Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

Sorry, haven’t read the whole thread.
I’m a foster carer with a child with asd.
I agree with previous posters that there has to be good reason for a child to be removed. It has to go through many different people before the final decision is made.
It’s very expensive to place a child in care so they don’t do it lightly.
The pathway to get an autism diagnosis is a long one. It involves reports from speech and language, community paediatricians, occupational therapists, and asd specialist. This should be being started by foster carers if there are any concerns.
You need to ask Ss what their specific concerns are. Bullet points. Get it in writing, email if poss.
Then address each concern.
Don’t let it get wishy washy!
Be specific!
Get a timescale off them.
Do all correspondence in writing.
Never miss or be late for contact.
If you can afford it take children a gift/ clothing.
Get in touch with frg.org.uk/. Sorry if any of this duplicates any previous posts

I find this thread so confusing and I've no idea what went on when, I'm still unsure if the op is in a new home that the daughters did or didn't live in. I'm not being rude but I can see why maybe the SW etc get frustrated.

I’ve been living here for quite a while. It was their home too

Have you tried to contact frg?
They have a freephone number, you may be able to get some good advice

She said that she contacted them (it was a few pages back)

I know of families with prior social service involvement.

In my area at least, they go out of their way to avoid taking children.

And if the horrific stories in the media are anything to go by that is also the case nationwide.

I therefore have my doubts about the OPs version of events.

OP your posts do suggest a degree of confusion on your part. For example, there is no need to change children's bed linen daily (unless soiled). You refer to being in a refuge and moving, and a degree of chaos yet you claim your DC had a strict and rigid routine. You had a second child when there were already concerns about your ability to cope with your first. Cooking food to take to your children at the contact centre is unwise given that you say it is a long journey, as you are risking food poisoning if the food is being kept warm. It seems that your perception of the world differs from others. Your persistent arguing with posters on this thread comes across as both defensiveness and to some extent deviousness - I suspect this is why professionals find you difficult to work with. Your stance suggests that because of your autism you want others to see things on your terms, and that is never going to happen. I don't think writing lengthy posts on here is going to help you, though if you felt able to accept some of the specific advice from those involved in the field of social care then that might. The impression I get from your posts is that you would rather reflect on being misunderstood and treated poorly by professionals than look at the possibility of your own limitations and try to overcome them. This impression may be wrong but you need to try and develop more awareness of how you present to others, especially professionals, and try to adapt your style. The professionals are always going to focus on the children's needs first, and you need to be seen to be doing that.

@SeaOfDespair

I appreciate that you have mould problems, and you need to get on at the council or landlord to try and sort it. Mould is often not caused by leaks though. It is often due to insufficient ventilation. Do you dry your damp washing indoors? Has the bathroom got a decent extractor fan working? Have you got the heating on enough? Can you afford to invest in a dehumidifier? Whilst you must keep on at your landlord, that doesn't mean that you can't also help yourself. You can clean the mould off with a damp cloth and a little Dettol spray. You should do this daily. Also wipe off any condensation with a towel. If you are drying laundry on radiators etc, is there a launderette close by with tumble dryers? Could you steam veg in the microwave rather than boil it in pans on the hob. Can you buy some mould resistant paint and decorate (yes it may well come back, but you need to keep it at bay as much as possible). Don't have anything (furniture/toys etc) touching the walls as this will make it worse. You can still redecorate and put up stickers.at least you will appear to be proactive, rather than just waiting for the landlord to fix it. You can also post on local forums and Freecycle and ask for donations of paint/bedding etc.

You have had a lot of advice on this site. I do think now that you need to come back with a plan of action. List what changes you can make and decide upon priorities. Let others then critique the list. Be as specific as possible, including time frames.

SeaofDespair
Thank you for clearing that up wrt the GP and signing up.

Did you ever take your older DD to a GP either at your old address or at the current address?

She’s 3 now, the complaint was filed over 18 months ago. Why would you be concerned with autism in a child who’s less than 2?!

• Can I ask when you yourself first became concerned about possible autism in your older DD?

they started talking about my elder daughter’s developmental delay. I asked them if they’re blaming me for that. They simply didn’t answer the question. I made it clear that I’ve absolutely pushed and pushed to get a referral to a paediatrician. I’ve pushed hard. I’ve taken her to speech therapy. I’ve taken her to have her hearing tested

• When did you first become aware of your DD's developmental delay and how did you become aware of it?

• From the time you first became aware of your DD's developmental delay, what steps did you take to try to get her diagnosed and on a path to proper support, and what does the timeline for the effort to get a diagnosis and support look like?

• How old was DD, and what stage of the SS proceedings were you at when you first started to feel concern for your DD?

Well it doesn't but I doubt all responses help the Op.

@Whyhaveidonethis

That should not have happened. Can I ask if you were referred to a domesticabuse support service?

The system doesn't always work the way it should and it breaks my heart. Serious and chronic underfunding is part of the reason things aren't working as well as staffing levels. I think there should be more people doing my job with the knowledge and training I have but it's not considered an important enough role. We're just "charity workers". As someone who wanted help you should have had it.

THE THRESHOLD FOR REMOVAL IS NOT HIGH. I'm sick to my back teeth of heating that.

If they suspect an issue. They can get a removal at the first hearing until proven otherwise. If it's future emotional harm for instance, how on earth can you prove something THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED.

A social workers word IS ALWAYS seen as more 'truthful' than a parent's. Because they have the degrees. When actually, alot of them don't even have children.

The whole system needs to be reformed and people shouldn't be so quick to blame the parent. There are plenty of corrupt social workers around. I had a social worker breach my human rights and the LAC reviewer was mortified. This happened for 3 weeks straight, and the next social worker also lie to a judge because they didn't adhere to his terms.

Cut the OP some slack. You are not her, nor are you the social worker. A lot of you havent a clue what care proceedings can be like.

[Flowers] to you OP.i hope you get your children back soon

childprotectionresource.online/common-concerns-we-hear-from-parents/

This is really worth reading

The threshold for removal has come down.

listening to womans hour on radio 4 this morning and the mother who's child with autism (but hadnt been diagnosed, so presumably high functioning) was sectioned and hospitalised at 14 and 9 years later still there, alot because of a misunderstanding of autism.
Many people who think that a diagnosis of autism alone means that you are unfit to be a mother, so you are under suspicion already.
As someone with autism myself Ive been able to follow and understand what the OP has said all the way through this thread and am struggling with why others are struggling
It just shows that we do not communicate in the same way at all.
So yes, I believe the OP.

The threshold for removal has come down Indeed.
Whilst I agree with DC getting the chance to live with adoptive parents rather than years in foster care.
I believe some cases will be looked on like the Catholic baby sellers of the past.
I know people think SS give you lots of room for improvement though they continually move goalposts, sometimes parents are to exhausted to fight but are still the best option with the right for the Child.

www.communitycare.co.uk/2018/10/19/hazily-defined-and-a-culture-of-risk-how-can-social-workers-properly-approach-risks-of-future-emotional-harm/

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/sep/14/number-of-children-in-care-for-emotional-abuse-soars
A social worker in a particular case on she kept repeating the DM puts her needs before the child, when she was repeatedly asked to explain this. Her answer was the DM put on her coat before she put the DC coat on during the visitation.
On dispatch investigates.

The threshold needs to come down some more and should be based on each individual case. How is it fair that on the first hearing, a child can be removed from their parents over pure speculation, which then is proven to be a load of bollocks anyway. Putting both the child and parent through emotional distress. It's disgusting.

I work in this area. Trust me the threshold for removal is shockingly high. I've had families with ss involvement for sustained neglect suspected NAI and emotional abuse for 13 years...school nursery health all massively concerned and this was not even taken to PLO
Also families with sustained DV over many years with parents getting back together constantly and that went nowhere and SS dropped it. Also parents with drug/alcohol addictions again cases were closed. SS can not and do not just take kids off parents as a first line

@SavanahXx I expect you are also unable to see/admit the full story hence why you are blaming social workers and accusing them of all sorts. Also why do they need to have children to see children are being harmed?

It must be certain areas then, as removal of DC has increased by 164% since 2008 on the grounds of emotional abuse in the UK.
Exposure please don't take my child. The first case is horrific so skip the first few minutes.