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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby at 40? OK. School run at 50?

260 replies

Shybairns · 13/11/2019 20:14

Hi, I am hoping to hear from those who have had another child at 40. I have a 10 and 12 year old. I am with a new partner who hasn't had children of his own and would love one.

I know I will be crazy tired when the proposed child is young. But I am more worried about how I will feel when I am still schlepping to the school gates at 50 etc.

Anyone in this situation? Any honest reflections?

TIA x

OP posts:
Grumpos · 13/11/2019 21:36

Think this is a bit of a personal / subjective one where there’s really no right or wrong.

I had my first at 38, I come from an area where this is not unusual however I currently live (and LO nursery is located) in an area which has far more young mums, sahp, unemployed etc - no judgement, it’s a nice place just not particular progressive or amazing for academics or careers.

So when I go to drop off and pick up baby from nursery I am usually the oldest mum. I have to say I am certainly the most active, upbeat and well turned out one! You’d think being a good 10 years + older than the other mums I’d feel like a grandma but if anything I think they look bloody knackered whereas I’m always on the go. I’m definitely not super mum and not perfect but it’s fairly obvious that my age has not hindered me in comparison with other nursery mums. Some of them look positively shocking for their age! Kids are bloody knackering regardless!

londonrach · 13/11/2019 21:38

In my case im finding it easier than mums i know who younger but might because dd is a easy child. I was 41 when i had her after 10 years ttc. I found my purpose in life. My sister had two dc in her mid 30s and struggled. Really think it depends on person or child. If you want one go for it, if not dont!

blueshoes · 13/11/2019 21:39

It is not just the thought of going back to baby stage again (sliding down snakes and ladders) but also extending my working life by an equal amount of time.

I am looking forward to having no more dependents and retiring at that point but a baby would mean I would have to keep my hand in pretty full on employment for much longer. I am not sure I would want to do that.

You haven't even had your current dcs at the GCSE/A level exam stage which is hellish IMO (almost worst than the baby/toddler stage). You will have to go through that with your dcs, whilst looking after a toddler, and then go through that all over again 13 years later, whilst still in employment.

No thanks. I feel like I need a sit down just thinking about it.

Goodnightseamer · 13/11/2019 21:39

I'd be more worried about the financial side tbh. Not the expense of a baby, that's nothing. But the impact of taking time away from work again, not contributing as much to pension, possibly going part time etc.

Plus there's health considerations. Pregnancy is tougher the older you get, more likely to have complications. In the case of birth injuries these can be lifelong. And there's the health of the child to consider. Could your family cope with having a disabled child? Much more likely at this age.

I wouldn't be bothered about the school run at all though.

MustardScreams · 13/11/2019 21:40

64 with a nursery aged child? So he’ll be around 80 when the dd is in uni. Won’t have a retirement to enjoy because of primary school/high school/college general teen dram.

mrssoap · 13/11/2019 21:41

I had my last baby at 29, and I'm bloody knackered 🤣. To be honest kids are tiring and challenging whatever age you are I think. I started at 19 and I felt the tiredness even then!

Lots of the mums n dads at my kids school are In thier 50s and I think they cope better than me 🤷‍♀️.

Pinkblanket · 13/11/2019 21:43

I'm 42 and my children are 9&12. I wouldn't hesitate to have a third. I'm fit and healthy and loved the baby stage.

blueshoes · 13/11/2019 21:43

OP, do you like the baby/toddler stage? It would make it a lot easier if you did, as that would be a nice segue into raising another child.

This is as opposed to hating the baby/toddler stage and gritting your teeth through it.

nevernotstruggling · 13/11/2019 21:44

Interested in this thread as I think I may be in the same position. I am very torn. My dc are 10 and 7. I'm 40. On the one hand I think I'd love another baby but on the other hand it's such a backward step though I will finish my last career advancement thing in July so after that it won't affect work for me just income.
I think I'm inclined to tell dp when the time comes that we can try but if we don't conceive naturally I'm not up for any assistance...

TalbotAMan · 13/11/2019 21:44

Well, I married a younger DW and the DCs were born when I was 46 and 49, so I was still on the primary school run until I was nearly 60 (DC2 could get there unaided in Year 6). It didn't bother me that I was, as far as I could tell, possibly the oldest parent in the place. Luckily (well, not so much luck as skuduggery in the property market) they are now both at High School which is in comfortable walking distance, so I have now switched to being a free and private Uber driver.

Mynamenotaccepted · 13/11/2019 21:44

No laughing please I am 76 and have a 14 year old (adopted) and it is fine, she is disabled. She keeps me young and active and all my friends are in their 50s with similar age birth children
Go for it.

Ugzbugz · 13/11/2019 21:44

I dont think you need to worry about your age just depends what lifestyle you want.

ShippingNews · 13/11/2019 21:45

I'm 60 and have been doing the school run with DGD and DGS ( two different schools) for all their school lives - 9 years. Nobody notices - it's not an issue.

FemininPluriel · 13/11/2019 21:49

You certainly won’t be alone, OP. Plenty of women are having babies later in life these days.

I think it’s difficult for those (like me) who were definitely done with having babies much earlier than you to contemplate still doing the school run at 50. I’m 42 with secondary school age children and the thought of the sheer relentlessness of bringing up young children (including the school run!) at 50 fills me with horror.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/11/2019 21:51

I had mine at 32, 34, 41 and 44, Same partner.
Its wonderful most of the time and their older siblings (now at uni) adore my boys (9 and 12) and nobody bats an eyelid here in London.
The downside for me is massive health anxiety because I worry about dying before they are adults which is silly really because ill be 62 when youngest is 18.
I'm more relaxed with younger two which can be good but I also can't be bothered to do all the huge birthday parties, craft activities etc that I loved with the older ones. I'm a bit like, been there, done that which isn't fair on them so I force myself. Many of my friends are younger than me as they have kids my age and my older friends are holidaying child free, but I do enjoy them so I dont envy that.
I'd say if your healthy and relaxed then go for it but if youre a worrier like me then your worry will increase tenfold plus pangs of guilt.

7to25 · 13/11/2019 21:51

60 with a 15 year old.......feeling it now.

yellowellies · 13/11/2019 21:52

I’m 49 with a 9 year old, I don’t do the school run, as I am at work- but DH does and he’s 55! We are not the oldest parents amongst DS’s friends

Ohyesiam · 13/11/2019 21:53

I had my two at 38 and 41. If i was ever b put put place ok the school run, I never felt it.

soundsystem · 13/11/2019 21:53

Oh I've never really given this any thought. My eldest is in reception and a lot of the parents are mid-40s so will be 50 by the end of primary. I guess that's not uncommon now?

mellicauli · 13/11/2019 21:54

I had my second child at 42. The school gate isn't a problem at all. I wasn't as tired as the first time round. To me the biggest issues were the utter terror of getting the scans done and losing weight after pregnancy (still waiting!). I also think my older son missed out a bit - we couldn't do so many of tween/teen type activities our friends did because we had a much younger child in tow. But he loves having a brother. I also am a bit concerned about how we are going to fund him through university in our 60's..employment is precarious once you get to 50 and "just getting a new job". is not easy. We've saved some money but probably not enough and who knows how long we'll be able to do that for.

CaptainNelson · 13/11/2019 21:54

i had DC3 at 41, older DCs were 7 and 5. I'm now 52 so DC3 has just started secondary. Honestly, it's been fine. As others have said, it's about mindset and how you feel inside. Plus sides are that you don't need babysitters and you know what you're doing. The school playground/mums hold no fear for me - if you like anyone, fine; if you don't, equally fine. So much better than with DCs1&2.
Obviously I don't know yet what it'll be like when DC3 is 16 and doing exams but I can't believe anything will be more stressful that the last 6 months (DC1- A levels then uni; DC2 - GCSEs then move to 6th form; DC3 - move from primary to secondary). I'd say go for it - keeps you young!

chuck7 · 13/11/2019 21:59

Nothing wrong with having a baby at 40 OP but personally I wouldn’t be having more children with a ‘new’ partner at 40 when I already have kids aged 10+

notquiteruralbliss · 13/11/2019 22:01

Had my last at 42. It was fine.

RiftGibbon · 13/11/2019 22:03

I'm an older parent, but the cohort of mums I mix with has a good smattering of variation. AFAIK I am the oldest, but one mum is only a few months younger than me, another is a year younger, a few are mid 40s, many just turned 40 and a few around 30.
We all have kids in Y4, but for those children with siblings, the siblings range (across all the mums) from newborn to 27 year olds.

BarbaraStrozzi · 13/11/2019 22:05

I'm managing fine with an early secondary school age child in my (heading towards) mid fifties. Managed the football in the park/carrying him around on my shoulders bit when in my forties, going a bit creaky now, but he prefers playing football with his mates these days anyway.

I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, I might have had more energy and been physically fitter when younger, but on the other hand I had a hell of a time being young, free and single and travelling and having adventures.