To do the household chores every day whilst he works

[Liveinmaid]

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

I don’t know... I’m on maternity leave and I do all this stuff most days because I hate mess and I don’t have much else to do and also because my husband is out at work while I’m home with free time. You husband has an awfully long day. If I had a day that long and my husband was at home I’d probably expect him to do the household jobs to be honest. But from about 35 weeks pregnant onwards I didn’t really do much as I had a back problem and only started again when baby was born so I don’t know to be honest. Depends how you’re feeling in this pregnancy.

Let me just do a reverse for a moment:

"I work 12 hour days every day, my DW drops me off at work and picks me up. She's not working at the moment as she's on MAT leave but doesn't think it's her job to do the bulk of the housework and we should split it between us. I'm exhausted at the weekends from working long days. I know she's tired too as she's pregnant but surely all the housework only takes a couple of hours max to stay on top of? I'm working 12 hours every single day, is it really asking a lot for her to just do the chores? For context, I always helped before when she was at work, we used to split them between us. It's just now that she's not working and is sat at home while I work for 12 long hours I don't think it's a huge ask for her to do an hour or two of the housework each day....."

Sorry, I do think you ABVU. You say you guys were great at splitting chores before so he's clearly not a total asshat.

Having said that there are two things here - you doing the chores is one thing, babying him is another. So for example, it's not your job to clear the ham off the side, that's fucking rude just leaving it. It's not your job to pick up his toothbrush. Those aren't chores, that's picking up after yourself and he absolutely should be doing that. Totally unacceptable not to.

Also, he should be helping with anything heavy - such as the shopping. It's not on for you to be lugging heavy bags around or bending low to put stuff away.

So, yes, he definitely needs to grow the fuck up but at the same time you need to stop acting like a princess. He works for 12 hours, that's a long old working week! You both need to start taking care of each other a bit more imo. If you're feeling tired, let him get the bus to work and you sleep in a bit longer. That should help with your energy levels.

Oh, and absolutely - when the baby arrives, it all needs to be overhauled and he'll need to step back up and help. And post-birth you need to rest so he'll need to get his ass in gear then. Also, I would probably work on being less fussed about little things - so for example, his boxers hung on the dryer door, personally I wouldn't give two shits about. Looking after a little baby is knackering and stressful, as long as the place is clean, you don't always need to sweat the small stuff.

However I strongly disagree with posters saying your husband is selfish or lazy. He clearly isn’t as he’s had such a long day. Honestly if you weren’t 37 weeks pregnant I’d say YABVU but because you are it make it a bit more complicated. If the tables were turned though and it was you off out from 6 - 6 and your husband not doing the housework everyone would say he is being unreasonable

At 37weeks my dh was getting angry if I did anything besides putting my feet up or baby stuff which I loved.He worked a full day and then came home and did cooking and tidying up. The last thing he would have done is expected me to do is housework. Your dp is being so unreasonable. He needs to massively step up and do it himself or not get at you.

Weekdays - you should do the daily chores

Evenings and weekends - shared

I'd get fucked off with the spitty toothpaste and boxers - general adult-like behaviours need to be adhered too as you're not the slave but general day to day stuff I'm afraid I disagree with you as you need to do this

Also why didn't you make children their dinner when you cooked for you and your DH?

YABVVU. To come hone to 2 days washing up after a 12 hour shift is unacceptable. you are pregnant, but he has tooth ache? I know which I'd rather have.
Also you say ye doesn't say anything but you can see annoyance in his eyes? He sounds very restrained

OP. I really feel for you. I’m so surprised that most postings here feel YABU. You are not! I don’t think they are getting the real picture of what you are going through... abominable cruelty ! He is an adult who needs to take full responsibility for his actions...he can’t expect you to clean up after him, that’s so disrespectful and rude. You are on maternity leave for a reason, relax and prepare for your new born. General cleaning and tidying up is ok but not babying him 😠you are not his mum/slave..picking up after his messes!! This can be very stressful and I can imagine that sort of behaviour only gets worse. With a new born on the way this should be the last thing you need. I think you did well to stand your ground and let him do the washing up. For those saying it only takes a few minutes to clear up, I agree but it’s also the mental torture of the experience that you are not accounting for..

A full days work is different from a 12 hour shift it’s a lot of hours.Your pregnant but can do chores maybe not everyday as in the bathroom Hoovering .
He can help as well but I’m on the fence 12 hours is really tasking but why do you take him to work and pick him up that’s unreasonable.

Angelw she has drip fed if you put it all together it’s not as straight forward as it seems

But the 2 days washing up, presumably she uses plates too??

With your updates he sounds unreasonable.

You need to talk to each other like rational adults. Not strop about having tit for tat cleaning issues. Neither of you is coming off brilliantly here.

It's not about looking at who does more, but who gets a lot more rest and clearly that's you. As it's been said, you can do all that is required in probably one hour and you then have the rest of the day to take it easy.

I don't blame your OH at all, I'd be furious in his boots. Being pregnant doesn't make you entitled to being treated like a princess. What it means is that you have to take more time to do things and rest more, which you can very easily do in one day.

It's bad enough that you can't be bothered to do so, but to actually argue with your OH rather than apologise says it all. I feel really sorry for him.

Why are people going on about him not driving? Maybe it’s for environmental reasons? Isn’t that the hot topic right now?

you sound extremely lazy OP.

He’s at work for 12 hours a day and you’re at home. Surely housework takes an hour or so a day?! Unless you’re both that messy?
I’m currently on maternity leave (With my 3rd baby) and everyday do a generally tidy, load the dishwasher, stick some washing on and put some away, sometimes I’ll prep dinner, go shopping. If it’s kept on top of it doesn’t take long

If you read the thread, he doesnt drive because he can't drive and can't afford lessons. If it was environmental reasons he would presumably not be requiring op to give him a lift as 4 journeys are worse environmentally than 2.

I think this thread really shows why women who go back to work often get left with all the housework as well - at least as their responsibility to manage someone else to cover for them.

If you’re not doing these things because you’re tired and not feeling up to it, YANBU (mat leave is for resting). If you aren’t doing it to make a point then YABU - he’s at work all day.

DH and I have worked in various combinations since we had children. The general expectation is that the person at home does “at home” jobs, so for that reason overall I think YABU.

However, we have both at various times been the main SAHP so we both realise that on some days such when the children or ourselves are sick then the housework doesn’t get done. Housework is fairly shit and boring but I don’t think it’s fair to leave it when you’re the one at home. Work outside the home can be fairly shit and boring too.

I do all of these things and work full time in a very demanding job .

TBH you both sound really immature and if while you are on maternity leave things are this fraught and difficult then I see a lot of issues ahead!

How long have you been on maternity leave? It seems like this has become quite an issue if you've not been off long yet?

As for the PP who said her husband wouldn't let her do housework at 37 weeks, only baby stuff. My husband at 37 weeks let me do whatever I felt I could do, he realised that being pregnant hadn't taken my common sense away!

As an act of simple kindness he could wash up his mess and clean up after himself.

I don’t think that counts as an act of kindness. It’s just basic adult behaviour.

Zooey the PO didn't say her DH didn't let her do chores, he got angry if she did them.

Allybamma she should not have to say what she does it should be clear

Live in maid if (and it is if) your relationship is going to survive this (and at the moment with a new baby joining the mix it looks doubtful) you need a serious chat about responsibilities.

Otherwise frankly cut and run now so you are settled before the baby arrives

@Hugtheduggee
Option 1: split household chores equally. To make this fair, make sure you continue to pay for 50% of everything, even if you earn less, are on reduced maternity income, go back part time.

I know you were making a point, but you missed the bit about him carrying the pregnancy, doing half of the labour and birth, having half the stitches, doing half of the breastfeeding and half of the childcare

Well Th is morning hasn’t gone well it’s just escalated. I asked him why the kitchen was such a mess and why there’s empty wrappers in the fridge, he said he will do it when he gets home like he does everything else.

Just leaving it now I cannot be bothered with the hassle. I’ve text him mum and she said his dad was like this and she just did it herself as it wasn’t worth the arguments. Starting to think maybe I should of just done it and welcomed the rod for my own back but in the same breath I don’t see why I should but whatever.

Happy Friday.