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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby at 40? OK. School run at 50?

260 replies

Shybairns · 13/11/2019 20:14

Hi, I am hoping to hear from those who have had another child at 40. I have a 10 and 12 year old. I am with a new partner who hasn't had children of his own and would love one.

I know I will be crazy tired when the proposed child is young. But I am more worried about how I will feel when I am still schlepping to the school gates at 50 etc.

Anyone in this situation? Any honest reflections?

TIA x

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 14/11/2019 07:34

@dirtyrottenscoundrel:

  1. the menopause is in full swing causing mood swings, anxiety, sleepless nights, hot flushes etc 2). At 55 we are feeling considerably more tired than at 44; this is fine, but the strain of a stroppy teen does not help

I would very much prefer not to be living my life with teens plus an extra baby as well. Taking them out, picking them up late, dealing with their risky behaviour etc etc. For me it is much much harder than when they were under 10.

Toomboom · 14/11/2019 07:36

I had my 4th child when I was 42. My eldest at the time were all in their 20's. It was lovely to have an "only" child. It was tiring, but probably no more than it was when the elder 3 were small. School runs were never an issue. Parents, and children, just accepted me has mum.

Best thing I ever did was having this last child :)

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 14/11/2019 07:39

Fleetheart

Really depends on the teen.
I’m almost 57 with a 19 year old. He’s been an absolute delight, no issues whatsoever.
My dd ( who was 15 when I was 40......different story. )

AnnaNimmity · 14/11/2019 07:43

I don't think 40 is too old to have a child - I have lots of energy - it's not that.

But I think you do have to consider what it will be like having a teenager in 15 years time. It's not the energy, but they do require a lot of time, and attention, and they can cause worry. And they're expensive. I am dealing with 3 teenagers at the moment in my 40s. I'll have 2 more in my 50s. It's fine, but it's time and energy and money consuming. And mine have been all right - they haven't been in trouble with the police, drugs, eating disorders, or academically. they haven't been bullied.

We tend to think of the baby and toddler years as the hard ones. I think not!

Fleetheart · 14/11/2019 07:45

Yes of course @dirtyrottenscoundrel; my point is really that it isn’t just about coping with the school run at 50; for me that would be the least of my worrieS 😅

imip · 14/11/2019 07:46

Surely it’s horses for courses? Nothing to get so worked up about? To the extent that some who had children earlier are looking forward to retirement and travelling younger (and have the energy to enjoy retirement), surely older parents must have the same energy, well, to be parents!

Each side will have its opposite argument. We paid a private pension while dc were young, we effectively own our house. Being parents in our mid to late 30s (actually she is younger than me by 3 years), we had worked hard to get where we were financially.

And, years of infertility and a stillbirth, well, we may have been parents a few years before, but we don’t all meet our partner at 20 and get married and have dc. Our life stories are different. I can’t get too worked up about it, but what might be considered an advantage (travelling in your 50s), the other person could have been travelling in their 20s and 30s (I did).

Vulpine · 14/11/2019 07:51

How energetic you are at any age depends on various factors not just age. I've always had loads of energy that has not dimmed as i get older but then i keep fit and healthy

Straycatstrut · 14/11/2019 07:59

Course not! I'm doing it the other way round, had mine at 24 and 28 and am now starting my degree/career at 32. Childcare option wasn't affordable to us when boys were babies. Ex earned just enough so we didn't qualify for any free, but couldn't afford any ourselves, unless I worked just to pay for it which seemed ridiculous at the time -- I can now totally see why mums do it.

Lovely mum on my school run in her 50's with a 7 year old, she's one of my faves Grin.

Shock I always thought TIA was the actual name "Tia" which I'm surprised isn't more popular actually it's really nice!

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 14/11/2019 08:01

Fleetheart well yes! Grin

Valcat · 14/11/2019 08:08

The only thing that would bother me would be my age compared to my child. For example I was raised by my nan and she is now 72 and I am 23. She is basically my mum. I am very aware of her getting old and dying, but if my mum was around then at least I would still have my mum who is only early 50s. I'm not ready for my "mum" to leave. I think the earlier you have them the longer they have with you, the more you are able to do with them and your grandchildren as you age... My grandmother is lucky that she managed to meet her great granddaughter already, as I had her when I was 20. She said she is sort of glad I didn't wait until I was older as then my nan would probably be nearly 80 and not able to do the things she did with DD.

I can't imagine being in my 20s and my mum being neay 70. It would make it seem like our time was cut short.

Valcat · 14/11/2019 08:20

I do remember thinking my friend was so lucky as her mum had her when she was 17, so in primary school she had this pretty cool young mum when compared to the older ones, idk why as a kid the younger the mum the cooler I thought they'd be! There were things I would say to my mum that I'd never say to my nan, because of coming from different generations.

Mjlp · 14/11/2019 08:30

I'm 42 and pregnant. My youngest child is 2 and my eldest will be 16 when this one is born. It's lovely having big ones and little ones. Plus there are lots of older parents around now, so you won't look out of place doing the school run at all.

afternoonspray · 14/11/2019 08:35

It's so normal these days. About a quarter of the mums at our DC's school were about 40 when they had their first! You won't be that knackered.

Mjlp · 14/11/2019 08:36

... I also have 3 other children in between. It is quite tiring but I'm not sure if that's because I'm older or because I have a lot of kids lol. The big ones like helping out with the little ones so it's like having babysitters on tap, which is helpful

Damntheman · 14/11/2019 08:45

My mum was 41 when my youngest sibling was born and she's done a stellar job! Go for it if you would like to, it's not that uncommon anymore to be a mum at that age :)

IamHyouweegobshite · 14/11/2019 08:55

I had my dd3 at 36, and physically felt that I wouldn't be able to have another baby. My youngest is now 10, has asd, and I'm permanently exhausted. My dh is 10 years older, he's knackered all the time, his tolerance levels with our eldest ds 15, is not good. Personally I would not be able to have another child.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/11/2019 09:00

Had Ds at just short of 41.

Certainly wasn’t the youngest mum doing the school run and certainly not the eldest.

Very average age in my area

Beesandcheese · 14/11/2019 09:06

I am 44 doing school runs again (still rather as, I had my eldest at 30). To be honest I am an oddity at the nursery waiting time. As neither granny nor mummy age (at least that's what one of the delightful mums pointed out). But I find it fine. I might feel differently in 6-10 years but I certainly won't be the oldest! Loads of grandparents seem lumbered with that in this area.

Beesandcheese · 14/11/2019 09:08

Also fwiw there are of course lots of mums my age around and that was just the opinion of a very inexperienced one, but very few on the nursery run (I am guessing they work).

shiveringtimber · 14/11/2019 09:16

I just turned 57 and am a single mum to two teens, both with SN. It's very tiring and demanding; I haven't been able to work since DS was born,16 years ago. Divorce agreement stipulated that XH would support us financially but he stopped completely in April. My parents are now supporting us until judge reaches a decision. I love my children more than life itself but with hindsight, I certainly wish I could have had them 10 years earlier.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/11/2019 09:24

I had a baby at 42, I’m now 50 and doing school runs! It’s fine! I’m also a single mum now as ex-h decided a baby wasn’t what he wanted after all and left for somebody else and DS has ASD. It’s challenging but I don’t find it any more tiring than when I had DD in my 20’s. Maturity has also brought a lot more patience and I love being an older mum!

Lostintransfixation · 14/11/2019 09:29

I had dc3 at 40. It was great. The other dcs were fully independent in basic self care and were at school. So I could completely focus on LO during school hours. There are lots of mums my age but more who are younger, of course. My youngest dd has a small group of friends and their mums just happen to be the much younger ones. (20s and early 30s). Although we all get on well, I don't tend to be included when they socialise, which is fine. The only downside has been my dd then doesnt get included as much as a result. It's not intentional, just the way it is. She could easily have formed a group with other children and mums my age (I tried this but it didnt work out). Overall though it's been great.

Emlou07 · 14/11/2019 09:32

I'm 25 and I have children in Rwception and year 1 and I'M the odd one out at the school. I'm the youngest. Most are late thirties to late 40's. I wouldn't worry!

AlphaBravoCharlieDelta · 14/11/2019 09:32

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stephi81 · 14/11/2019 09:37

Not quite the same but my daughter was nearly 10 when I had my second at 36. My husband is not her dad and didn't have any kids of his own so was keen to have children. I'm now a week off having our second baby (together) so will have a 12 year old and 2 year old as well as the new baby. It's looking like baby will be born on my 38th birthday. Absolutely no regrets at all. Yes there is a big age gap between my eldest and my 2 year old - but my god my eldest loves her little brother SO MUCH, and she is such a help to me also. I have no doubts she'll be the same with the new little one. Yes it does bring some unique issues in that I am having to navigate senior school homework / friendship issues, etc - at the same time as potty training and toddler tantrums, but I wouldn't change anything. You just make things work. I've also joked with hubby that we will be the oldest parents in the playground but like some others have said - actually there are plenty of 'older' parents in the primary school playground now. I do sometimes wish I had had all of mine in my early 30's but that's just so that I would have longer with them and I could have possibly progressed a bit further in work than I currently have - but hey ho that's not what happened and I am very happy with my little family. I say go for it!