To do the household chores every day whilst he works

[Liveinmaid]

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

I would say that whilst you’re on maternity leave you should be doing the majority of the joint household chores, but you shouldn’t be folding and putting away clothes for him and his kids - he should be doing all the chores relating to his kids and to his own things. He should also be tidying up after himself - if he leaves his sporty toothbrush behind the Tao in the sink I would just leave it there.

I don’t like to feel like I’m being treated like the live I help which is how I feel. It’s going to be my first baby so it’s the first time I’m on maternity so maybe I’m struggling to adjust to this ‘new’ life and routine. But I do think he should help.

For the travelling to work and having a newborn, it will stop, he will get the bus or arrange with a friend. He could do this now but I said to him before that I appreciate him getting up and going to work early until late and I will help by taking and picking him up but I would expect him to appreciate that I’ve done the household jobs and would like him to help by keeping it clean and tidy. I don’t think it’s a massive ask tbh

I think splitting it equally is unfair expecting you to do it all is also unfair as is his attitude.

I think you need to talk because how on earth is he going to get to and from work when you have a baby (hint its not making the baby go in the car)

Yabu

He doesn’t drive because he doesn’t have a license. He was learning to drive but finances have become tight recently and we can’t afford it

Could you clarify - when you say his children, do you mean he has two children that you see EOW, so by “nursery and school pick up and drop off,” do you just mean Friday afternoon and Monday morning of that one weekend, and there are no other children (yet - though there will be one in a month as you’re 37 weeks)? Just a bit confusing.

put your own plates etc in the dishwasher as you go, turn on last thing and you empty in the morning?

I’d be fuming if I had just worked a heavy 12 hour shift to be then told I had to stand and do all the washing up after my partner had been in the house all day.

Op, why don’t you suggest your partner reduces his hours at work so he can help you more with the housework? Or are you too happy with the money he’s bringing in? You can’t have it both ways.

YABVU

I’ll ask again. Why doesn’t he learn to drive. It will help you both.

If you weren't heavily pregnant I would think that there should be equal division but the work both in and out of the home would be considered on an hour for hour basis, especially if small dc at home, dc in school and sahp then the sahp should cover home duties, but heavily pregnant, by the end I could hardly fucking move!

@Marnie76 I can’t always see you have asked a question before I refresh the browser. I have responded above.

You really need to sit down and have a conversation about this. Because if the default is you tidying up, it's going to continue.

What's going to happen in a year's time when you want to go back to work? Do you decide to work part-time (the mummy track), to keep juggling everything at the expense of your earnings and pension? Is he going to use his 12 hour days to opt-out of everything?

He is already a father. He is about to have another child. And you are not married: there's no financial protection in place if he leaves or dies.

Speaking from experience, batching housework and giving everyone chores will cut down the work for you and make everyone be a bit more appreciative of their surroundings. Be ruthless now about decluttering, meal-plan and systemising the washing rota (an 8 year old can put away clothes, for example).

He does not need to do everything when he gets in at night, but he can bloody well get up on a Saturday morning and do some housework then.

if you are off I don't see why you wouldn't do the housework.

No need to clean bathrooms or do weekly shop every day, surely? The daily tasks you listed would take max two hours.

Splitting them is unfair while you're at home all day and he's at work. Once your child is here that's different but right now you don't exactly have busy days.

For context I worked until 38 weeks and we split everything until that point. Then I did everything until baby arrived. I was at home and not doing much else.

There needs to be some effort on his part. How would he manage his existing children without you?

By 37wks pregnant, few women are on full power. I could barely reach the sink by then!

Picking up more slack if you have more time is reasonable, but not managing more "personal care" type tasks. The danger of maternity leave is that it often leaves a legacy of infairly biased household roles.

Unless you feel physically unable to due to the pregnancy then I do think you should be doing the housework. When the baby arrives that's a different matter but you were at home for 12 hours and left dishes in the sink?

Have a calm discussion with your partner, apologise for leaving the dishes as you appreciate he must be tired but you get annoyed when he does things like leave toothbrush / mess out. Say if he can work on that you'll make more of an effort to have the place tidy for him getting home. Explain that it will need a rethink when the baby is here depending how things are going.

The children come to us eow and I will pick up from school Friday (sometimes Thursdays too) so they are with their mum the rest of the time. They can come over mid week occasionally but this is not every an every week occurrence

At 37 weeks I wasn't able to do much housework. Depends how your pregnancy is going.

would like him to help by keeping it clean and tidy. I don’t think it’s a massive ask tbh

This is exactly it for me - push a hoover round occasionally, whack the washing on from the laundry basket, sure.

Pickup after him - socks next to the bed, mugs/plates left in the living room, shoes over the hall etc. No way. Doing a bit more of a share of the communal house work does not equal being a grown adult's maid - he should pull his own weight not take advantage.

Especially at 37 weeks. In fact at 37 weeks I was so miserable I did virtually nothing - bending over to get stuff in and out of the washing machines made me winded and dizzy because the baby stopped me breathing properly, I was barely sleeping and walked so slowly that any errands took forever!

Doing the washing up is just part of life, why does he think working gets him a ‘no chores’ free pass? If he were single he’s still have to do stuff like that. You’re on maternity leave to prepare for having a baby not to be a drudge.

No prizes for guessing why he’s divorced from his first wife... he sounds lazy and entitled.

YABU. Once you have the baby then you will need him to help more but if I came in after working all day and DH had been at home and expected me to do housework l'd not be happy. I would be telling your DH to learn to drive though, that would annoy me.

Did you win him in a raffle? Were you a battered bride?
The spitty sink and rifled drawers are really annoying and disrespectful. You’re not unreasonable to object to that. But you do have agency and you are in this situation, the driving, the looking after his kids, of your own volition.

And to those saying she should do more - she IS doing the housework, she just wants him to chip in his fair share when he’s not at work which would be what a kind partner would do.

I think if your baby is older and naps in the day when you're on maternity leave then it's fair enough to expect you to do a bit more.

But what kind of human leaves a mess they could easily clean up, because their 35 week pregnant wife can clean up behind them in between running around after him and his children!? Looking after a baby and children is a job in itself

Eugh, inexcusable typo.
Were you a bartered bride?