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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the household chores every day whilst he works

283 replies

Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:32

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 14/11/2019 21:27

did you leave a whole day of dishes to be washed? That’s not reasonable.

Or was it clearing the dishes after you had prepared a meal? That is reasonable.

The other jobs are not big and I would think you can manage them whilst at home with no DC. What are you doing all day?

My DH is incapable of putting his toothbrush in the pot. I don’t bother commenting though.

littlealexhorne · 14/11/2019 21:27

I don't think he's unreasonable to expect you to be taking on more than an even share while you're at home all day but he is being unreasonable expecting his pregnant partner to do everything really isn't on. What about when you've had the baby, especially in the first week or two, will he still expect you to do everything then?

ferrier · 14/11/2019 21:27

I'd have a basket for everything of his that is unacceptably left lying around. Chuck all those bits in the basket.
Do the rest of the housework in the week. Share it out a bit more at the weekend. Don't do the bathroom or hoovering every day .... with only two of you it really doesn't need it.

1Morewineplease · 14/11/2019 21:28

Looking at your list , you’ve said put clothes away and later said put children’s clothes away. Wouldn’t you do this at the same time.
You wouldn’t do the weekly shop every day.
Load/unload washer/dryer takes a few minutes.

How much admin do you need to do every day?
Mop floors/vacuum ... not that long.
You’re at home all day. Why can’t you get these jobs done? Pregnancy is not a debilitating illness and you’ve plenty of time for rests and naps during the 12 hours that your partner is working.

Many women work up until the last minute of pregnancy. Unless your GP has advised you against doing anything whatsoever then keeping the house running is the least of your problems.
Pregnancy is tiresome towards the end but you need to keep moving unless otherwise advised.
Your list of chores does no way equate to 12 hours. Not even half, if I’m honest but I’m prepared to be flamed. ( managed my own pregnancies and children with much more than is on your list)

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:28

My pregnancy has been complication free but I am feeling more tired and everything else that comes along with it and I don’t like to push myself too hard during the day as it wipes me out of an evening but still have jobs to finish that I have started whilst he is sat on the sofa watching tv.

For those who have said some jobs will take 30 mins max, that’s just my whole point, it takes less than 10 seconds to put a bowl in the sink or swill it off. I clean up as I go when cooking so the sink will have hot clean soapy water in, so rub the sponge round it and put it on the drainer. Just 1 less thing for me to do the next day! I probably wouldnt be that bothered if it was on the drainer for me to put away its just having to do it all every day it’s tiresome

OP posts:
awesomeaircraft · 14/11/2019 21:31

YANBU. 37 weeks is a lot of weight to carry around. You are doing some housework. A missed wash up is no reason for a huge argument.

When the dust has settled on this one, it might be worth having a calm discussion with your partner on his and your expectations now and going forward.

We all have different experiences of childbirth and care after birth, but it is not uncommon for the mother to be exhausted physically and mentally.

You may be even less able to do household chores after the birth (C-section, etc.).

Vulpine · 14/11/2019 21:32

I'd be pissed off if i had to do washing up after a 12 hour shift

Belfield · 14/11/2019 21:33

If you think he should do more that's fine but maybe leave the stuff for him for the weekend rather than after a 12 hour shift. Dishes have to be done several times a day so I think you should do them. Hoovering, floors, bathroom maybe he can do another time. It's up to you though

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:35

The washing up tonight was a couple of days worth but I just refused to do it. I thought to myself, he can walk past it and pretend it doesn’t exist then so can I. Not that I am proud of letting it pile up like that, but I don’t want to be in a predicament where everything is just expected of me and I would honestly rather go back to work earlier and have the balance back to how it was than be treated like an unequally.

The hoovering in the kitchen in particular does need doing every day because dp smokes in the back yard and he will bring in these little tiny seeds from a tree that over shadows our garden and they get everywhere. I do sweep up but for bending downs sake I find it easier to get the hoover out

OP posts:
Etinox · 14/11/2019 21:36

A sink full of dishes when you’re 37 weeks pregnant is utterly reasonable but the backstory of not driving and looking after his dcs when pure unmarried is not ok.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:37

For these who have said YABU, what jobs would
You think would be a reasonable ask after a 12 hour shift, and when would you think reasonable to be asked to carry out these jobs?

OP posts:
SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 14/11/2019 21:37

Are you planning to go back to work after baby is born? I assume because you said maternity leave that is probably the case. Possibly also the case that you have some maternity pay to contribute. To make your point you could threaten to spend some of it on a cleaner. Tell DP and DSC that it will reduce money available to spend on treats while you are on mat leave.

During two mat leaves many years ago DH assumed the role of "breadwinner who didn't need to do anything at all in the way of domestic work or childcare".

We had always agreed I would go back to work after mat leave. Yet when the time came it was a battle to get DH to share childcare and household tasks because he had got into a routine of being a 1950s style husband.

I don't think it is particularly unreasonable for the parent who is at home to most of the domestic work, yet it can make a rod for your own back. And I wouldn't let any of them get into the habit of messing up clothes you have ironed or not put them away neatly. It shows that he is teaching his kids not to value the time you spend on doing this unpaid work for their benefit.

I enjoyed having time off with my DC, but mat leave was shorter in the 80/90s. With hindsight I should have prepared DH better for the reality of two parents both out working in our family.

Butterymuffin · 14/11/2019 21:37

More of the household jobs, yes; picking up everything after him like you're his personal maid, no.

vivacian · 14/11/2019 21:38

I get it OP. Yes you should be doing the bulk of the housework and no, you’re not being unreasonable to find it a thankless, monotonous grind that you could do with a break from.

I’d not be treated as a skivvy however. If I was picking up after him (because I like a tidy home) I’d be throwing it all in the bottom of his wardrobe. I also wouldn’t be doing his parenting for him.

I admire you driving him to and from work every day too.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:38

I don’t think he should be able to do sod all just because he goes to work.

OP posts:
nakedavengeragain · 14/11/2019 21:39

My DH works part time. I am out of the house for 12 hours a day. I do not expect to do the dishes when I get in nor do any chores during the week.

Also that list of chores can be cut back on. There is no need to clean bathrooms and vac/mop floors everyday. Me and DH share that stuff over the weekend.

However generally ensuring the place is tidy, meals cooked and dishes washed is what I'd expect from DH on a daily basis. This has nothing to do with wife work and more about who is best placed to deal with housework and fair division of labour.

A dishwasher might help...

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:41

I did want a dishwasher but it was either that or a drier and we chose the latter

OP posts:
Iggly · 14/11/2019 21:41

I don’t think he should be able to do sod all just because he goes to work

No but it’s not fair to expect him to do stuff when he gets in from a long day. Why not agree a different way to split things?

Quartz2208 · 14/11/2019 21:42

Bare bare minimum is not adding to anything - tidy up his things after himself, clothes away, swill washing up and put on side etc (and for the 8 year old)

Get himself to and from work by himself from now on

helping out at weekends - large vacuum etc/clean of the bathrooms

Lana08 · 14/11/2019 21:42

If you came home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up while he was at home would you be annoyed?

madcatladyforever · 14/11/2019 21:44

I used to do 12 hour nursing shifts full time while my first husband did fuck al;l and yes I used to get pretty damned pissed off coming home to find nothing was ever done and he'd left it all to me yet again.
But he wasn't heavily pregnant having to drive me about and look after 2 kids.
i think he should cut you some slack. Nobody will die from a bit of washing up.
I live on my own and the washing up has been in the sink all week. Who cares.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 21:45

I’m struggling to find a way to split things. Maybe it was a bit immature of me to leave the washing up for a few days which has sparked a row but I honestly do not know what else to do. I’ve spoken to him about it several times, I’ve even said I’m not expecting a deep clean every 2 days but just a little bit of help it really wouldn’t go a miss and he actually said ok sorry. So he must know himself he isn’t doing anything or way less than what he should be.

Weekends aren’t really that much different, but like a pp said their husband had fallen into the routine of doing sweet fa and I’ll be dammed if I let it continue to this point when the baby is here or when I go back to work

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 14/11/2019 21:46

YABU.....because irrespective of gender, the person who's staying at home should be enabling the person who earns the cash (assuming this is mutually agreed roles) to do just that - earn the cash. They can't easily earn the cash if they've got to also do all the bloody chores and aren't fed a meal after a hard day's work. I know chores are boring OP, tell me about it, I do them every day! However, unlike a full time job, if you organise yourself you can get the chores done and have time for some nice stuff in between....that's the sweetener.

Belfield · 14/11/2019 21:46

Fair enough. Women can make the mistake of doing everything when on mat leave and then it is expected when they return to work so maybe you are conscious of that.

Amber2019 · 14/11/2019 21:47

In our house whomever is at home with the kids does the housework, usually me as im a sahm. He tidies after himself as he goes though and we both do whatever needs done at the weekends. I have plenty time to do the house stuff while my 1 year old plays and naps though, not much else to do when you are at home, clean, occupy the kids, shopping, playgroup and parks.
.