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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 13/11/2019 22:15

OP, please read AFairlyHardAvocado's post. She/he speaks kindly and constructively.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 13/11/2019 22:17

This thread is also a sad indictment on people’s basic levels of comprehension.

Do you really think the vast majority of people on here aren't understanding what you're saying? Or is it more likely that they do understand, they just don't agree with you at all.

I said in my last post that it must be terrible how your feeling and you need to be kind to yourself. We aren't all being nasty but it feels like you're treating replies as "for" or "against" you when people are answering a question that doesn't have a simple yes / no answer. And the goalposts have been moved as more information has been given. It's a shame you're ignoring the thoughts of all the people who don't agree with your opinion.

RedRec · 13/11/2019 22:20

Isn't there someone nearer to him, not eight hours away, who can help him?

WombOfOnesOwn · 13/11/2019 22:21

I wonder why a child in a house with a suicidal mother who won't get help for it because she's convinced everyone is suicidal, and who has motion-sensing cameras all over the house because she's scared of sexual abuse (but invites men into the house saying they're "friends" until the kids catch them holding hands with mom, so they know they can't trust her), would have behavioral problems?

TitianaTitsling · 13/11/2019 22:22

Well what's the point in posting? Do you just want plaudits for you 'wonderful, kind person' doing this for your poor friend, and affirmation your children shouldn't be listened to and are hampering your life?

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 22:25

I’m really amused at the idea anyone thinks anything in this thread means I haven’t sought medical help for myself, am not dealing with my children’s problems, am sad and desperate etc etc. Grin In what realm is your experience of help for people? I’ve spent six agonising years begging for help from every service who would listen and we’ve been denied every single time. Even the school had to buy in help for my DD because services wouldn’t step in. I live in the real world. Feeling suicidal occasionally, sometimes frequently when things are bad, is absolutely normal in my world. I’m not apologising for being human and fuck you for judging me so. I hope the sense of moral superiority it gives you keeps those dark thoughts at bay Smile

Are you all so desperate to stick the boot in that you have to have to make up stuff to judge me for? Hmm

I already said why I posted. I haven’t changed the story, I have elaborated in response to questions and misunderstandings. If I’d posted all the detail in the first post, nobody would read it! I was using (clumsily perhaps) shortcuts to describe complex situations but you don’t need to jump to conclusions in the absence of actual information. Especially when those assumptions are based on lazy stereotypes and deep seated misogyny.

Well, if I wasn’t depressed before, this thread certainly fucking helped! Cheers mumsnet!

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 22:35

*This thread is also a sad indictment on people’s basic levels of comprehension.

Do you really think the vast majority of people on here aren't understanding what you're saying? Or is it more likely that they do understand, they just don't agree with you at all.*

You didn’t quote me in full. I was clearly aiming that at people who are purposefully misconstruing what I’ve said. I’ve thanked people already for the constructive posts, and no, that doesn’t mean just the ones who ‘agreed with me’ whatever that means since AS IVE ALREADY SAID I posted to find out of my friend had a point about me being ‘soft’, ie. a question inviting opinions on that point.

Thanks for proving my point though!

To be honest, I haven’t read all the replies yet. It’s not possible with so many and having to keep on posting clarifications because people can’t just read a thread and take it at face value - there always has to be something pertinent to the thread that the op is omitting to make the answer go their way. Look at the second post - straight into aN assumption.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 22:37

Sorry, third post. Slightly better then Grin

OP posts:
ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 13/11/2019 22:37

He's suffered incredible hardship. He's depressed. You think you can help him in a few days but actually MH issues can't be diagnosed and assessed over the phone by a caring friend. What if he isn't ok in a few days? What's your back-up plan?

My DF had MH issues. I wouldn't invite someone into my DCs' home who was struggling. Not because I'm uncaring or don't understand MH issues. But because I understand exactly what it's like to be a child living in a home with an adult who is struggling and because I'm also aware of my own limitations.

Wanting to help, doesn't always mean you're the best person to provide that help.

TheTruthAboutLove · 13/11/2019 22:39

OP, what happens when he’s not okay after four days? And you have your other stuff to deal with?

As much as your intentions are honourable, I don’t believe you’re in the right place to be able to help him. Nor should it be that it’s put on you to be his saviour at the expense of your children’s happiness.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 13/11/2019 22:41

Very simply - putting aside all the unpleasant comments - you should prioritise your children. Your friend needs more than somewhere to stay. He needs emotional support. You cannot be properly available, emotionally, to your children whilst supporting him. Not if they are not on board with it. Your children must come first.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 13/11/2019 22:42

I didn't prove your point, at all. I'm out.

Good luck with everything.

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 22:50

You misconstrued a post I made about people misconstruing my posts. You did not comprehend my post about comprehension. Which was my point.

OP posts:
Pugsleyaddams · 13/11/2019 22:50

It gets worse with every post you make OP, you are clearly vulnerable if you have suicidal fantasies yourself, you are clearly taken in by this man and the hopelessness of his situation. You are paranoid enough about abuse of your children to have cameras but not so paranoid as to stop strange men being in their home? You can't 'save' him, you just have to look after your children's wellbeing in their own home. From an outsider's point of view this is not healthy, you are not the one who can fix his problems, he wants to go back to his home country but is at risk of death there, men in his situation are committing suicide, you relate because you want to commit suicide etc. You cannot fix this man, help his situation and if you try to do so it'll be at your children's cost.

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 22:58

I find it totally perplexing that you have motion sensing cameras, yet you don't do the simplest thing to keep your children safe which would be to not allow random men to stay over....yet as you mentioned in previous post, that would have meant you'd have missed out on some mind blowing sex.

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 23:02

So much hyperbole in the absence of facts. My cameras started life as pet cameras for my dog. But there’s been an increase in burglaries here so now one is trained at the back door, the other at the front which is also where the stairs is. You call it paranoid, I call it sensible.

Maybe every post seems worse to you because you’re just reading more and more shit that isn’t there into a situation I have (fairly) briefly described?

OP posts:
holidayhelpp · 13/11/2019 23:03

Cutting through all of this.....you’re right to listen to your children and not have him stay. End of.

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 23:07

Yes, Formerbabe. Nobody can have mind blowing sex if they are a single mum without necessarily endangering their children. But clearly people on here can’t help but resist the urge to twist a lighthearted comment. Guess we’re both managing to get our kicks somehow Wink

Life is full of risks that we each calculate many times on a daily basis. Just because I’m a single mum, doesn’t mean I’m not able to calculate risks just as well as the people on here. I think you all do women a disservice with this judgemental attitude.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 13/11/2019 23:13

I think initially posters couldn’t work out whether your DC objected to anyone who took your attention off them or whether they had valid reasons about this particular visitor.

Personally my DC have never been asked about visitors but have always been happy & excited about having my friends to stay, even if they are people that they don’t really know. Therefore I would be very concerned & listen to them if they said they didn’t want a particular person visiting.

The initial information you gave suggested you felt that your DC were jealous of attention that a friend my take, and were objecting unreasonably. However the additional information about you having suicidal thoughts (which is NOT normal) and the friend being depressed/suicidal sounds like it’s a bad idea to have him to stay from the point of view of 2 suicidal people egging each other on.

What is most odd is that the reasons you give to prioritise him over your children - depressed, homeless, jobless etc etc are the exact reasons that raise red flags for most of the people reading. But for some reason you can’t see this. I think you need to address the dynamics of your family before you add another complication into the mix.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 13/11/2019 23:13

Just because I’m a single mum, doesn’t mean I’m not able to calculate risks just as well as the people on here
This doesn't make any sense. You know there are single mums on this thread that have judged the risk differently from you.

FamilyOfAliens · 13/11/2019 23:18

Do you really think it’s wise to offer to support to someone who is suicidal, when you have two children with their own needs, a job to hold down, and your own mental health struggles?

BigChocFrenzy · 13/11/2019 23:28

No, your DC shouldn't be allowed to control your social life

However, this particular person with severe MH problems could be frightening for them and they have a right to be protected from those feelings

You said they object to you having friends, especially male - so do they object to any female ones ?

They need to get used to the fact you have friends - esepcially invite women over - during the day, but do consider safety very carefully before inviting anyone overnight

wantthismummy · 13/11/2019 23:31

I hate to say this and please please do not take offence but their isn’t a more sinister reason they don’t want him around is there?

wantthismummy · 13/11/2019 23:37

*there

steff13 · 13/11/2019 23:46

He expressed that he wants to return to his home country (where he is risking death).

Who in his home country wants to put him to death?