To think that it's normal for parents of young kids to hardly ever have sex

[Sillysausageandeggs]

I was just talking to an old friend and we got onto the subject of our sex lives. We're both in our 40s and both been married more than 15 years. She has 2 older kids, but my youngest is only 5. Didn't go into too many details in the conversation, but she was saying that it seemed strange that my partner and I don't have sex very often. Made me feel like my relationship is doomed! Am I missing something here? AIBU to think that she's the strange one?!

Yes sadly true for us!

It really, really doesn't matter how often a couple have sex as long as they are both happy. What other people do is up to them. Problems only start when one partner is feeling rejected and unhappy - or one partner is feeling guilty and under pressure to take more interest in sex. Even if there is an imbalance in terms of one person being more inclined to increase the frequency of sex, it can be addressed if you both care about each other and avoid trying to blame your partner or insist on having your own way.

Every person and therefore couple is so different. I do think it's best if you both have similar sex drives. We have 3 children aged 4, 3 and 8 weeks. Probably average 3 or 4 times a week because it's a stress relief and we both love it. When I was pregnant with our youngest it was every day. For us though we probably have less piv sex than many couples. We just enjoy other things more as we find it more sensual and sexual.

So, if you're both happy who cares what your friend does

@MeadowHay - thanks for your reply! I’m very scared by all the messages re: toddlers that don’t sleep! DD has slept through 7 nights in the whole 9 months and is 99% percentile for weight so is just mega and exhausting to haul around. I can’t imagine how much more sexy energy I’d have with a sleeper!

Currently got another super fun period (26/27 day cycle here) and 4 teeth coming through at once so can’t see us feeling sexy in the next week!

Timing is the hardest thing too... both having the energy and enthusiasm at the same time is tough. I often say we can have sex but only if I get to stay in bed and he does the dishwasher, that’s our sexy talk/foreplay right now!

Frequency of sex varies from couple to couple and as long as both sides are satisfied, it really doesn't matter whether it's several times a week or a few times a year.

For me, I really, really struggled initially. The last few weeks of pregnancy were sexless, I wasn't feeling great, and by the time the baby arrived, I was so desperate for sex I could've been climbing the walls. Alas, baby was a right little screamer and didn't particularly enjoy sleeping.
A few weeks post-partum I was so sexually frustrated that my poor partner had to hide to avoid my irritability.

Then once baby was 8 weeks old? I think? I decided that enough is enough and normal service is to resume immediately. Since then, I've been having regular sex.

Sometimes I prioritise sex over getting enough sleep, and poor partner rarely goes to work fully rested, but a woman has her needs, I need my release, and thankfully the dude is happy to deliver!

3-10 times a week? With kids?! hmm

This is us. Sex is incredibly important to us so we've always prioritised it. DS is 5 now so goes to bed by 8 and sleeps until 7 which gives us loads of time!

I think the talk about "you need to make time for it" etc can go two ways.

It can mean "you can't be 100% focused on serving your children's needs, you need to focus on yourself as well, and that means maintaining your adult relationships", which is fine.

Or it can mean "you can't be 100% focused on serving your children's needs, you need to focus on your man's needs as well" which is not.

If I've spent all day exhausted with a baby clamped to my nipple, clearing up stickle-bricks and refereeing shouts of "MUMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!", I don't want to see my husband as someone else queuing up behind the children for yet more of my time and attention. I would end up resenting the hell out of him. I would rather that sex dipped in frequency for a while than that we were at it like rabbits all the same but I was seeing it as a chore.

Your youngest is five, not five months so yes I think you should be having sex fairly often by that point. I think sex is important in a relationship, I couldn’t deal without it for days unless of course DH or I were ill which has happened (postpartum being a major example).

I have four DC, youngest recently turned one and DH and I still have sex generally 4-5 times a week.

We are in our 30s and have been together for 18 years.
We have lived together for 15 years. For 10 of those years my husband worked nights so we only shared a bed twice a week. Probably had sex once a week. We've now got 2 kids. He doesn't work nights anymore but i have physical health/mobility problems, i snore, im overweight, and we now sleep in seperate rooms. My youngest is 5 and I don't think we've had sex since she was about 2! I cringe when I think about it and feel really embarrassed. But we've both always had low sex drives and are happy with the situation we cuddle up together on the sofa each night, hold hands etc, and love each other deeply.

Five years since giving birth is not "not having sex because of young DC"

I was very lucky with DS sleeping patterns, and our sex life was probably back to normal at around 4-5 months. I'd say after 2.5yrs, (and that's being generous) you can't blame no sex life on DC, unless there's a physical reason like you're still allowing your DC to exclusively co-sleep.

Five years since giving birth is not "not having sex because of young DC
You don't think 5 is young or you think they're all great sleepers by that age?
DS is 4.5, he goes through phases when he wakes every night so I'm literally on tenterhooks waiting for him to wake up within the first two hours of yus coming to bed. I can really relax to sex to that. Sometimes. He sleeps better but I'm exhausted from the 6 am wakes ups instead. Those periods are less sex are def due to having a young child

We have a one year old and have regular sex. Once a day, bare minimum, but usually at least two. But I do think most people with young children definitely have sex less than they did before.

But I do think most people with young children definitely have sex less than they did before. actually that's a far bet measure, how much has it gone up or down rather than a ball park figure

It is so personal. I am an introverted morning person. By the evening the last thing I feel like is sex, I just want to be left alone and not talk to anyone. In the morning though I am totally up for it. Problem is that DS wakes between 5-6 so the times we are awake before him are rare so sex is rare.

I appreciate sex is something where both parties must feel happy, wanting it etc, but I always wonder when reading this threads, whether the person's partner is also happy with the frequency>?

Well my husband clearly wasn't happy that's most probably why he turned to watching porn on late night TV (I could have written your post op, minus the affection, you are fortunate there).

What's normal? One person's normal is going to be different from someone else's. If you and your husband are both happy with the frequency, there's no issue.

Where an issue starts to appear is when this is no longer the case (and I really don't think a lot of people are honest) and I know plenty of people's whose relationships have gone tits up because of this. Okay, it's not the be-all and end all but it is pretty important in my opinion - without it, it feels a bit 'friendzone' - plus it's bloody good fun!

If there are issues with children sleeping etc there are aways around this. If it's because you don't actually want to have sex with your husband...then that's a different scenario altogether.

Once or twice a year for the last three years! We are old & tired. She is three and just.so.full.on!

I think instead of discussing frequency of sex, it would be more fun to play “spot the liar” on this thread

Some utter crap and lies being spouted on here I have no doubt

I would expect things to be picking up again long before a child is 5 tbh.

OP...I'm with you on that. My youngest is 11. We never do it as they are never in bed and when they are so are we and as you say sleep trumps sex.

As long as youre both happy with the amount of sex, it doesnt matter whats normal for other people.
However, its not necessarily true that the sex life reduces after having kids. I think the only times DH were in the same country and didnt have sex 2-3x a week, was the 6 weeks after giving birth.
We have 2 kids (3.5 and 5 years). We always find the time and opportunity somehow. I think if you really want to do it, then its definitely possible. Also, for us it doesnt have to take up hours each time. When we dtd 3x then chances are that once or even twice is a quickie.
Its still important to us because it makes us feel connected and valued. You can obviously achieve that with other activities as well, it just comes down to what you and your partner both want.

I have a four year old, I don’t live with my boyfriend but we’ve managed three times so far this week.

A couple can have sex everyday, once a werk, once a month etc. But that’s largely irrelevant, what matters is whether or not both people in the relationship are happy with the frequency.

Op and Dusty, yes that was my take on things too. Eldest dc roaming around until late at night and a toddler in the mix. This has normalised things for me and made me see that it isn't all that unusual (low frequency).

@ShirleyPhallus go on then, who do you think is lying? Can you not imagine that different couples have different sex lives?