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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that it's normal for parents of young kids to hardly ever have sex

121 replies

Sillysausageandeggs · 13/11/2019 22:23

I was just talking to an old friend and we got onto the subject of our sex lives. We're both in our 40s and both been married more than 15 years. She has 2 older kids, but my youngest is only 5. Didn't go into too many details in the conversation, but she was saying that it seemed strange that my partner and I don't have sex very often. Made me feel like my relationship is doomed! Am I missing something here? AIBU to think that she's the strange one?!

OP posts:
peachgreen · 13/11/2019 23:47

Pre-DD I would have read threads like this and scoffed knowing that DH and I would never end up like that after we had a baby because we would always prioritise intimacy and we both had very healthy sex drives etc etc.

Oh, past self, what an insufferable, foolish dick you were! Grin DD is almost 2 and we've gone from 4 times a week to once or twice a month. On the bright side the quality has improved, but the quantity has definitely plummeted! But we're very open about it and neither of us is unsatisfied.

wantthismummy · 13/11/2019 23:51

I don’t think there is a normal. Before our 2 year old came along maybe a 1-2 times in the week we would say “shall we go upstairs” lol but we can’t do that now we have a 2 year old on the loose from 8am-9pm every day! If I’m quite honest I could happily go weeks on end without it. After looking after my son all day I just want a bath, pjs, bit of tv that isn’t paw patrol and sleep. It can actually be only once a fortnight and we’re only 28 and 31 Sad it’s certainly more on my part than his, he moans about it a lot!

Celebelly · 13/11/2019 23:53

I think it comes in cycles and that most long-term relationships have their own ebb and flow. We had sex loads when we first got together, it reduced to a level that was more manageable long-term, increased when TTC, and decreased while pregnant and still is fairly low 9mo after baby was born, but is starting to increase gradually again. I think stable relationships generally do have that kind of give and take in them as life and circumstances change.

Nomorepies · 13/11/2019 23:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

QueenoftheDay · 14/11/2019 00:41

SidekickSally not me (sadly!) I was quoting a previous poster but had a bold fail!

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/11/2019 00:50

3-10 times a week with really young kids is likely a complete lie.

Purplelion · 14/11/2019 06:12

What’s normal is different for everyone.
Yes I have an 11 week old but I stopped bleeding after 2 weeks, she sleeps through (As do my older 2) She’s in our room and there’s nothing wrong with having sex with an asleep baby in the room with you.
It’s something we prioritise as it’s important to us, that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone!

JoanBonJovi · 14/11/2019 06:21

I’m as old as the hills. Everyone I knew barely had sex in the first few YEARS.

Things change tho.

coffeeandgin26 · 14/11/2019 06:25

We have four kids - all under 8 (youngest being 12 weeks) and we have sex at least twice a week. It's important for us to still be us so we make time for it. If you're happy though, what's the problem?

WombOfOnesOwn · 14/11/2019 06:26

I assumed the frequency was on the higher side in my relationship but didn't realize it was that unusual, I suppose I will give my husband an extra hug tonight. We're a very "lovey" couple in a lot of ways, I suppose, and spend really all our time together (he's a SAHD homeschooling and I work from home), so we have a lot of time when we can do other things together. It's really only the sex and physical affection that has to wait until the kids are in bed at 10 PM, and due to working from home, we don't have to wake up to an alarm clock.

As for how one can have sex 10 times when it's all only after the kids have gone to bed...you've never been in the afterglow and thought you'd go for round two? Or three? For me it seems like there are peaks and valleys to frequency that track with my cycle. The more-like-3-times weeks happening three weeks a month, a more-like-6 or 7-times week every month like clockwork post-ovulation, and once in a few months a 10-times-a-week kind of week that involves some close-to-all-nighters.

I'm a fairly longterm poster, I've got no reason to lie. OP asked, and I answered. It can be kind of nice to work together to get the kids' breakfast ready in the haze of having been up most of the night being good to one another. The fact that people stop doing these kinds of things or regard them as kind of horrifying to do after having kids is honestly sort of surprising to me. It's relatively rare for me to discuss my sex life these days (I suppose I used to do so with friends when I was a teenager/early 20something, but not for years!), but I guess I assumed many married couples were doing similar and just not talking about it for the sake of politeness.

ChileConCarne · 14/11/2019 06:27

Oh and I have 3 children, the youngest being 11 weeks, and my partner and I have sex about 3 times a week

Good for you Purple!

Well we don’t even have kids but, having been together 15 years, sex just isn’t the priority it was, although I still fancy the pants off my husband. With working full time and falling asleep in front of Netflix, it only happens at the weekend - once a week typically. That works for us.

Chouxalacreme · 14/11/2019 06:28

Well jel of anyone getting it quite frankly ! My husband has shut up shop !

Alyosha · 14/11/2019 06:30

Depends on how much you prioritise sex. DH and I do and have sex 1-2 times a week and have done from 6 weeks postpartum.

PooWillyBumBum · 14/11/2019 06:31

I think once a month with kids all older than 4 is probably much, much lower than the average but I doubt you’re doomed if you’re both truly happy with the situation.

We were back to normal after 6 months with DD1 (who is now nearly 12!) Am pregnant again now so we shall see, but DH is taking advantage of the crazy pregnancy hormones now just in case!

user1374384 · 14/11/2019 06:32

3-10 times a week Shock ! Actually sounds unhealthy to me, like hormone fueled teenagers.

runoutofideasnow · 14/11/2019 06:33

DS is 3, so far we've had sex 3 times this week. We are ttc though but it shows if you prioritise it then it can be done. It's ok to not prioritise sex though as long as your partner is ok with that too.

In the 2 years after ds was born once he was 12 weeks old we averaged around twice a month. After he turned 2 we've averaged around 5 - 10 times per month.

runoutofideasnow · 14/11/2019 06:35

DS is 3, so far DH & I had sex 3 times this week.

U2HasTheEdge · 14/11/2019 06:39

With young children you are exhausted, and often feel 'touched out'.

It is much harder to have sex when your children are teens because they are up all the time, and you are still exhausted.

I predict that sex will be more frequent when they have all left home!

It is so important to make time for one another, but that doesn't have to involve sex. I have five children, I work and study full time. Sex isn't a high priority for me right now. Spending time with my husband is, but not sex. As great as it is, it is hard fitting it in (no pun intended).

JoanBonJovi · 14/11/2019 06:47

If one more person sYs its important to make time 😡😡😡

moomoomummy · 14/11/2019 07:10

'' It can be kind of nice to work together to get the kids' breakfast ready in the haze of having been up most of the night being good to one another. The fact that people stop doing these kinds of things or regard them as kind of horrifying to do after having kids is honestly sort of surprising to me'
'
Respect to you for pulling all nighters!
I just cant get my head around it though. Wouldnt happen for me. Have to be well rested for a job that requires full attention otherwise my patients may die. Love sleep . Hate being tired. Not interested.
I suspect you are young?

FOJeremy · 14/11/2019 07:11

I don’t think it normal, no

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/11/2019 07:14

As long as you are both having the amount of sex you want, then who gives a hoot what others think.

U2HasTheEdge · 14/11/2019 07:16

Pulling all nighters for sex, when I have to go to work, drive and then come home to five children sounds like a complete nightmare!

I am surprised that anyone thinks it is surprising that most couples don't do that.

Working from home and having a SAHD makes a lot of difference, of course. Most people can't go to work on very little sleep.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 14/11/2019 07:20

We have 3 dc 11, 6, 3 I work back to back with my dh so evening and weekends and we have sex about 2-3 a week. There was a time we didnt so it as much but we really try to make the effort with each and I felt out relationship has improved because of this.

user1493413286 · 14/11/2019 07:25

We’ve gone from a 3-4 week couple to once a week assuming that we manage it as we have early waking children and are too tired at night. For me that’s not much and I’d like more but it’s a side effect of children. I think it’s more important to make sure both you and your DH are on the same page, I think problems come up when one person is ok with a certain amount and the other wants much more