Aibu to think that my kids aren’t coming back?

[SeaOfDespair]

I had my girls removed last month and it’s been a very traumatic experience. My family are so far away, my friends have dwindled away and I’m stuck looking at these 4 walls.

I’m seeing a private child psychologist and doing some work with him. He understands how harsh the system can be. I’m doing 2 different parenting courses online. I’m paying for all of this myself and has been a bit of a struggle recently.

My solicitor just tells me to go along with whatever they want. I’ve ticked one thing off the list, but they’re not forthcoming with starting their own assessments. Social worker is either sick, or can’t be bothered.

My youngest has arrived to contact with bruising to her face 4 times. She is cruising, but never managed to be bruised within my care. My elder one seems sort of happy, but is having a lot of tantrums and isn’t able to communicate with me.

From them wanting to keep them at home on an order, their original intentions until the court hearing, to pretending I don’t exist. They didn’t even turn up to the meeting last week. No apology given. No notification of cancellation.

From a case of closing ranks to keeping the case open, it never did surprise me that they applied for a court order. My social worker’s reasoning? I don’t agree with their concerns, so there needs to be a care order.

Am I being unreasonable to think I don’t stand a chance in hell of getting them back, if they’re not willing to even bother working with me?

Ok @Chattybum I'll just drop it now, it's clear you have no idea at what I am getting at and I don't know how else to explain it to you.

@rvby I think your post was honest and helpful. I’d be surprised if mumsnet actually delete comments like that. The OP has said that her Aspergers is a barrier to communication with the various agencies.

There are always people like @williewonkaswangaa who like to overreact to comments. All you have done is reiterate and understand what the OP has already said. Communication is a massive issue here, and is making things difficult for everyone

@HungryAgain2019 It's a good example of a circular conversation, eh?

SeaOfDespair

You do have to agree with their concerns to move on. Your DC are in care. You cannot agree to disagree in this situation. If you cannot see this you are unlikely to have them returned or have any relationship going forward.

If you can get some support working towards a change in your own mindset it would help you I think.

I'm not sure where you live, but there aren't that many courses that are specific to child psychology. The adult learning centres tend to offer arts & crafts, gardening and languages. I know one offers yoga, but I'm not sure a flexible body will help in meetings.

This is all you need, seriously, when it comes to child development and attachment theory:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_development_stages

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

You yourself need MH support.
You had an abusive childhood and were homeless. You were effectively parentless.
You suffered the loss of a baby.
There have been conditions in your life since having DD1 that have not been satisfactory, according to SS.
Now both of your children have been removed.

You need someone to talk to about all that loss, the stress, and about the abuse you yourself suffered.

Please stop wasting money on the child psychologist and spend it where it will do some good.

@Derbee I'm glad williewonka is being supportive, because she is calling out someone who has made 2 entirely abusive comments (not rvby).

@SeaOfDespair perhaps, but its not helpful for them to be overreacting to helpful advice on your behalf. @rvbys posts have been helpful, honest and sympathetic

It is a great example, yes @SeaOfDespair!

*Derbee Fri 15-Nov-19 00:37:06
@rvby I think your post was honest and helpful. I’d be surprised if mumsnet actually delete comments like that. The OP has said that her Aspergers is a barrier to communication with the various agencies.

There are always people like @williewonkaswangaa who like to overreact to comments. All you have done is reiterate and understand what the OP has already said. Communication is a massive issue here, and is making things difficult for everyone*

Overreact? This mam is fighting for her children - Debeeee - I'll over react every single day against idiots like you - sheesh

I'm referring to prawny's posts, which haven't been helpful and she does constantly goad, which is why I've asked her not to reply. I don't mind people disagreeing, but abusive posts cross the line. I haven't been abusive towards anyone.

@williewonka of course she should be fighting for her children. But you shouting “disablist bollocks” on the same forum as saying

OP, the only advice I can give you, especially because you are on the autistic spectrum, is to agree to anything they ask to you do even if you think it's unreasonable

Makes you look a bit silly and a bit of a hypocrite

@williewonkaswangaa thanks for your support re: prawny

@Derbee but isn't that what I've got to do?

So you can point out her ASD but God forbid @rvby or anyone else does? And I’m the idiot? 🙄

@SeaOfDespair but why is it disablist bollocks when rvby mentions your issues regarding autism, but not when williewonka mentions it? It’s hypocritical.

ALL PPs who have said that you need to agree with and engage with SS are correct. Someone mentioning that you are facing bigger hurdles in your communication than others, due to your Aspergers (which you have already said is an Sue in communication) isn’t something that needs to be reported to mumsnet as abusive.

I didn't mention anything about rvby, I was talking about prawny, who was actually abusive.

I know you didn’t. Williewonka did, and it was unnecessary and incorrect

williewonka
There is clearly a massive breakdown in communication between the OP and the SW. That has to be acknowledged and addressed if she wants to get her DC back. It’s not about who is right or wrong; it’s about finding a way for the OP to navigate through a situation that would leave an NT person bewildered and terrified.
The OP’s ASD is relevant because it makes her more likely to say what she thinks rather than play the game. She may not be picking up the sub-text effectively. The SW should be trained to communicate effectively with all stakeholders but I am not convinced they are. The SW may have preconceived ideas about parents with ASD which may be wrong.
That is why so many of us are suggesting the OP has an advocate to bridge any communication gaps and to watch for lazy assumptions.

1. I've not mentioned a homeless shelter being against me
2. One of the health visitors said that she didn't feel I did anything wrong, another didn't have any parenting concerns, it was the 'situation'.
3. The solicitors weren't against me... ???
4. The housing officers weren't against me either, they have limited resources.

If you have the answers, why don't you share them? If you can magic up a suitable property, I'll take it. Also, do you have any evidence of abuse?

Ignore prawnsword. They put a vile, spiteful comment on a thread about my sick child the other day and I've noticed them goading and sticking the boot in on many other threads. People have been banned for much less, I'm not quite sure why Mumsnet are being so lenient.

*Derbee Fri 15-Nov-19 00:46:41
@williewonkaswaEngaa

eh? The whole point is that this is a single parent who has admittedly messed up (in no way big time) and has autism. She's admitted her short comings but naturally aggrieved at what she feels is unfair. She's done her best the right the wrongs.

I absolutely admire her. I despise those who criticise someone who's doing their best to change - so cringy at those who think they're superior - if only they knew how ridiculed they are with no respect x

@bigflowerdog yeah, I think some people use the internet as a way to make themselves feel big, by being abusive to others. Keyboard warriors.

Op I have a couple of horror story ss tales so cant and won't discount your story but you do just need to cow down and do what they think you need to do. Do more listening and less arguing. I really hope it all works out for you.