'Very smart' staff member getting on my nerves

[kippenvel]

A couple of weeks ago, I started volunteering at this food bank. Every volunteering session lasts for about 3 hours. Because the time slot I picked is largely inconvenient for most people working conventional hours, I'm always the sole volunteer there alongside this particular full time member of staff.

Hate is a strong word, I know, but after all our sessions together, I can safely say that what I feel towards her (especially during/right after my shift) comes pretty close.

Here are the 2 main reasons why:

1. She is CONSTANTLY talking about how smart she is.

E.g.: I was talking about having to study for my upcoming uni exams, and she went on and on about how she didn't even have to study back in the day because it was all 'common sense'! She also unironically mentions her IQ all the time, and uses it to substantiate whatever claim she wants to make that day.

1. She tries to analyse me and states her conclusions as if they were the gospel truth.

E.g.: I'm gay and she has told me that it's either because some boy has hurt me in the past (completely untrue) or because I lacked a stable motherly figure growing up (also untrue). When countered she gave me this bloody irritating knowing look and condescendingly told me that it's unconscious and that we 'don't always see the damage that people have done to us'.

I now give her monosyllabic replies in the hopes that she'll eventually get bored but apparently not! No other time is convenient for me, sadly. AIBU to consider quitting just to keep my blood pressure down?

Hadn't seen your update . You have to do something about this. Forward her message to someone. If you b let v people step on you like it's bound to get worse. She needs to be told that her actions are not OK

Urgh, she's a homophobic fuckwit, 🤢

what she's saying there is one step away from telling your benefit from conversion therapy. If there's a higher up to raise a complaint with, do so. If not, I'd be putting her straight, telling her to stick it & finding something else. How dare she insinuate that your sexuality is because you are damaged. I really couldn't be nice to that

Well, I clearly am not smart.... I thought the thread was going to be about aesthetically smart and putting yourscruffy atire to shame🙄
She might have something in the looking for a mother figure though, I am gay and my mother was bat crap crazy....I am in my 40s and still in therapy 😆

@kippenvel report and attach the article. Its hompphobic to assert your sexuality must be trauma based, and it's offensive to insist you had an abusive childhood

Uhh stick earphones in with your fave tunes and dance and sing along as you pack! I recommend Green Day "Basket Case" proper motivational

I've taken a screenshot of the message and will most likely be emailing the volunteer coordinator over the weekend. Shall see what she has to say before I decide on what to do next.

I've always thought that I was (or could be) one of those people with seemingly unlimited patience and the ability to brush things off but I'm seriously starting to think that life is too short to subject myself to 3 hours of scheduled irritation every week!

Why does this woman have your phone number?

Vile and hate are strong words here. Maybe this woman is unaware of how she is making you feel. Something that is obvious to you may not be obvious to her. For example she could be on the spectrum and says something that’s in her head without fully appreciating the impact of her words. Why dont you try telling her matter of factly that you are uncomfortable when she says xyz

Why does this woman have your phone number?

We're the only 2 people on at that particular time slot and I text her if I'm going to be late or if I can't make it so she can make the necessary adjustments.

Even volunteers need to adhere to anti discrimination laws and other such guidelines. Speak to the volunteer coordinator or find another charity

She sounds awful.

You could just stop or you could speak to someone senior and discuss this because there’s a chance she will saying unpleasant or inappropriate things to the people coming to the food bank.

The 'smart' thing is easy. Remember she's a full-time employee at a food bank; not something a 'smart' person would be doing. She's envious and trying big herself up to your level.

The gay thing is harder. She probably means well, but doesn't understand that she is being hurtful and discriminatory (she isn't that bright, remember). Tell her straight that her words are hurtful and ask her to stop, please. Otherwise, you'll need to talk to your boss and ask them to have a word.

It's lovely that you're volunteering!

I’d write a letter to the volunteer coordinator about the homophobia.

When I hear the word smart I don’t think of intelligence, I think of highly polished shiny shoes and a pussy now blouse!

Now = bow

@kippenvel You really must email the volunteer coordinator, and set out the reasons you are considering your position as a volunteer. The homophobia is pretty damned obvious, but if you also mention the staff members superior attitude, and how offputting even that is by itself, it can't be dismissed as an isolated incident or making one error of judgement - it's actually her personality.

I really hope this doesn't put you off volunteering in the future, because you sound practical, fun, and level-headed. I've encountered quite a few eejits during volunteering, but pretty much all of my best friends are people I've met as a result of it - and we enjoy what we do, rather than feeling that we're being got at!

My experience of this kind of thing is that organisations often will close ranks and suggest you’re too sensitive or it’s a personal disagreement .

Or she’ll claim that you asked her to send you something and you were continuing an ongoing talk (In which case it’s her word against yours) or you’re some fragile student flower who can’t take a bit of banter.

She may have done this to others in the past - and even if they reported it it might been brushed under the carpet as a “strong personality”

If it’s a full time staff member who is normally reliable and is willing to work a shit shift no one else wants to do for a low wage in a low status job, they’re not going to want to piss her off.

Three hours a week plus commuting time you can be getting work experience somewhere nice that looks good on your cv

(I hope I’m wrong)

I would 100% complain about the homophobia. She's actually starting to harass you now by sending you that article.

The rest of it sounds like she has low self esteem and is being a pain in the arse.

Try to find somewhere else to volunteer.

Has anyone seen the Seinfeld episode where George's girlfriend makes him sit an IQ test? 😆 I'd love to put this woman to the test!

I'd ask her why she is always mentioning her IQ? Is she insecure? Turn her phsyco babble back on her

Smart people don’t bang on about how smart they are. Google the Dunning-Kruger effect.

You should be able to complain about the homophobia. It’s not acceptable.

Deeply offensive.

You sound very patient OP.

I wonder how many others she has chased away.

💐

If she's a member of staff report her to the company for homophobia.

I bet she's one of those people who believe in Aversion Therapy.

Does she think if you got over this supposed "heartbreak" you'll be ungayed?

What a stupid twat.

I hope the volunteer co-ordinator can help resolve this so that you can continue helping out and also so that someone speaks to her about her behaviour. I agree with pps what if she says things like this to vulnerable clients? good on you for volunteering in the first place tho x