To do the household chores every day whilst he works

[Liveinmaid]

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

Yeah there are two of them but only one is of primary school age.

He won’t of cleaned up by the morning before he goes to work, so I’ll just do it to save an argument but I’m not happy about it. Decided from now on that he came make his own way to work and back and also when the children come he can look after them I.e make their meals, clean up after them and if he fancies nipping out then he can arrange some childcare through his relatives because I ain’t doing it anymore.

Seeing that downstairs really is the cherry on the cake.

I think you’re taking the piss a bit OP. Yeah fine he should be tidying up after himself after making the sandwiches but from his point of view why should he when you’ve let days worth of dishes pile up on principle?

And he’s not doing ‘sod all’, he’s out working 12hrs a day. He probably feels that phrase is more accurate to describe what you’ve been doing at home all day.

How would you feel if you were the one out working for 12hrs and you came home to an ever increasing pile of dishes and other housework not done? I get the feeling from the tone of your previous posts that you would be livid, and rightly so!

Since you asked the question, yeah while you’re at home all day, you are being quite unreasonable to think that you shouldn’t be doing the majority of the housework. Not all, just majority.

Yes you are. Housework takes a couple of hours max.

I think he’s taking the piss tbh. I heard him asking his child what he wanted his in his dinner and that was hours ago. So your telling me that a man who’s worked 12 hours is that tired he can’t scrape the ham into the bin and put the dirty utensils in the sink. Is it really that difficult to do? Do I have to run downstairs as soon as I hear the clank of plates fall into the sink and get them washed up dried up and put away just because I don’t work. F that. Sorry but I’m not doing it.

Him doing the dishes tonight was the first time he’s washed up in weeks so yeah I left it to pile up on principle that he does sod all around the house. I think it’s a joke to be honest and I wouldn’t expect anyone to pick up after me and clean away stuff I’d used to make my work lunch. I’d feel uncomfortable that someone had to do it for me. Over the weekend I’ll make the meals and clean up but the ONE time I leave the washing up for him to do I’m unreasonable and out of order. He had no problem helping me before I went on mat leave so whys he developed an incapability to put stuff where it should go.

As a sahm, my rule was that I would do main housework (laundry, tidying, cooking) but nothing that you wouldn’t ask a professional today, so no ‘personal body attendant’ tasks like taking plates to the sink, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket etc, collecting dirty mugs from around the house.

That is not on. You are very pregnant with his child. No need for him to not clean up after himself as he goes.

Being largely PG slows you down. Standing in front of a sink can drain you especially if your feet are swelling.

Yes, as being the one at home more is expected of you but you aren’t at home for fun right now, you are on mat leave for a reason. To get ready for baby coming. To try and rest to let baby grow! Get things all gathered and prepped for baby and you.

He should be doing majority of care for his children. They are his children! He doesn’t have them very often and should want to be interacting and caring for them.

And there is absolutely no way in hell I would be getting up to drive him to work for 6 am while 37 weeks pregnant. Sleep is horrible as it is when PG, forget losing it due to him working and not being able to drive. How will you get to the hospital in labour?!? There was no way I could drive myself as I was in severe pain.

I think this is getting very immature. Again, put yourself in his shoes. You’ve come home after working all day, those same dishes are still there, other housework not done. You make a sandwich for your kid and don’t clean up right away. Why should you? He hasn’t lifted a finger all day so why should it matter if you leave the ham out to keep the pile of dishes company?

Why ask AIBU if you’re not prepared to be told you are being unreasonable? Die on this hill if you must OP, but on your head be it.

OP,

You and your partner are about to have a baby, you both need to stop squabbling about this type of thing. You are both feeling resentful of each other - something that's going to get worse once you have a baby.

You partner is childish and lazy to just dump his stuff around the house for you to clear up after him but I also think you are very unreasonable not to do the housework while he is out the house for 12 hours a day.

You both need to learn to be kinder to each other.

Ally I don’t really think you are seeing it from my POW. Yeah I understand he’s been at work and he’s pissed off there’s washing up to be done, but what about the other jobs I’ve done today? I do everything every other day of the week including most weekends.

I don’t really understand your reasoning behind him not having to do anything just because he works 12 hours. He holds a job down, yes long hours but it doesn’t exempt him from all household tasks? When do I get my break? Because from where I’m standing I don’t seem to get one because come Monday morning in clearing away Sunday nights mess. It would be nice to have a day when I don’t have to tidy someone else’s mess.

That should say POV not POW

In our row today I said I do everything and I’m asking for a little bit of help and he said ‘name something you do’ I just thought ???? Seriously.

In his mind I obviously sit at home and do nothing and the cleaning fairy must come in whilst I’m taking a nap on the sofa and do these jobs and I just pretend that I have done them.

Hi OP, I'm sorry, I voted YABU but having read all your updates I actually think YANBU. I'm a sahm and 35 weeks pregnant with my third. I had no objections to doing all the home tasks when I was well and would do more than my fair share but now that I'm in a position where I get tired just doing the school run, my husband helps out and has taken over a lot of the household chores. I think the main thing that has stood out in your posts is that he's somehow turned into a slob which is unfair to you. I would have a conversation with him about at least cleaning up after himself and not leaving a trail of destruction for you to sort out. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy x

With you at home and him working 12jr days, you've got a choice really:

Option 1: split household chores equally. To make this fair, make sure you continue to pay for 50% of everything, even if you earn less, are on reduced maternity income, go back part time.

Option 2: you work as a team getting tasks fine. If he's out a lot at work you pick up the home slack. If he's earning more he picks up the financial slack. He shouldn't be leaving a trail of destruction but a lot of this sounds tit for tat and the weekends should be more equal.

And yes it's annoying when housework just keeps on coming, but that's life.

I know how you feel OP Part of it is being taken for granted and being criticised if you don't do just one thing.
And that's it.You do everything including(and here I think you're mad)driving him to and from work everyday,looking after his children and just once you don't do the washing and it's 'unreadonable' of you because you're doing nothing else.
Do the dishes in future and leave his grubby clothes on the floor length instead,use a different sink and leave him with the toothpaste and wiskery one.
At this stage in your pregnancy you need to stop taking him to and from work and getting more sleep as it will be able n short supply when the baby arrives.

Yeah ok fair enough if you’ve been doing plenty of other stuff around the house and the dishes were just a bit of a protest to make a point. But when he challenged you on what you’d been doing, why couldn’t you answer? That should have been your opportunity to drive home that you do heaps and he should be pulling his weight too. But in your OP you said you’d only been doing the bare minimum. So which is it?

Also I never said he shouldn’t be doin anything because he works, just that you should be doing the majority because that’s what is fair.

I think you’re in a bit of a viscious cycle where he’s perceiving you as being lazy, so you ‘do the bare minimum’ which results in him not cleaning up after himself, and then you row, and so on. It’s going to be so much harder when the baby arrives. For the sake of both your sanities, why don’t you sit down together and just try and have a conversation about each other’s expectations and try and find some compromise

I do everything, I mean everything .. My choice to, because I used to be a single. Parent so did. Then when dh and I got together it was habit.. He hates it. Always says to leave things for him.

I'm now a sahm to a 20m old and 30w pregnant. And I still can't relax.. If I'm not at a playgroup or whatever and dd is sleeping or happily playing. I'm whizzing round with the hoover, mopping or whatever.

However if I didn't do anything on any given day for whatever reason, ill or can't be arsed. Dh would have no issue after being out 13 hours to come back and do it all..

I remember after I had dd I came out of hospital. He'd tidied but not ironed or mopped.. I said shall we get take away.? Sent him to get it and some bits at tesco, knowing he'd be about an hour. .. And he suggested for me to lay down and try to relax .. Did I plums.. Quickly mopped the kitchen and went into lounge nd did a load of ironing.. Then put a load in machine. And cleaned bathroom. I'm. Nuts

Very glad to read you are putting your foot down!! He's taking the piss. You should book yourself in for a wee pregnancy massage over the weekend 😀😀

You are at home all day. Your DP is at work all day. He should not be coming home after 12 hours to make dinner, do a load of wash, vacuum, dishes, whatever. Does he come home with two hour’s worth of his work he didn’t get done during the day and dump it in your lap?

I’m not saying that he shouldn’t have to do a thing. He should pick up after himself like a grown up. He should tidy up, help with the kids’ bath time, play with them, etc. If you’re feeling sick and run down, he should pitch in. He can run the occasional errand. But he should not be doing basic household chores every single night when he comes home when you’ve been there all day.

When you’re back at work, the house work should be more 50/50. But right now you should be doing the majority.

@OutOntheTilez rtft. She's doing everything, not the majority. He doesn't lift a finger, including on weekends. And worse still, he leaves a mess for OP to clean up (hair from shaving in sink, dirty boxers on the floor).

YANBU OP, perhaps just give him 1 weekend of actually doing nothing (and tell him in advance that it's a visual response to his questioning what you actually do). And once he's seen what happens if the cleaning fairy goes on strike, explain that you're happy to keep the house clean and chores ticking over, but you're just asking him to chip in on any of the little things you haven't got round to, rather than just wait for you to do it.

YANBU.
He can do some washing up without moaning as you've been doing the majority of the chores.
You are heavily pregnant. He should have more understanding.

Just read your updates.
Yes, he needs to do way more than what he has been doing. And change his attitude regarding your maternity leave.
Good on you for not taking his shit!

Jeez. Not rtft but you’re on mat leave and still pregnant. you’re in the latter stages of carrying his child and he’s moaning about the dishes?
He may well work long hours and I’m sure your home arrangement works well for you but he’s been allowed to opt out of anything domestic due to his long hours.
You have the right to carry out chores exactly as and when you want to (if at all)
What’s the plan for domestic chores and parenting when you return to work?

I Just read your updates op.
Who would do all the housework if he worked twelve hour days and lived alone ?

Cleaning is a doddle if the place is tidy and organised. But it's a thankless task if you have to pick up clothes and plates and pens and paperwork littered around. If that accumulates every day, then I'm not surprised you get peed off OP. There's a reason that cleaners generally refuse to tidy up after people. It's much more stressful than purely cleaning.

If you've done the shopping, housework and washing and cooked the meal, particularly when you are heavily pregnant, then it's reasonable for him to do the washing up. You're not the maid. But like a PP I wondered if he's a selfish arse and that's why he's divorced.