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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby at 40? OK. School run at 50?

260 replies

Shybairns · 13/11/2019 20:14

Hi, I am hoping to hear from those who have had another child at 40. I have a 10 and 12 year old. I am with a new partner who hasn't had children of his own and would love one.

I know I will be crazy tired when the proposed child is young. But I am more worried about how I will feel when I am still schlepping to the school gates at 50 etc.

Anyone in this situation? Any honest reflections?

TIA x

OP posts:
justasking111 · 13/11/2019 22:38

I was fine with it, OH becoming a dad for the third time at 50 not so much, he has become a Victor Meldrew on speed now, which meant DS teenage years were a bit fraught because of his grumpiness. Thankfully DS now at uni. so dodges the bullets. That is something to think about.

LotteLupin · 13/11/2019 22:41

It's perfectly fine. Why are you expecting to be different when you're 50?! You shouldn't/won't be ...

My god, how many guys have kids when they're 53? Are they worrying about school runs at 63?

LotteLupin · 13/11/2019 22:43

It's lovely still to have a youngish child and years of school ahead when you're 50. What would you rather be doing? Flicking through the Saga holidays?! : )

goldfinchfan · 13/11/2019 22:44

It's when the DC's are teenagers you need to worry about!
I wonder how that will go for you older mums?

I remember my DC's teens as a hell time. If it's a daughter then they want to fight with mum. I didn't expect that.

user1374384 · 13/11/2019 22:47

The majority of mums at my DC's school had them at 40+ so now mid to late 40's and I actually feel ostracised from the social circle for being too young, and I'm not that young!

stophuggingme · 13/11/2019 22:49

Of course 40 isn’t too old to have another baby.

TheBigFatMermaid · 13/11/2019 22:50

I was 39 when I had my youngest.

Luckily school runs stop when they go up to Middle School here, so year 5. I did not do school runs at 50!

INeedMoreCats · 13/11/2019 22:50

I'm 52 and have been going through the menopause since I was 48. I can't take HRT for health reasons. I take some natural remedies which really do help, particularly with night sweats and hot flushes, although not totally - I still wake up in soaking wet bedding from time to time and the hot flushes still happen a few times a week. But I do not feel quite as bad as I used to.

I'll be honest. It's miserable. I barely sleep, I'm constantly tired and find 'brain fog' the hardest thing to deal with as it isn't something I'm used to. I'm a senior manager, a qualified professional, but I find myself having to read documents 2 or 3 times just to take the information in, where a quick skim read would have been enough before.

There is no way I could help with DC homework on top of doing my own job just now. It was hard enough when I wasn't going through this. If you choose to do it, then good for you.

user1374384 · 13/11/2019 22:50

I was fine with it, OH becoming a dad for the third time at 50 not so much, he has become a Victor Meldrew on speed now, which meant DS teenage years were a bit fraught because of his grumpiness. Thankfully DS now at uni. so dodges the bullets. That is something to think about.

This is a good point. My DH is a lot older than me and he IS like Victor Meldrew these days. He was in bed by 8pm tonight after nearly having a breakdown about some toddler chaos. He was fine with just one. Maybe we should have stick to one.

justgivemewine · 13/11/2019 22:56

I had ds3 at 42. Im now 48 and certainly dont feel like I’m the oldie at the school gate. He keeps me feeling young 😃

Shittiestdayinalongtime · 13/11/2019 22:59

I guess it depends in the person. Do you feel old? I know someone who is turning 51, she has 5 kids, including 2 adults. She's fine, and the youngest is 5. But she looks after herself and is fit.

Ragwort · 13/11/2019 23:02

Do you seriously want another child or are you just planning to go along with your partner’s wishes?

I had my first (& only child) at 43, I didn’t feel particularly tired, but I hadn’t got other children; I can’t imagine wanting more children when you’ve already got two pre-teens, and how will having another child affect your existing family dynamics?

Rubyroost · 13/11/2019 23:04

@goldfinchfan... How will the teenage years go for us older mums, probably better than for you. Hmm sometimes you younger mums just don't have the patience or time to discipline your children properly!

The tone of your post BTW is just awful.

RockinHippy · 13/11/2019 23:07

I did it slightly older & it was fine, in fact I was surprised to see that there was a half a dozen of us & several more pretty close in age. Dealing with a teen now & so, so glad that I e git menopause out of the way. I think it could have been far worse if I'd had her a bit younger

MaidenMotherCrone · 13/11/2019 23:09

Menopause + Teenage Years Shock

No thanks!

goldfinchfan · 13/11/2019 23:10

Yeah I should have added the wink emoticon , it wasn't that bad a tone......or is it?

I think it is a taste of what will come your way.Wink
Rubyroost
You think you older mum's have more patience I don't know but I was very relaxed and loving and still had my insides churned. They can turn into little devils and the ones you think will never turn against you can be the worst.

not meaning an awful tone but you haven't lived it yet.

MrsCollinssettled · 13/11/2019 23:10

DC was in Yr1 when I was 50. Didn't have any issues with tiredness, it seems to be the much younger mums who find it tiring.

Moomin8 · 13/11/2019 23:16

I'm 39 and pregnant with baby #4 now. My partner is 50. We both already have teenagers so are going back to the beginning! I am not bothered about school runs at 50 but I will say that this pregnancy has been physically tough compared to the other three I had in my 20s.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/11/2019 23:19

"I am with a new partner who hasn't had children of his own and would love one."

More important is do you want another, since your body will be the one that has to get pregnant, give birth, bf (if you choose) ?

Do your DC want a much younger sibling, or might they feel pushed out ?

Do you have sufficient bedrooms etc, or will your existing DC have to share ?

MrsCollinssettled · 13/11/2019 23:21

Goodnightseamer you do realise that the retirement age is nearly 70 now and that most people in their 60s are perfectly capable of working fulltime?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/11/2019 23:24

40andfeelingit. Wed 13-Nov-19 20:58:50

I’m 46 with 2 in infants. Not only do I look younger I’m ten times fitter than half the younger mums, might b shallow but works for me

This did make me laugh when I saw your MN name

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/11/2019 23:28

Although I had my last 2 in my 40's, I don't have to work and we have lots of room and are pretty sorted financially. Also my older two were easy teens so I'm not too worried about that. But still. you are unlikely to see your grandchildren grow to adults and it makes you very aware of your own mortality. I thin yes, do it, but only if you really really want to.

stucknoue · 13/11/2019 23:28

Plenty do but expect to be far more tired. Consider also the need to balance the older kids needs with the baby. Finally you say partner not spouse, consider how strong your relationship is, could you cope with being a single mum of 3? Only you can decide, but considering worst case scenarios I find is helpful

stucknoue · 13/11/2019 23:34

Ps my friend was 46 when she had her dd under pressure from her Dh. She advised me not to even consider it (at 44)

Rubyroost · 13/11/2019 23:37

Not at all @goldfinchfan. Far from it, I haven't experienced any prejudice in real life, why would older mothers struggle with teenage years? Seems to only be outspoken people on mumsnet, god knows where they are in RL, perhaps they don't speak out because they don't have a keyboard to hide behind! I may have not lived it, but I teach teenagers, have been a teenager and so have quite a lot of experience. I don't want to be prejudice about younger mothers, but I'm just giving it right back to you. Experience in life counts for a lot.