To think that it's normal for parents of young kids to hardly ever have sex

[Sillysausageandeggs]

I was just talking to an old friend and we got onto the subject of our sex lives. We're both in our 40s and both been married more than 15 years. She has 2 older kids, but my youngest is only 5. Didn't go into too many details in the conversation, but she was saying that it seemed strange that my partner and I don't have sex very often. Made me feel like my relationship is doomed! Am I missing something here? AIBU to think that she's the strange one?!

I do feel like the single most crucial element is not to let the touching, kissing, hugging, intimacy and physical appreciation go. The joy of a lovely hug and chat together in bed, holding hands if you like that etc. A proper snog from time to time, stroking hair etc.

I think you can ride out and adjust to changes in partners sex drive etc if that's still ok. That's based on my own marriage but also comments from others.

Doesn't it get boring shagging the same person 3 - 11 times per week for years?

This is where working together in terms of childcare comes in. A lot of our sex would happen between night feeds.

I think for a lot of people, they always lacked an independent desire for sex and now they've got the babies, being physically intimate with their partner is the least of their priorities.

Me and dh definitly lacking compared to some. Weve got a 20month old.
I'd say were about once a week but if we have full on week or no sleep we can go a good two or 3 weeks occasionally.

It's each to their own. Maybe you could have a shower together? If time and kids knocking on your bedroom door if the issue that could be a good way to fit intimacy in

Doesn't it get boring shagging the same person 3 - 11 times per week for years?

This is sad. You know, sex isnt the same every time. You do different things and get creative with it. Is it just missionary and thrust away round yours?

I think normal is very subjective. For us, once a month would definitely not be normal, I’d assume that my husband hated me and start preparing for divorce. But for others it may be perfectly fine. So long as you are both happy then I don’t see the issue.

@TeachesOfPeaches no, that’s not really how sex works. It doesn’t get boring eating chocolate 3-11 times per week either.

U2HasTheEdge I can definitely relate to feeling touched out by the end of the day with young kids. Sometimes once they’re in bed I just want a bit of my own space which isn’t something that really occurred to me could happen before I had children

Most nights since the baby (now 1) was about 3 months. So maybe 6 times a week?

But the stereotype is that parents of young children are too tired for sex, and there’s usually some sliver of truth behind stereotypes.

We manage about twice a month just now.

DS is 18 months and doesn't sleep. Ever. So I'm knackered and often go to bed with him at 8 so I can get a few hours before the waking begins.

@ChilledBee no, I've been single for several years now. I've always struggled with that side of relationships as find mandatory sex very boring.

I think for a lot of people, they always lacked an independent desire for sex and now they've got the babies, being physically intimate with their partner is the least of their priorities.

I don't think that's true - certainly in some cases but I'm not sure I'd say most. I think the trope of women (it's always women) not really enjoying sex and only having it to have babies is rooted in misogyny and leads to women having to put up with unsatisfactory sex and feeling ashamed for having the desire for anything more.

AIBU to think some people have come on this thread just to brag about their sex lives 😂 Fair play to you all, you have some very good sleepers, are clearly very organised and have a good work life balance! (Or you both orgasm in 30 seconds!)

Our DD is 9 months now but not sleeping through and my c section recovery was rough. We ate still trying to manage twice a month, but usually once, I have also had horrendous periods since DD was born so that knocks out a week or anything mutual at least.

I’m absolutely exhausted most of the time, the physical toll of a 11.5kg baby that doesn’t crawl is killing me!

Powkin don't worry. We didn't have sex until DD was 9 months old. I had a difficult recovery from my instrumental delivery and had pain until then. And then it was only about once a month and now she's 17 months we tend to do it a few times over a fortnight or so and then not again for a few weeks and then repeat. I have short cycles and very long heavy periods so they are a major obstacle too. But mostly we are just exhausted. DD didn't crawl either btw, started bum shuffling at 11 months and walking at 16 months. She is very clingy and still needs to be carried about a lot.

We have three kids, youngest is 13 weeks.

We’re probably averaging about once a week currently. The baby is still in our room and I don’t particularly enjoy having sex with him there so it’s a case of get him in his cot in his room, baby monitor on and basically get down to it. I love my OH but at the minute sex is purely to scratch an Itch as the rush to makes it less intimate. We are affectionate and intimate in other ways though! So I think it’s normal.

It is perfectly normal. We had less when being woken up hour afetr hour by babies. I do remember with each of the 4 births (last was twins so 5 children - all vaingal deliveries) that we had had sex before the 6 weeks GP check up.

Also what is normal? It is whatever you are both happy with. The problems come whn people haev different sex drives. I always worked full time even with 2 week babies but I didn't feel too much like sex when breastfeeding for a year although we had it and my husband was not so keen on sex once I was visibly pregnsant (when I felt sexier even ) so that is a bit of bad lack of synergy.

I think the trope of women (it's always women) not really enjoying sex and only having it to have babies is rooted in misogyny and leads to women having to put up with unsatisfactory sex and feeling ashamed for having the desire for anything more.
Heterosexual women are the lease sexually content demographic. Therefore, not having enjoyable sex will lead to you not really desiring it. Not the act itself,anyway, you may enjoy what happens as a result of sex (bonding,relationship progression). I'm not saying women are inherently asexual. I'm saying that men make it hard for women to see sex as something pleasurable in itself.

I reckon it's fairly normal for most couples. We have a 7 month old and together 5 years, it's not a frequent as it used to be but neither of us are upset by that. I'd say once or twice a week is what we manage currently, dont really see how we could manage any more with baby's unpredictable sleep schedule and our general exhaustion!

No I don't think once a month or a month between sex is normal when the youngest is 5, I would personally feel there was something wring by the time one week had passed let alone 4.
I had more sex than that when I was single with 2 under 4

It depends. In a healthy communicative relationship where you achieve intimacy without sex then, fine. My ex and I had very frequent sex even when my children were waking in the night. Because we didn't properly communicate and still I felt very isolated. My husband and I now probably would like a bit more sex but we are happy as we know that sex isn't all we have between us. Some relationships are multifaceted some aren't. I suppose there's no better or worse per se, sex is what some prefer for intimacy. But personally I am more fulfilled as a human with less sex than some and more emotional intamacy.

I couldn't bring myself to have sex with a sleeping baby in the room. For some reason it feels really wrong to me. Like having sex while the cat is looking at you. It wouldn't put me in the mood at all

I truly believe it’s important to make that time for each other once the kids are in bed.

I mean, fine. But I think that it's way, way more important to keep communicating, and to love and respect each other for what you are doing, not what you aren't.

I think if one of you was really unhappy with the sex frequency, you'd definitely know. It's not just women who's sex drive takes a hit as middle age approaches, men can feel less like having sex as they get older, testosterone decreases, ED and sexual performance can be an issue causing anxiety, more responsibility at work causes more stress and tiredness. As long as you are both happy and content, which you'd know, it's fine.

What's normal for one couple won't be normal for another it all depends on the couple and relationship x

DS was still sleeping in with us at 5, absolutely refused to sleep anywhere else so opportunities for sex were somewhat limited. Of course there are other rooms, but I don't sleep well and slept even less well with him in with us so I was constantly knackered.

If we did manage to start anything in another room DS would tend to wake up anyway despite us being quiet, tbh he has an uncanny ability to wake whenever we start to do anything inappropriate for him to view. We gave up completely on Game of Thrones. So not always an excuse, sometimes children do make it extremely difficult!