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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the household chores every day whilst he works

283 replies

Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 20:32

My partner and I have had a big row this evening as he has had to come home from a 12 hour shift and had to do the washing up. Sounds juvenile and it is.

His argument is that he has worked 12 hours today, and shouldn’t have to come home to do stuff like this as I have been at home all day ‘doing nothing’. Admittedly yes I have done the bare minimum only because I am fed up of doing the same household jobs that no one else can be arsed to keep clean or tidy.

For context, he starts at 6am and as he doesn’t drive I take him to work and will pick him up at 6pm.

I understand I’m not at work (maternity leave, not yet had baby) but is it REALLY my responsibility to do the following everyday:

Wash up dry up put away
Load and unload the washer/dryer
Put clothes away
General tidying of each room
Make tea
Run any errands
Mop the floors/vac up
Put the kids clothes away
Clean the bathrooms
Do the weekly shopping
Sort out any household admin

I am not a fool to know he is taking the piss but I know I should do some bits at home which I don’t resent doing but when I’m having to do the same job 3 times a week which should only need to be done once it takes the biscuit.

YABU - I should be doing the majority of the household jobs
Yanbu - they should be split evenly regardless of he works 12 hours or 2 hours

OP posts:
SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 14/11/2019 22:31

Liveinmaid

You are at the end of your pregnancy and will soon have a baby to care for and also recover from childbirth. After breast feeding you will go back to work.

Please negotiate at this stage. Do not get into the entrenched position of "you should do everything for me because you are at home on mat leave". I would not repeat this mistake with the benefit of hindsight.

popsadaisy · 14/11/2019 22:33

I do everything in our house bar make mine or my OH tea (only because he always moans at me for not cooking something the correct way if I do it) or wash up (after tea time). I work 22.5 hours a week and look after our 19 month baby on my two days off and he works 37 hours per week, we both have weekends off. I know what you are saying about leaving a trail of destruction behind them because my OH does this and it drives me insane!!!! I wouldn't mind doing everything if he would just be a little more respectful e.g. put his dirty clothes in the washing basket not on a pile on the floor, or take his empty glasses downstairs for me to wash up rather than wait for me to do it, or pick his dirty boxers up off the floor after his shower, or make the bed if he's the last person out of it or throw his rubbish in the bin!!! All I seem to ever do is moan at him about these things and nothing ever changes! So I do sympathise.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/11/2019 22:36

I see your point. I'm not working atm so do tons around the house. However as no one fucking pays me or says thanks I do resent it sometimes and you do feel like a maid.
If hes taking the piss then yanbu. Also you need some lazy time before your baby comes.

PollyFeather · 14/11/2019 22:42

I may have missed this but are you getting up to take him to work for 6am? Every morning?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 14/11/2019 22:42

He sounds like an arse. I doubt he is going to help out with the baby if he moans at doing some dishes to his partner who is nearly full term.

How long have you been together. Was he always like this?

mummyof2darlings · 14/11/2019 22:46

You must be making most of the washing up though if he's at work all day for 12 hours I'm on mat leave and before I had baby I made sure everything was done plus I've got a toddler team work is key but letting it just pile up to prove a point is childish if you do that when baby is here it will be a nightmare xx

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 22:51

No I agree it wasn’t the best move, but felt it was the only way I could get him to actually pitch in.

OP posts:
AnuvvaMuvva · 14/11/2019 22:52

I do all that, and work (from home and part-time), and I've got a DH and 2 kids.

Cherrysherbet · 14/11/2019 22:57

12 hours is a long working day. He shouldn’t have to come home and do the dishes. My dh works long hours, and I have never expected him to do housework when he gets home.

I must say though, if he came home and had EXPECTED that I should have cleaned up after him, and have the house all tidy....I would not be happy! We don’t put pressure on each other in that way.

You really need to sort this before your baby arrives op. Things are about to get a lot busier! Good luck.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 23:00

So update:

Since we had a row I went and had a bath and resigned myself to the bedroom. He is on the sofa as he has tooth ache. Just nipped down for a drink.

Bearing in mind the washing up was the only thing I had not done.

The dryer door is open with a pair of his boxers hanging on the door. The basket is in the middle of the kitchen. He’s got a chopping board out and cut up a load of Ham presumably for sandwiches for his child and the board is still out as is the ham as is the knife. Clutter all over the sides.

Is it really my job to clean it up? It’s a piss take. I’m pissed off.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/11/2019 23:05

No it isn’t he shouldn’t be adding to the mess

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 14/11/2019 23:06

No, it's not your job to act as his maid and housekeeper. I think it's easy for people to say you should do the chores whilst you're at home but it's also very easy for him to slip into treating you like the hired help whilst he fails at the most basic of tasks. It's also too easy for him to slip into a pattern where you do everything and then expect that to continue after baby comes.

Go back upstairs to your bed. Don't continue the argument tonight but also don't tidy up the mess he has just made.

If he won't discuss this rationally, write him a letter, explaining you're not refusing to do your share. You're just refusing to enable him in disrespecting you and the house.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 14/11/2019 23:06

No. He should clean that up. Gobshite.

Soen · 14/11/2019 23:07

I don't blame you for being pissed off at that. I'd get annoyed too if I spent the day tidying and cleaning for someone (an adult) to mess it up again.

Politely ask him to clear the kitchen worktops and the stuff he has used. It's about feeling taken for granted more than anything, so I empathise. You are pregnant. As an act of simple kindness he could wash up his mess and clean up after himself. You both need to be kind to each other. Maybe tell him you're shattered and could do with a rest and ask if he wouldn't mind sorting his the mess he left. Do it with kindness though.

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 23:07

Aibu to leave it for him to clean up himself after a long shift tomorrow

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 14/11/2019 23:07

No - it's not acceptable.

He should be able to clean up the mess you've stated.

However, are you sure he's not playing a game of tit for tat?

Don't get me wrong - it's not the right way of handling this, but it seems like you've both got into a bit of a war of attrition here.

You really need to find a time to talk about this sensibly.

Soen · 14/11/2019 23:09

I'd probably put the ham back on the fridge...

Soen · 14/11/2019 23:09

In*

Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 23:10

I haven’t said a word to him, just walked back out of the kitchen and back upstairs but I am fuming. Kind of think he’s done it on purpose because I’ve left him the washing up. Very juvenile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liveinmaid · 14/11/2019 23:11

The ham has got that dry look about out now, and it’s been cut up into squares. Actually curious to what he’s made. Oh also there’s an empty chocolate wrapper in the fridge too!! Don’t know if I was more annoyed at it being there or disappointed that none was left!

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 14/11/2019 23:18

Dear OP, I just want to say this will not get better when your child arrives. I cannot understand why you are having a child with a man who already has 2 children and cannot drive - did you post on something else this week or are you one of 2 people on this site in this situation?

You are doing all of the work for him - why? And, honestly, I despair every day on here at the low standards women have, of course maternity leave is not leave for you to do housework - it is leave to prepare you for the biggest physical event which will happen to you in days or weeks from now!!!!

Why are you minding his children and why do you wash their clothes? He does not appreciate or thank you for this and he really thinks of you as a live-in housekeeper - and he now has a child with you to ensure you are trapped in that role.

Please, spend your remaining time on leave before your baby arrives planning a better life for yourself.

bluebella4 · 14/11/2019 23:26

YANBU !! I'm a SAHM and I refuse to clear up after laziness. He can do simple tasks like doing the dishes or putting clothes away. Especially if you're pregnant! Helping hand goes along way regardless if he's working. When do you get to rest? You can't clock off when you have children...

My husband works but that doesn't mean he gets out of doing everything in the house! We have 4 kids. He needs to pull the weight too! Looking after kids all day is hard work. Do the dishes!!

Mumtotwo82 · 14/11/2019 23:33

I think if he showed a bit more appreciation maybe you wouldn't feel like this so much. while I do think who ever is home and not going out to work does the lion share of chores. Everyone can chip in and make life easier. Cleaning up a sink after spitting in it takes seconds and yes that would annoy me. Maybe if he could cook a meal at the weekend and maybe wash up the other night. Try to tidy after himself like putting away, cleaning up what he uses. Maybe tell him how much you appreciate him working 12 hour shifts and you know he works hard but when he doesn't tidy after himself, you feel under valued and taken for granted. When the kids are there set them little chores like putting away after themselves. You are not a maid no.

SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 14/11/2019 23:35

He’s got a chopping board out and cut up a load of Ham presumably for sandwiches for his child

I hope his children have lunch made and sitting in the fridge ready for next morning. If he cannot do this now, how will he manage when you are recovering from childbirth?

Yet you refer to "his child", I thought from an earlier post there were two of them.

Mumtotwo82 · 14/11/2019 23:38

He should definitely clean up after himself after making sandwiches. That is really unfair if he expects you to put away mess he makes.