toothache

Look the shit is really going to hit the fan if you can't sort this out between you before your baby arrives.

You both need to sit down and have a proper chat about joint expectations. Reach an agreement you can both live with.

All this ignoring washing up and leaving pants on the floor would do my head in.

I agree we need to communicate better on this, we do get on really well most of the time and it’s rarely a row. I have spoke to him since and he said that he feels he does help out and hopes we can sort this out which I’m obviously up for doing and we need to have a talk about what gets done, by who and when. I said we both are feeling the same and needs to cut each other some slack and we must have been feeling this way for a bit but both just got on with it but I’m interested to hear what he thinks he does. I’m not gonna press it whilst he’s at work because let’s face it, who needs it while they are working.

I didn’t text his mum to grass on him, he actually text her to vent his frustrations I imagine and she messaged me after asking what had gone on So I said arguments about household chores and it went from there.

To those who are asking what I actually do all day, I don’t need to ensure I am busy with a full to the brim calendar every day to level out the fact he’s at work, I do the household jobs but it takes the piss when it’s not kept clean and tidy which has been my consistent gripe throughout the thread. The chipping board thing last night took the piss and was probably retaliation For having to do the washing up but working 12 hours doesn’t exempt him from all chores and when I’ve already had conversations with him about helping me a little more and he’s agreed, but then nothing gets done of course I’ll feel under appreciated? But I also understand people will also feel as strongly as what I do that I should be doing it all! Opinions eh!

YANBU OP. If you let this slide now you'll be making a rod for your own back in the future. Its hard to get him to do house work now it'll be a nightmare after 9 months getting him to get back into doing it when you go back to work.

Aw, I really feel for you OP. I hope you can both keep talking and trying to understand each other's perspective.

And cleaning away your own phlegm.

I voted YABU because obviously if you're home all day you should imo be doing more of the household chores however him making a mess everywhere and expecting you to be his personal servant is VU, also at 37 weeks pregnant you shouldn't be killing yourself either

Glad you have agreed to talk OP. Remember to treat each other with kindness, it will gone long way. I dont get all the aggression on both sides of this argument - between yourselves as a couple - and what the posters say on here. Aggressive attitudes dont work with people. It's really unhelpful.

As for the poster saying that your OH clearing up after himself is just basic adult behaviour - well yes it is and should be. But clearly your OH isnt showing signs of employing basic adult behaviour, so rather than go on the attack, maybe ask for what you want in a kind, appreciative way.

Good luck.

The problem is that when you go back to work , your dh would have got used to you doing all the household chores and may find it difficult to adapt to sharing household chores.

For us, a big part of the success of our relationship, I think, is that we don't have clear delineated 'jobs', instead we share a philosophy of 'if you see something needs doing, you do it'. We also do not want to make work for each other, so we tend to put our shit away and tidy up as we go.

There has to be mutual respect and appreciation.

You are not worng - you do need to sort this out before the baby comes along, because there will only be MORE jobs to do, not less, and you both need to work as a team.

If you are breastfeeding, or responsible for doing night feeds, you will effectively be on duty 24-7 to his 12-hour shifts 'at work'.

I'm afraid this attitude of his probably went some way to contributing to the breakdown of his previous relationship with the mother of his children.

You do need to take the heat out of it though.

You're leaving stuff for him to do to make a point.

He's making the same point back.

You're just going to be at stalemate.

Start over. Explain it's not so much having to pick up most of the chores whilst you're heavily pregnant and knackered, but that every time he makes EXTRA mess (like leaving the stuff on the side in the kitchen instead of putting it in the sink, or not wiping the spitty toothpaste, or leaving his dirty underwear on the floor) then it feels like he is saying "Fuck it, Liveinmaid can do that." Which is disrespectful because you are not a maid.

Divide actual chores - weekly cleaning, laundry, etc - between you, with you picking up more than him for now, because you have more time.

But insist that new mess generated by him or the children - avoidable mess, stuff that is just part of being a good human being who respects living with other people - is cleared up by the person who made it.

In my house, over the age of 2 or 3:

No one should have to take someone else's plates or cups to the kitchen.

No one should have to pick up someone else's dirty laundry off the floor.

No one should have to put away something someone else has been using (toys, hobby stuff, whatever).

Of course as a parent you help smaller children, and you do a lot of "reminding" and sometimes a fair amount of losing your shit about it but basic principles should be that people put stuff away, not just put it down.

YABU. You should aim to get most of what needs doing done during the day whilst he is out working. He shouldn't object to doing a bit of washing up though.

I have been thinking of how I can say what I want to say but with kindness and for it not to come across as finger pointing and I do bla bla bla and you do nothing.

I was thinking of asking him if he’s ever cleaned the bathroom since living in this house or when he last put the clothes away but this is just not how to approach so I’m going to say let’s draw a line in the sand now and these are the jobs that need doing during a 7 day week and I propose I do the majority as you work but on (for example) Tuesday and Thursdays you can wash up after I’ve cooked dinner, on the weekends that we have the kids he can make the tea on Saturday and dinner on Sunday and I’ll do the other meals but whoever doesn’t cook on weekends has to wash up after.

He can do the majority of the childcare and I will do the pick up and drop off at school and nursery when needed.

I’m going to suggest he make his own way to work and back now, his bus times are a little tight for him With finishing work but I’ve figured if I make him his packed lunch the money he spends on his lunch daily he can get a taxi home or give
To a friend for petrol or however he chooses to get home.

But the final thing I’m going to propose is that he must must must tidy up after himself even if it means just clearing it away and putting it in the sink.

Fair?

I would add - despite my rule of "no one over the age of 2 or 3", my DH is still an offender. And tends to be "blind" to mess. He's not, of course, blind to it - he merely prefers to think he needn't be bothered. He was also raised that way by a mother who was ultra-tidy and would do it all to save arguments. But that doesn't mean he doesn't need to obey the house rule... and, crucially, he admits that he's a bit of a messy shit sometimes and that it's taking the piss and setting a bad example. So we don't have to fight about it.

That does sound fair, OP. I really hope he responds in a good way.

Have you ever read this? I sent it to my DH once

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

As for the poster saying that your OH clearing up after himself is just basic adult behaviour - well yes it is and should be. But clearly your OH isnt showing signs of employing basic adult behaviour, so rather than go on the attack, maybe ask for what you want in a kind, appreciative way.

That was me @soen.

Is it me or has MN suddenly gained very low expectations of men? It's all gone a bit Surrendered Wife around here.

Squirrel that is a good link and it’s given me something to think about. I won’t send it my dp as to not add fuel to the fire and have him think I’m having another dig!

I won’t send it my dp as to not add fuel to the fire and have him think I’m having another dig!

Fair enough! But good to keep in mind that it's the mindset change he needs of "I should do this out of love and respect for Livein, not because she's making me do it" that will help.

So if you base your discussions from a place of "it makes me feel" rather than "you are in the wrong" (even though he is a bloody bastarding adult and should f-ing well KNOW he's being a pig to leave dirty boxers and rubbish around) then you might get a better outcome.

Good luck!

Tbf it's just your washing up from being on your own in the house in the day then I think you should do it. The 8'year old can learn to clear the table and help to wash up at the weekend. Or buy a dish washer and change washing up disputes to loading/unloading issues.

You will need to talk about wider household responsibilities and redistribute them when the baby comes and you are looking after him/her during the day. I would hold fire for a few weeks until the baby is here , then get negotiating how you both keep on top of things.