To do the household chores every day whilst he works

[Liveinmaid]

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

I will post an update this evening post-talk!

Thanks for your advice peeps!

I've done 12 hour shifts and come back to do the dishes. How is it going to work out when the new born arrives? I'm assuming he will be on Paternity leave to help out with your child together and HIS children, plus all the housework. If he isn't taking time off how is he going to get to work and back post baby being born?

YANBU OP. Your partner needs to step up several marks.

pretty epic drip feed about the trail of destruction but here's my two-cents-worth:

I voted YABU and I still think you're being a little U. Are you very young? is he?

Leaving the washing up for a few days then expecting him to do it when he got home is meh. Or had you been discussing it a few times?

Save up for a dishwasher… after saving up for driving lessons…

Make a list of things that need doing: daily, weekly, monthly, intermittently. Get him to do the same. Compare the lists. There you'll see your first need to compromise while you make a joint list.

Then when you have made your joint list - divide the jobs. You can alternate some things so he does bathroom one week, you do it the next. If he leaves toothpaste spit in the sink - tell him to clean it up.
If he leaves a trail of stuff - put it all in a laundry basket. (or ignore it...)

be aware that the list of divided chores/responsibilities will change: now to baby - after baby - when baby is a bit more predictable - when you go back to work - etc etc

But blimey. Don't escalate like this again - it's not good for anyone!

OP I originally voted YABU but, having read all your updates, I now see what the issue is. It's one thing to do the lions share of the chores, but quite another to be treated like his own personal skivvy. I can now see why you're so fed up and I sympathise. I think the key is getting that across to him. Your solution sounds fair and I hope the talk goes well!

He needs to clean up after himself. YANBU. Also, you're 37 weeks pregnant. Some house stuff, sure. But he can't just do nothing. Your on Mat Leave, what does he do when you're in work?

You don’t have to mop floors, Hoover and clean bathrooms every day.

The list is for the week surely so should be manageable if you’re at home all day.

But more importantly, will he help when you have the baby, you will need help then.

Doing dishes everyday is not a difficult task. Surely you can do that? I'm so tired after an 8 hour day. Can't imagine how he feels after a 12 hour shift. YABU. Also you don't need to wash the bathroom everyday.

@liveinmaid If you don't want things to be the way they are, then make the argument that they change in a way that works for both of you. Otherwise things will stay the same and you'll still be doing it all in decades time – like his mum is for his dad... And then take it on a generation and make sure your kids expect to help rather than expecting not to help – so they'll have more equal relationships in their own lives.

YABU

The issue isn’t who does the major jobs, the issue is that you live with an inconsiderate slob who thinks you should go around cleaning up after him. It’s his attitude that’s the issue here.

You don’t need a list of jobs that need doing and a split of them. You just need to tell him that you are not his bloody hand maiden and to put his own fucking toothbrush away after he’s used it and clean up his own spit from the sink!! Or he will be looking after his own two kids and having this one EIW as well as you don’t intend to live with a lazy slob.

...and mean it!

Very soon you’re going to have a new baby in the house and he’s going to have to step up and act like an adult or fuck off. You don’t need a man child as well as two kids EIW & a newborn.

@vivacian

Is it me or has MN suddenly gained very low expectations of men? It's all gone a bit Surrendered Wife around here.

I'm trying to keep the issue of gender roles out of it, I dont particularly find it helpful. The OP and her OH are both humans in their own right. I'd give the same advice if OP had a female flatmate for example, who left dirty dishes in the sink and didn't tidy up after themselves. I dont think it's anything to do with 'expectations of men' in the sense you mean. You can still have expectations of people without going at them like a raging bull.

OP when did you begin your maternity leave?
I would stop getting up to drive him to work, stay in bed later and you will feel better later in the day.
Ican you go see some friends/family for the weekend. Let him manage his children and chores by himself.
I have no problem doing housework but if I came in and someone had created and left a mess like he did with the ham I would lose the plot! As you say you are not their personal maid.

I've seen all three sides of this: sahm, single parent and currently the sole earner. I work from home, don't do 12 hour shifts and my job is not particularly physically demanding. However, I earn all the household money.

I feel that leaving a trail of mess behind me would be taking a piss, so I clean up after myself and don't leave my things lying around. However, I do pretty much nothing else in the house, unless I feel like it (rarely happens). No shopping, hoovering, mopping, bathroom cleaning, laundry, cooking, washing, no school runs, lunches, dusting - nothing. Even if I do have time, I still don't engage with household stuff, as it's not my job. My job is to earn money and cover all the bills - which I do. His responsibility is to do all the household stuff (without me leaving the trail of mess). I can easily sit on a sofa doing nothing while he'll be doing a sink full of dishes and I'm not going to help if I don't feel like it, as I do have my responsibilities and already done them for the day. Washing dishes is not my problem.

If I'd have to work, earn the money, pay the bills and do the housework afterwards - I'd consider myself a single mum (which I've been before) and kick the cocklodger out, as why would I need a grown ass man in the house sitting on his arse all day and doing nothing? The current arrangement works for both of us, but if he would all of a sudden decide that he would like me to do 50% of the house stuff, then he'd be presented with a requirement to cover 50% of expenses. Equality.

I'm a stay at home mum at the moment (due to go back to work from Maternity this month but I was made redundant as my shop closed down)

I have 2 DD nearly 3 and 7 months.

I do all of the chores you've listed without really batting an eye lid, my DH works 12 hours a day 5 days a week.

When chores like this are kept on top of they don't really become 'chores' I wash up as I go and I do a load of washing or 2 every day. Beds are made in the morning and I have a bit of a clean of each room day by day and there's never really a problem.

I think after a 12 hour shift it's a bit mean to be expected to do loads of dishes.

How much housework is there on a daily basis? Assuming you have a dishwasher and a washing machine. I vacuum once a week. I do laundry two days a week (I have two teenagers, one heavily into sport). I fill the dishwasher every other day. I do about half to an hour general cleaning and picking up around the house daily. Bathrooms get done once a week. I walk the dogs/feed and clean the rabbits. Kids responsible for their own rooms. This has not changed much though granted maybe more washing and tidying when the kids were younger. But frankly you should do the majority and I don't think taxiing him or his kids is much of a chore. Plus wouldn't it be better for him to spend some time with his kids than washing up?
If this really is a bone of contention between the two of you budget for a cleaner.

This isn't about housework, which I agree the OP should do most of, and it shouldn't take long.

It's about the complete lack of respect he has for her treating their home like a dumping ground, leaving crap all over the place, putting empty wrappers back in the fridge or leaving dirty washing on the floor when it takes no less effort than putting stuff in the bin or washing basket, basically making her job of actual housework, ie cleaning, laundry, much harder.

And now it turns out that he's spending money on lunch at work when they're short of money, which could be spent on driving lessons so the OP doesn't have to be at his beck and call to get him to work and back.

Absolutely @BarbaraofSeville

Picking after himself, 100% but everything else you should do the very vast majority. As said, it shouldn't take even 2/3rd of his working time to do all to have a nice home.

Also, do consider what he might be doing that you haven't thought of, taking bins out, gardening work, DIY etc...

From what you're suggesting, it feels like you expect him to do, along with his job, significantly more than you are.

It's not about equal chores, but equal down-time.
At the moment, you have more down-time because he's at work all day, so that's unfair. Once the baby arrives, that will all change and you'll both have responsibilities all day and night, so chores have to be equal each day too.

Last time I was 37 weeks pg I also had a three year old and a dh who worked 12-16 hr days. The house jobs took abput 90 mins - big house and it was immaculate.

Depends on your house though. For example it used to take me about three hours to do our bathroom properly to keep the mold under control as I had to scrub the ceiling and every little nook and cranny in there. I didn't do that when I was heavily pregnant! Kitchen wasn't quite so bad, but there were a still lots of annoying extra things I had to do that you probably don't have to with a nicer kitchen.

We have pets as well, so hoovering every day was necessary. No dryer and getting washing dry without adding condensation to the house meant it wasn't a case of whacking it on a radiator and leaving it to dry.

It was a small house, but keeping it fairly nice probably took longer than keeping your house immaculate.

Could he cycle to work and back? That's one less thing for you to do and you'd get more rest. I think it's quite unusual to drive a partner to and from work, especially when it involves an early start. Most people make their own way (regardless of shift length), whether that's driving themselves, public transport, walking or cycling. That's one area where you're going well out of your way already.

Your suggestion of how to split chores sounds reasonable. But why can't he make his own packed lunch?

@nestisflown – I did rtft. Did you even bother reading my post?

I stated that he needs to behave like a grown up and pick up after himself and tidy up and help with the children. It’s up to her how she gets that accomplished. But I stand by the fact that, since she is at home and he is out of the office for 12 hours a day, she should be taking on the majority, and when she goes back to work, then house work should be split 50/50.

Anything that she would like him to do can be accomplished on the weekends when he’s not working a 12-hour shift. They need to communicate and get this straightened out before the baby arrives.

It is absolutely ridiculous (and rude) that he can’t put stuff away after he’s taken it out of the fridge or clean out a sink after brushing his teeth or shaving, I’ll give you that. That falls into the "pick up after himself" and "tidy up" camp. I’d be pissed, too. Again, up to the OP as to how she handles it.

A 12hr day is exhausting and as a single parent I don’t do any chores when I get home on a day that long. I will leave it and do it on my next shorter day. So YABU to expect housework from someone whose done a day that long.

However on his days off he should be helping with some of the heavier chores now you’re 37 week preg.

In my mind the person at home should be covering basics and washing up is a basic, tedious as it is. As is the washing and hoovering. Housework is frustrating as the results never last long. However there is no excuse for thoughtless mess and this is the area to tackle first I think.