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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the household chores every day whilst he works

283 replies

Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:32

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

OP posts:
Reallynowdear · 14/11/2019 21:47

If you are at home all day, then no jobs should be his after a 12 hour shift. There will be jobs he can, and should, do on his days off, that's fair.

That doesn't mean you should be waiting on him hand and foot, but the general housework should be your responsibility.

When he is off, he absolutely should be doing the jobs you're finding tricky at this stage of your pregnancy, as well as his fair share of chores.

There is no need for your house to be a show home but leaving the dishes for 2 days when he is a work and you're not seems unnecessary.

When the baby arrives, this should change. You need to talk to him, not ignore chores.

YABU

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 21:48

There are onky 2 of you there most of the time, surely you don't need to vacume, mop, put kids clothes away and clean bathrooms everyday. Also the weekly shop is a couple of hours max out the week, you could do it online!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/11/2019 21:49

YABVU, irrespective of gender the person working 12 hour days shouldn’t have to come home and start housework if another adult has been home all day not working.

I’d have been most unhappy if the washing up had been left for days whilst DH did nothing.

Very different if they lived alone or you had both been out working for 12 hours.

Teachermaths · 14/11/2019 21:50

OP I think while you aren't working you should be doing the majority. Obviously when baby arrives things will be different and you need to let him know that. But leaving the washing up for days while you are at home not doing much isn't OK.

I think you need a chat about expectations around cleaning/tidying when baby comes. Some of your jobs aren't daily jobs so can be cut back a bit.

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 21:51

Also "admin" what is that, and surely you don't need to do that every day either.
Sounds like you are making jobs up to make yourself sound busier.

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 21:51

Wash up, dry up, put away and then you say you have a dishwasher?

vivacian · 14/11/2019 21:52

How about anything not done after tea, you both do? Eg clean down kitchen and fold the laundry. That way you get a fresh start each morning and get as much done during the day as you can.

Thestrangestthing · 14/11/2019 21:53

Sorry forget the last one, it's washer/dryer not dishwasher.

OhTheRoses · 14/11/2019 21:55

Hmm. Last time I was 37 weeks pg I also had a three year old and a dh who worked 12-16 hr days. The house jobs took abput 90 mins - big house and it was immaculate. DH did the bins, the garden and a bit of outdoor paintwork and took ds oit for a couple of hous on Sat mornings. It was bloody marvellous.

Sorry op, you left the dishes for two days despite being at home. That's bloody minging as well very lazy.

YABU

Breathlessness · 14/11/2019 21:55

Did I miss your answer about how the chores were split (or not) when you were working?

tashac89 · 14/11/2019 22:02

When my mum used to come home from work to the house a tip and my dad was at home all day, she'd walk back out again. Usually for a coffee with her friend.

Monkeychunkyfunky · 14/11/2019 22:04

I wouldn't be happy coming home after a 12 hour shift and having to do any housework if my Dp was home all day. Different if we've both been at work then we both muck in with tea and dishes and sorting the kids out which we did today after my 12 hour shift.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 22:05

Well obviously the weekly shop isn’t a daily one as isn’t the admin but it’s what I do and he doesn’t do or even have to think about.

Maybe I should have made a separate list for weekly which would include the shop, changing the beds.

I just see it as if he comes home and say for instance I have done the washing and drying But haven’t taken them upstairs to put away then he may question as to why this hasn’t been done. He’s never actually questioned me but I can see it flash through his eyes when he’s looked at something that hasn’t been completed but he easily able to over look everything that has been done? Iyswim. This is where I get annoyed because what I do around the house doesn’t get appreciated and I know this because he doesn’t do anything to ensure it stays in a clean tidy manner and I feel he just think ‘well she’s nowt to do tomorrow so best leave these boxers on the floor or I’ll have a shave in the sink and leave some rogue hairs around’. Clean it man. It’s just small stuff that IMO is basic adulting

OP posts:
KellyHall · 14/11/2019 22:08

You need to communicate without arguing. Make a list of everything that needs to be done on a daily/weekly basis and sit down to discuss who is going to do what, when. And you both need to expect it to change after your baby is born.

We had a rota on our fridge for months and it helped, now things don't tend to get left for so long (we do both hate dishes and struggle to put them through the dishwasher in a timely manner but we don't complain any more because if it bothers you that much, you do it yourself and if you're not willing to do it yourself just shut up whinging about it).

Once the baby comes, you'll likely spend every waking moment tending to it and not to yourself or the house. With this in mind, I actually did loads of 'nesting' on maternity leave before dd was born and dh did almost all of the housework for a few weeks afterwards.

OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 14/11/2019 22:10

Was fully prepared to say yabu- but at 37weeks the washing up can fuck off.

Endspeciesism · 14/11/2019 22:11

You should do the majority. Thats your job.

Endspeciesism · 14/11/2019 22:12

Oh sorry just saw you’re heavily pregnant. No then. He should help out more til baby is born and older x

RedSuitcase · 14/11/2019 22:15

do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away - 15 mins (daily)
Load and unload the washer/dryer - 10 mins (three times a week)
Put clothes away - 10 mins (three times a week)
General tidying of each room - 20 mins (daily)
Make tea - 40 mins (daily)
Run any errands - misc
Mop the floors/vac up - 30 mins (twice a week)
Put the kids clothes away 10 mins (twice a week?)
Clean the bathrooms 30 mins (once a week)
Do the weekly shopping 1 hour (once a week)
Sort out any household admin 30 mins (once a week)

YABU.

Straight up you do not do all those things every day - half that stuff is once or twice a week.
Rough calculations say that those things add up to about 10-11 hours in a working week

You: 11 hours a week
Him: 60 hours a week

Whilst you're not his maid, it does sound like an unequal contribution to the household.

If the sexes were reversed in this, and the Man was at home and the woman working 60 hours a week it would be a no brainer.

As it happens, I used to work 60 hours a week and my ex stayed at home.

The place was always a mess (and we had a cleaner!). He's an ex for a reason.

LannieDuck · 14/11/2019 22:15

Is he taking any parental leave? If so, I would just agree with him that what goes for you on maternity will go for him when he takes parental.

If not, is it too late to consider him taking a month or two at the end of your maternity leave? I strongly feel that men get used to women doing all the childcare and housework while they're on maternity leave, and expect it to continue when the woman goes back to work. It can be incredibly hard to change a habit that's been in place for a whole year. But if he has to do these chores for a few months at the end of that year, it resets expectations.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 14/11/2019 22:21

If the sexes were reversed in this, and the Man was at home and the woman working 60 hours a week it would be a no brainer

Men don't get pregnant. OP is 37 weeks, baby could come anytime in next 3 to 4 weeks. If she had health problems in pregnancy DP might just have to pull his finger out.

Once baby is born DP cannot expect her to act as a housemaid for him and 2 step children. The sooner he realises this the better.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 22:24

More than anything really I just want him to understand that although I’m on maternity leave and have all of this free time to clean up that it’s not going to be a permanent thing and I will be going back to work, not decided full or part time as it depends on money but I will be going back to work and that he shouldn’t get comfortable with being a lazy arse and not lifting a finger because if I do chose to go back part time then what’s to say he will just leave ‘his’ jobs for the day I’m not working for me to complete then there’s no change. I’ll be working part time and still be expected to do the household work on my days off just because he works full time.

I know I am not ill but when he isn’t feeling too well I don’t expect him to get up and do jobs, I do it? He knows I’m more tired and have aches and pains so I don’t see why I’m not given some help towards jobs

OP posts:
itsboiledeggsagain · 14/11/2019 22:28

This sounds like a classic not agreeing on housework scenario. You need to come up with something that works for you as a couple. It will only get harder once the baby is born.

Also when you have children you will realise that there really is a whole monotony to running a house. Laundry and cooking do not become more thrilling the more you do them.

PJMasksGhekko · 14/11/2019 22:29

Well I'm going against the majority and say yanbu, what's his plan when you have had the baby?

DeRigueurMortis · 14/11/2019 22:29

The issue here I feel is "mess creation".

OP, put bluntly I don't think it's unreasonable for to to do the vast majority of the housekeeping even whilst pregnant when you're at home and he's doing a 60hr week at work.

I managed to do this fine whilst on maternity leave both pre and post birth (barring the 2 weeks DH was on paternity leave). However when I went back to work, the balance of tasks shifted.

On the other hand I do think he's being disrespectful by not doing very simple basic tasks (like putting his washing in the laundry basket, swilling out a sink post shave etc) that create additional unnecessary work for you.

I think you need a chat about expectations here.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 14/11/2019 22:29

Stop picking his pants off the floor!!!
Stop cleaning the sink after his shave. It would take him seconds to do whilst he is there. Leaving dirty washing on the floor is so disrespectful. Tell him he must think so little of you to do that.

Did he do these things when you were at work?

Sounds like he is already resentful of you being off work.

There isn't a chance in hell I would be getting up at daft o'clock to take a grown man to work once baby arrived. Those hours might be the only chance you have to sleep. Tell him to get a bloody bus or train.