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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the household chores every day whilst he works

283 replies

Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:32

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

OP posts:
Touchofclass · 14/11/2019 20:47

My DP works those same hours every day , I work part time and he still comes home every night and cooks tea. He's at the cooker now and he was up this morning at 5am . He cooks even if ive been home all day (sitting on my phone usually lol )

I don't think it's about sharing jobs not who is in or out of the house . Maybe if he doesn't want to do the washing up could you share other jobs whilst you wash up ?

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:48

Well this is it, I didn’t see the big need for a tow over the washing up he said it angered him to see it piled up but I said but it’s ok for me to do it?

I don’t really want to go downstairs to apologise to him but I just feel unappreciated for what I do, and the bare minimum routine has lasted since Monday because I’ve just been so fed up.

To the lady who said sahm doesn’t ever have a finishing time, I felt that!

OP posts:
1300cakes · 14/11/2019 20:49

I didn't vote as I'm in the middle - I do think you should do the majority. However you certainly shouldn't have to everything and even more importantly he shouldn't make a big mess and leave it. The fact that they are his kids also means he should do a bit more, compared the the same situation but the kids were yours or shared.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 14/11/2019 20:52

I find your question confusing. Should you be covering the bulk of the housework while you’re not working, baby’s not arrived yet and with his kids at their mum’s most of the time? Yes. He’s at work for hours, you’d still have plenty of time to rest.
Should he do the washing up sometimes and treat your home with respect? Yes.
Do all of the things on your list need doing every day with just 1 adult in the house for most of the time? No.
Why are making extra work for yourself then picking fights with him?

Outspoken82 · 14/11/2019 20:53

You have 12 hours a day to do housework while he’s working so yes YABU.

With no kids to clean up after the majority of the time, 30 mins a day max would likely do it.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:53

The kids things aren’t really that bad it just bugs me when I’ve put the clothes away and I open the drawer and see everything is screwed up from looking for a particular top and my partner is like this too, it takes time and effort for me to sit and fold the clothes and put them neatly but I may as well just throw them in a corner for how my efforts are treated. That’s just one of my bug bares.

I’ve asked him to put the kids clothes away as his ‘task’ just to help me out a bit but they are all still piled up on their drawers.

OP posts:
EdWinchester · 14/11/2019 20:53

I am bone idle but even I wouldn't leave my husband washing up to do after he's worked a 12-hour shift.

Venger · 14/11/2019 20:53

Dishes made during the day, I do them because I'm home. Dinner dishes on a meal that DH has also eaten, he does them because I cooked it so it's only fair he washes up (and on the weekends when he cooks, I do them). When he's working away I have to do them all.

The usual way of doing it would be that whoever is home takes care of the DC and the house. When I first became a SAHM we sat down and discussed expectations so that neither of us ended up resenting the other. We agreed that the DC and their needs come first and the house comes second. Some days I get all of my jobs done, other days I get very little done but as a minimum I sort dinner, put a wash on, and do the dishes.

Given how pregnant you are, I think your DH needs to cut you some slack and lower his expectations a bit.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2019 20:54

How were chores split when you were working full time?

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:56

It’s things that can be kept tidy and clean by him after I’ve cleaned it the same day, I.e putting his toothbrush back in the holder and swilling the toothpaste marks down the sink instead of leaving a spitty toothbrush behind a tap. Would that not annoy anyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:59

When working full time it was kept on top of more, washing up was done together or one would wash up whilst the other tidied another room

Or if we had both been lazy and the house was a bomb site then one would tackle the upstairs rooms and the other would do the downstairs

OP posts:
Marnie76 · 14/11/2019 21:01

A lot of the jobs on your list are weekly not daily and a lot of others wouldn’t take long at all each day.

I work four days a week but not far from home so I do all of the jobs you mention as my husband is out of the house longer. I’m not a martr I just get the boring stuff done quickly so when he’s home we both get to chill.

Mountains out of molehills

Marnie76 · 14/11/2019 21:03

Sorry cross post. Whilst what I said stands, he has no excuse for acting like a lazy sod with the mess though.

BarbaraofSeville · 14/11/2019 21:03

Don't look in anyone's drawers, don't fold laundry, just separate it out into piles per person, the rest is on them.

Bathrooms and vacuuming doesn't need doing every day.

Him leaving a mess for you to tidy up is not on though, has he always been like that? It's fair enough that you wash up, the effort can be reduced by careful choice of what meals you cook, but if he's leaving a 'trail of destruction' you need to have words about that.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:04

I think that the jobs should be split, and he can do his share over the course of the weekend weather that be putting a wash on and putting clothes away, maybe making tea a few nights a week, washing up after dinner on the nights I make dinner and if he sees something that needs doing, to do it without having to be asked or prompted or do it because he feels I’m not pulling my weight because I honestly do think I do pull more than my weight. I feel like I carry us both and then the children when they are here

I just feel like there’s no reasoning but also can see that the majority agree I should do it all.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 14/11/2019 21:04

Yes, you should do most of it, though less of the physical stuff, at the moment because it is exhausting when you're so heavily pregnant but you're not his mum and he should pick up after himself and pitch in with stuff in the evening.

SmileyClare · 14/11/2019 21:04

I agree with pps; the household chores should be done by you because you aren't working. This is nothing to do with you being The Wife, it's just a fair division of labour.

Think carefully about the logistics of taxi-ing him to work and home with a newborn though! There might be better solutions.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 14/11/2019 21:05

He must be knackered after doing a 12 hour shift. But any functional adult should be able at the very least to clean up after themselves and not make things worse for the other people they are living with. Especially when those adults are doing you massive favours like getting up at 6am because you can't get yourself to work, and looking after your children!
When you're on maternity leave your priority is to look after yourself (in the early stages when you're preparing for then recovering from labour) then look after the baby, and anything else you can fit in if you have time and you're able to, is a bonus. But I'd say looking after his kids and taking him to work is plenty!

Onemorecrisp · 14/11/2019 21:05

I would be more concerned with why is he not driving ???? You can’t do this with a baby.

LL83 · 14/11/2019 21:06

I would do most of the chores. However for two adults most of the time that should not be a lot.

I would expect him to tidy up after himself though. I am fine doing the laundry in our house, but only if it is in the basket. I dont collect it from the bedroom floor. I will unload the dishwasher but would expect people to scrape/rinse their dish and put it in dishwasher etc.

Morgan12 · 14/11/2019 21:06

My husband works. I don't. I do all house stuff because I'm in the house.

Does that really not make sense to you?

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:07

Well not it all, but the majority of the jobs *

OP posts:
PickAChew · 14/11/2019 21:07

And if he's being so lazy and disrespectful as to leave his scummy toothbrush lying around, I'd just bin it. If he asks just say you thought he had finished with it, since he didn't rinse it and put it away.

Marnie76 · 14/11/2019 21:09

You still haven’t explained why he doesn’t drive.

maddiemookins16mum · 14/11/2019 21:09

YABU, very U.

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