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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's normal for parents of young kids to hardly ever have sex

121 replies

Sillysausageandeggs · 13/11/2019 22:23

I was just talking to an old friend and we got onto the subject of our sex lives. We're both in our 40s and both been married more than 15 years. She has 2 older kids, but my youngest is only 5. Didn't go into too many details in the conversation, but she was saying that it seemed strange that my partner and I don't have sex very often. Made me feel like my relationship is doomed! Am I missing something here? AIBU to think that she's the strange one?!

OP posts:
LiquoricePickle · 13/11/2019 22:47

I think it's absolutely normal but I also think that people forget very quickly what it was like having small children.

As long as you are making time for each other when you can and you love each other, then you're not doomed at all!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2019 22:51

In my personal experience, my husband and I always had sex regularly, even when the kids were very little because we both knew how important it is to nurture your intimate relationship. It takes effort on both sides but it's worth it to keep your marriage strong.

Purplelion · 13/11/2019 22:53

To be honest I can understand her finding it strange. Your youngest child is 5, hardly a baby that wakes in the night!
I think some people use young children as an excuse to not have sex often.
Oh and I have 3 children, the youngest being 11 weeks, and my partner and I have sex about 3 times a week. I truly believe it’s important to make that time for each other once the kids are in bed.

BananaSpanner · 13/11/2019 22:53

It’s normal for many, even most couples but plenty of couples will still be pretty active.

BananaSpanner · 13/11/2019 22:54

But if you’re both happy with how often you have sex does it matter how often other people do it?

justcantthink · 13/11/2019 22:55

Both in our 40's with 13 yr old and 5 yr old. We have sex once a week, tbh I don't really have the energy so we are lucky if it does happen.

Losingcontrol · 13/11/2019 22:56

I think it’s normal. Mine are 6 and 3 and the 6 year old literally only started sleeping through the night, in her own bed, about 2 weeks ago. The 3 year old wakes like clockwork at 10pm and 1am and cannot be consoled so comes into bed with us. We’re so tired we let them do it as we get sleep. Both of us would rather get an early night for sleep rather than sex!

Justmuddlingalong · 13/11/2019 22:58

Are you and your partner both happy with the amount of sex you have?

tilder · 13/11/2019 22:59

I think it's normal that it's massively between couples. With most people exaggerating the frequency.

Am slightly ShockShockShock at the prospect of 3 times a week with a 11 week old baby.

WombOfOnesOwn · 13/11/2019 22:59

I was thinking this was about someone with a 6 month old, not a 5 year old.

Your kids aren't really "young kids" any more if the youngest is five, sorry.

I'd say my sex life with my husband took a pretty big hit for the first six months of life for each of the kids. By the time each was a year old, we were back to a frequency of 3-10 times per week, which isn't too far from how things were before kids. The biggest difference is that we can't exactly go up for a nooner anymore, and mornings involve one person (usually my DH) getting up to attend to a 3 and 1 year old, so sex is almost always before bed instead of whenever in the day we felt like it.

In some ways, it's kind of fun, you know? Like having to sneak around when you're a teenager and make sure you're only having sex in secret, driving each other wild while devilishly telling them not to make any sound, you'll wake the baby? It can be fun, you've got to have the right attitude.

tilder · 13/11/2019 22:59

massively different* between couples

Branleuse · 13/11/2019 23:02

Ours was fine when children were young, as we still had loads of time in the evenings. Now theyre older, stay up late , we rarely get the opportunity. That coupled with perimenopause, its a bit dire, and we can easy go a couple of weeks now, when before we were really active

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 13/11/2019 23:02

I truly believe it’s important to make that time for each other once the kids are in bed.

It is, but, my toddler didn't go to bed/sleep, ever, till about six months ago. If you're knackered, it's ok to not feel like banging. At going on 3 he still wakes in the night. Last night he was up for three solid hours. We're planning on TTC soon and are literally having to try and schedule in when we might be able to have a shag. Grin

Wearywithteens · 13/11/2019 23:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Bluerussian · 13/11/2019 23:04

It is quite normal, op. When the children are older, you'll probably get back into the swing of things.

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 13/11/2019 23:05

Since when is five not a young kid?! Shock

And would definitely think the PP shagging thrice a week with an 11 week old is likely to be the exception rather than the rule. Kudos to them though! That's impressive! I was still passing chunks and wearing a maternity pads Grin

Sparkle733 · 13/11/2019 23:08

I think it is definitely normal not to have sex often with young children and having a 5 year old is still young.
Having sex 3 times a week with an 11 week old that's something else haha.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/11/2019 23:14

Are you both happy with how things are at this point in time?

Also your not very often might be different to other people's. So once a week would be not very often to Purplelion but lots to Wearywithteens

CaptainCautious · 13/11/2019 23:17

I think it depends on if you’re happy or not. If you and DH are happy with the amount you’re having then it isn’t anyone else’s business

RandomMess · 13/11/2019 23:20

It's so different for everyone. We were having sex most nights until our DC became pre-teens and they started staying awake later which also coincided with a bad patch in our marriage and things never picked up again but health is a factor now as well tbh.

I agree that sex isn't necessarily an indicator of how happy a relationship is!!!! If you are both happy with your status quo why worry what other people are getting up to?

QueenoftheDay · 13/11/2019 23:25

*By the time each was a year old, we were back to a frequency of 3-10 times per week, which isn't too far from how things were before kids. The biggest difference is that we can't exactly go up for a nooner anymore, and mornings involve one person (usually my DH) getting up to attend to a 3 and 1 year old, so sex is almost always before bed instead of whenever in the day we felt like it.

In some ways, it's kind of fun, you know? Like having to sneak around when you're a teenager and make sure you're only having sex in secret, driving each other wild while devilishly telling them not to make any sound, you'll wake the baby? It can be fun, you've got to have the right attitude*

Always feel posts like this are probably written by Kevin the Teenager 😂 how do you have sex ten times per week when you can only really do it before bed?

fpurplea · 13/11/2019 23:33

Why do either of your situations have to be strange? Some people have lots of sex, some people don't, as long as everyone's happy, what's the issue? My husband and I very very rarely DTD, we've discussed it and we both just have pretty low sex drives. We both still love the bones off each other. It's threads like this that make me worry that I'm abnormal and should be wanting more sex and I should be "servicing" him more. Just do you.

OhHolyNightWaking · 13/11/2019 23:35

once the kids are in bed.

This is all very well if you have children that "go to bed". My second child is a disastrous sleeper. I go to bed when baby does as they need me right there to sleep and stay asleep (and also so I can maximize my sleep). This is not conducive to having a shag.
Also the idea of having sex with an eleven week old baby in the room is a total turn off to me, as is the SIDS risk of putting them in another room at that age.

To each their own I think. Sex is more important to some people/couples than others. Don't take responses on this thread personally OP.

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 13/11/2019 23:42

Thanks for your replies. So, in response to: my oldest is a teenager, the middle child is 10. The age range means that the older one isn't going to bed until late, the younger one still wanders into our room at night, and if I lock the door I just get upset kids knocking on it. So that's the kids thing. Sure they aren't babies anymore, but 3 kids is still full on.

We both also work full time... So we're exhausted most of the time. Sleep trumps sex most of the time. When the weekend comes, we also tend to have family movie nights and let the kids stay up late because we know that these days won't last forever.

I'm impressed at 3 - 10 times a week... We have never been that active in 18 years of knowing each other! Even in the early days 2-3 times was a good week! Lol. Now, we can go a month without a shag. But we laugh all the time, we love each other and we spend plenty of time snuggled up in bed with books and movies. We just can't be bothered with getting naked! Ha ha.
Oh and yeah, perimenopause doesn't help things.

Probably should try to shake things up in the bedroom a little bit though. But first I need to finish my book... Ha ha

OP posts:
SidekickSally · 13/11/2019 23:44

3-10 times per week? Flippin’ eck Queenoftheday. How do you manage that?

I would like more sex than we currently have but laziness and tiredness has taken over. We go a whole month with nothing. I’m not particularly happy with that, my DH has a lower sex drive. But when we finally manage it it is good. But If I didn’t instigate it’d be even less often 🙁