Baby at 40? OK. School run at 50?

[Shybairns]

Hi, I am hoping to hear from those who have had another child at 40. I have a 10 and 12 year old. I am with a new partner who hasn't had children of his own and would love one.

I know I will be crazy tired when the proposed child is young. But I am more worried about how I will feel when I am still schlepping to the school gates at 50 etc.

Anyone in this situation? Any honest reflections?

TIA x

Horses for courses and all that, but I really wouldn’t want to still have primary school DC at 50 if I could help it especially as I already have 2 DC (I understand that some people end up having them later for reasons outside their control such as fertility issues etc). Mine will be in their early 20’s when I’m 50, and depending on their chosen education/career route will have either graduated uni or be working so we will be able to start putting more money away for retirement and have a few quiet years to enjoy together before potential grandchildren start arriving, and then we will hopefully be young enough and still in good general health to be able to enjoy them and get involved.

Rubyroost

we are not hitting it off very well are we?

I have experience too. I I have also been a teen, had teen siblings. Children now AC and 2 teen DGC.

Just giving you a heads up. oh but you are a teacher that explains it.....

please forget i said anything. It's not a big deal.

I was 35 when my youngest was born (my personal top limit, due to my mum dying in her early 50s). There is a 12 year gap between DD and her older brother.

Their relationship has been beautiful to watch - they don’t compete because they are at different life stages, but they still bicker (in a very comedic fashion) because they are siblings! She cried and cried when he left for uni.

A big age gap has been wonderful for us and I would definitely recommend it - do make any decisions with the whole family in mind though. My pregnancy was tough for my son to adjust to, but the reality of his sister was much better than he had feared.

Rubyroost
I should have said that I have said nothing I haven't said In real life.I think I hit a sensitive spot but please lets drop it I have no prejudice, why would I ? I have DGC's .
the teens thing is a shared experience among mums and grandmums and dads I know.......

I think it is a taste of what will come your way

goldfinchfran, not true I didn't experience any of this with my 3. So I guess different horses for different courses.

And they all still live at home and love nothing more that spending time with us in and out of the home. 1 DS and 2 DD's

🙄
You older mothers! Lovely wording. You younger mothers, I can do the same back and be just as prejudice in return. Really, age doesn't mean anything what matters is being good parents. Why be decisive, by saying you older mothers when actually older and younger mothers share a lot in common.

Divisive. No nerve hit actually. I don't have a problem with being an older mother, in fact I'm proud to be. I just thought your tone was off.

You weren't giving heads up though, your post insinuated that older parents couldn't deal with teens. Why you have this attitude god only knows

Me and DH had ours before 30, and they have left now - left for uni at 18 and never returned, but only live 20 miles away.

We are mortgage free with good pension plans, and decent savings, and can retire and 55. (Around 5 years time.)

If we had had another kid or 2 in our 40s (when our other kids were young teens,) the 'new' one(s) would only be primary school age, and we would probably be a lot less well off, and unable to retire until 66-67.

I couldn't think of anything worse to be honest.

Love our kids to bits, but been there, done that, and have been exploring pastures new over this past 4 or 5 years, and busy looking for a world cruise next year, and looking to buy our first ever brand new car in March 2020. (a 20 plate obvs,) which we will be paying for outright.

And as I said, we are mortgage free (for 4-5 years now,) and are retiring at 55.

Could never do this if we'd had babies in our 40s.

And as a few posters have said, it's all very well saying 'I am fit and healthy at 42-43 and can outrun my 22 year old colleagues at work' and so on...' As someone said, MOST people (in their early to mid 40s,) are fit and healthy and feel youthful.'

However, 10 years down the line, you'll be in your early to mid 50s with a junior-school aged child, and all the shit that goes with that; lots of responsibility and expense and hard work.. And this is the age when you start to feel shagged, tired, weary, wanting to nap more, menopausal, and often having to deal with elderly parents... All this with a junior school age kid.

Then by your LATE 50s, they'll be at senior school, and you'll have school politics/exams/A levels, all the expense of uniforms, school trips, all the study materials etc, in your late 50s! And in your 60s you will have to contend with putting them through uni... And all the faff and expense there!!!

At the point in your life when you would prefer to be retiring and having long lie-ins, evenings out at the pub, socialising/hobby groups, and booking long cruises and holidays with your partner (or friends,) you won't be able to, coz you'll be having to work til you're 70. And you will have shag-all to show for it.

I wouldn't do it. No way. AND, as a few people have said @Shybairns why are you doing this because your new boyfriend wants a baby? What if he leaves you, and you have your 2 to deal with, and another one under your feet til you're in your 60s... at LEAST.

DON'T DO IT!

I know a few people will take offence at my post, but I am merely posting my views and opinions. And like everyone else, I am entitled to them.. If you already have kids (and had them before you were 30 say,) I cannot see the point of having more in your 40s to be honest; and I really cannot understand why people do!

I had ds at 40. He's now 7. Yes there are some young parents but also plenty in their 40's. It's great but then dm had me at 34 and dsis at 39 in the 70's so I'm used to having older parents. Btw dm is 82 still does yoga & a couple of 3 mile walks each week with an organised group and picks ds up 2 afternoons a week from school. They both love it xx

I’d say no. I had my last baby at 36. Even that was a struggle compared to 32 and 29.

I had my DCs at 36, 39 and 43. Now 45 with a nearly 2 year old, reception child and a year 3. I do sometimes go to reception drop off and think that I have all this to do over again at age nearly 50, and the thought makes me feel a bit exhausted, but on the whole it doesn't bother me, and I am so glad I had him. In a way it keeps me young to have young kids- my best friend is 10 years younger than me, but her kids are hte same age, and weirdly because of that, I feel like we are at the same life stage and therefore 'age' too, which is ridiculous, but she says she feels the same and forgets often that I am much older. In our area though it's very very normal to be an older mum and I know people who had a first kid at 45 and no one bats an eyelid.

Different scenario, but I've foster children who arrived with us nearly eight years ago when I was 48 (I'm now approaching 56). I've only recently stopped doing the school run because the youngest is now at high school. The other mums have been great and always invite me out with them. However, most of the mums tend to be in their late 30s or early 40s. I do feel very old in comparison. It's exhausting but I love the children dearly and wouldn't have it any other way!

I had my youngest at 39 and I am 53 now. I have got loads of friends who are around the same age with similarly aged children. I have certainly never felt unusual or seen it as a problem. The last year has been tough because I have been ill (nothing age related!) but my teenage/young adult children have been a huge support to me rather than any kind of burden. No teenage nightmares have occurred yet, though I do have a few years left so I suppose I shouldn't count my chickens yet. But it has all been good so far and my youngest is the most laid back of all my children so hopefully wont undergo any hideous personality
change in the next few years. GCSEs, A levels and degrees have come and gone uneventfully up til now thankfully. Obviously we have the odd falling out or school issue etc as no family is perfect but I am definitely enjoying parenting my children as teenagers more than any stage so far.
OP, I wouldn't let your age alone put you off if you actually want another baby, but as others have said, it does sound a bit more like it is your partner who wants one rather than you. It is perfectly doable if it is what you want, but don't be pressured if it isn't.

There's a lady with twins at my baby group and she is in her mid forties. She definitely looks very tired but it depends on the mum, my sister was over 40 when she had her last and she is still full of energy even now her child is a teen. There are definitely a few mums in the group who are in their very late 30s/40s.

**Littlehappyhippo your post made me laugh. All the things you are planning to do now your children have grown up, I did before I had my DD. So now as an older mum I don’t feel any longing for a new car, world travel, etc... as I’ve already experienced it. My finances are ok too as i worked FT for 25+ years before DD arrived.

Interesting a lot of these babies born to older mums are from a second marriage where the father has no previous children.

I'm 44 and my children are 24 and almost 26. I could never start all over again now! It looks like you are weighing it up properly though. There are lots of women just starting a family at 40. I guess it depends on whether you think you can cope with getting up in the night again etc.

My third DC was born when I was 39. At least a third of the parents are older than me and I have loved the last 18 years and never felt too old. Babyhood is more tiring when you are older ; that's all.

If you are fit and want another baby then why not, I suppose, you definitely aren’t old. As long as it’s what you want and you aren’t wanting another baby to please your childless partner. Good luck with whatever you decide.

A lot of mums at the school gates where we live are at or even past 50. I am the youngest of my school mum friends at 35 (reception age kids); many at the nursery gates now are solidly into their mid-40s, so they’ll be pushing 60 by graduation time. I think it’s quite common these days to have children in late 30s and early/mid 40s, so in that sense you will be very normal!

Energy would be the more valid concern I expect. I have a friend with kids over a large age spread and she reckons she is way more tired now with her youngest than she was with her oldest who she had in her late 20s. Something to consider.

When I was 40 I had a 12 year old and a 10 year old and had got married to my second husband. He did already have a DS though.

Part of me would have liked to have had a child with him. Other parts of me feel very thinly spread at 44 with 16 and 14 year old DC with their activities and needs and I am glad I don’t have a small child as well.

I think starting to have children in your 40s gives a different situation from already having some and adding to it.

I’m in my twenties a find it a bit of a drag - as I do most errands/commutes/that type of thing. I’m not sure how else you are supposed to feel about it.

Why would a 55 year old find it harder to parent a teen than a 45 year old?
Anyone over 21 is ancient to a 15 year old so it really doesn’t matter.
Even a 35 year old is completely out of touch with teen culture, so I really don’t get the argument about older mums and teens.
If anything I’d say it’s easier! More life experience & all that.

DH was 55 when DD was born - he wasn't the oldest at antenatal classes and neither is he the oldest doing nursery pick ups, although sometimes it's hard to tell if they're grandparents or parents! I'm expecting the same for the school run judging by the range of ages we've seen at primary school open days. People have kids much later these days.