Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

Now is not the time to crumble OP. Put on some uplifting music. Open the windows for a blast of fresh air. Go for a quick walk. Then write down a plan for the week. One chore a day. Not too many at once. Keep the music on whilst you roll up your sleeves. The house has got to be the first starting point. A useful approach to decluttering is the Marie Kondo method. Declutter by category rather than room. So if you start with clothes, you round up all the tops that you have or all the shoes. It's only once you have them all laid out in front of you at once that you can see what you actually need to keep. There is also an order. I know that you start with clothes. Sentimental items come last. So, as you go along, if you come across photos/trinkets etc, you simply chuck them into a box to be dealt with later. That way you don't become distracted. The more that you do it, the easier it becomes as it helps break old habits. If mould is a problem in your flat you need to get some plastic storage boxes. And also some bin bags. Decide on keep, recycle, charity shop. Also, it may help to say which city you are in as there may be Mumsnetters close to you that can help.

Op I would recommend putting in a formal complaint that just says that you feel training is needed re autism and asking if they could put it in place. You don't have to bring everything else into it, but you need the basic communication there. This is what happened in my authority and it didn't cause any problems it just made some departments work together to fulfil their requirements under the equality act.

@prawnsword isn't being abusive, OP. They're simply pointing out some home truths. If you don't want to hear the truth, then don't post a thread online with an antagonising title and spend most of the thread slagging social workers (and helpful users) off.

You're incredibly hard work and you've had enough time to sort the flat out and you've done "a few things" which equates to very little, in my opinion. For example- have you painted the girls room yet and decorated it? You can get cheap tubs of white emulsion from bargain shops, same with decals. No reason why you haven't done this by now, to be honest.

You either want your girls back or not. Autism aside, you need to get it together if you want them back. If it's too much hassle then admit it and allow your girls to be adopted into a loving family. Years in foster care waiting for you to step up is only going to harm them. You've said multiple times you think they arent being looked after properly- so why on earth are you still doing nothing?! If my child was removed from me and I felt she was being neglected, youd be damn sure I'd be working around the clock to get them back. Not arguing with randoms online.

Strange ... op doesn't come across as hard work to me. Just stressed and very negative about the situation .... which is very understandable.
Also seems strange to me that social workers don't have at least a basic knowledge of asd and communication. It's not exactly a rare condition.
I don't have any expertise to offer you advice op, only

This is a public forum and AIBU which is arguably tougher than had this been posted in another section. I am allowed to state my opinion & feel the SW bashing on this thread has kept me here giving opinions. I don’t care if OP replies to me. I can see her combative nature & shutting down on people who tell her things she doesn’t want to hear will have been experienced by the SWs too & I suspect part of her problem - any issues they have are taken as criticisms & shutting down when social workers have valid criticisms & complaints.

yes 2 of my earlier posts were flagged & removed but None of my others here have been.

I think this whole thread should be deleted IMO as it is not helping the OP to get her kids back, but only reinforcing the narrative that SWs are mean & evil for taking her babies away.

Children are not removed from care for no reason & I do believe there is some hoarding issue. Whether a parent is neurotypical or not, unfortunately it comes down to the children’s well-being. I feel the autism issue is overshadowing the basic fact that the authorities felt the home environment was not safe for kids. I don’t think we should allow Children to live in sub-standard conditions in order to be sensitive to non-neurotypical people. The kids do have to come first.

This is exactly the sort of nonsense that causes me distress. Judgemental and patronising replies. I really hope it makes you feel so big, constantly belittling me.

I have also noticed the combative nature/deflecting/giving scant details are specific about the state of the home. In particular the kitchen which OP flagged as being one of the SW’s main concerns early in the thread.

You are talking about painting & wall decals but originally the kitchen was one of the main problems. I think this problem is a lot more than a coat of paint & some wall art. OP keeps insisting it’s temp accomodation so that’s why the house is not up to par, but has been there for a year (?) so plenty of time to make a house cosy & safe for kids.

OP refuses to say what “small changes” have been made. If your kids were unjustly removed would you come back on a thread to say “yeah made a few changes” but not say what they were - or would you be making huge efforts to get them back & sharing what improvements you’ve made ? Wouldn’t you get the cleaning company in for a quote as was recommended by a number of us to do, so we could get a realistic idea of what the housing issues are ?

I am staying around till this thread is removed as AIBU is a free forum & feel my opinion is valid. Everyone who works in social work has said there is no way the OP was not given a detailed list of what the concerns are, but still won’t share.

As I said, this thread is just to bash SWs in my opinion & not helping Op get her kids back at all. I think this thread should be reported & removed.

The fact you deflect & say my post is nonsense shows how combative & frustrating the OP must be for the social workers to deal with.

Am sticking around with interest, have found the comments from people who do work in that sector informative.

This thread should not be in AIBU section if people are not allowed to give their honest opinions !

Strange ... op doesn't come across as hard work to me. Just stressed and very negative about the situation .... which is very understandable.

Same to me but I have an sutistic brother so I might be more used to interpreting autostic people.

Havent read the whole thread, but have you tried the family rights group? They can help with an advocate. It sounds like you need one.

@tashac89 Yes, I have.

It’s obviously very very difficult to understand what’s going on here, but I think later posters really need to be realistic as to the impact a painted room or decluttered flat is going to make at this point. Obviously these are things that need to be done, and part of a normal productive life, but the children have been taken. SS will surely be expecting a lot more by this point and I agree with earlier posters that the only thing that can help is an advocate and clear guidance from SS on what they want to see and what their next steps are

Bmy opinions are vile to those who are bashing social workers... got it! Still here though. You can’t kick someone off AIBU. Relationships yes.

YABU to say IABU

It is a serious accusation and I think your bullying is really that bad. The fact that you won’t stop makes it worse. You seem unable to take on board legitimate criticism. Ignoring bullying can only go so far, there are young girls killing themselves over comments made online.

It’s not your place to decide where I post. This forum can be a harsh place, due to relentless bullying. You have been the one doing that in this thread.

@prawnsword you really are a bully. Jesus. How would you like it if your children were removed and people told you "I can see why they was removed" you utter arse. You have no idea what social workers can be like. I have evidence that they take away your basic human rights, and paperwork showing they commit perjury. So please hush hen you clearly don't have a clue what its like. Youre a shitty person and you should reflect on that.

I hope or day you see the error of your ways, and that it's not too late by the time you do.

One day*