To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

[MarmiteAndMustard]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

@formerbabe

You sound really nice, thank you for showing how to be kind

Oh shit I hope nobody thought I meant that literally - it was dripping in sarcasm at the absolute audacity of the poster to call us nasty between calling us hysterical bitches in the posts I bolded.

I think this board has actually had some really thoughtfully considered advice and thoughts.

@AFairlyHardAvocado. Sorry, missed that!

Some harsh replies here. If you were such a shit parent, you'd have him to stay regardless of opinion.
Your children sound deeply insecure though, so that's something I'd want to explore. Of course it may be because you're the one constant in their lives.
I'd be torn about having him to stay, to be honest. On the one hand, your children shouldn't get to dictate, and you could create a real rod for your own back. But on the other, your kids wouldn't be happy or comfortable in the situation.
Tough call, for sure.

Nowhere did I say I wouldn’t respect their decision; I was attempting to explain my rationale because people were unfairly questioning my judgement (which wasn’t what I was asking about).

You are going to make them stay elsewhere if they wont accept it. That's not respecting the opinion YOU asked them for.

But, I keep going, mainly for my kids because they don’t have anyone else.

I know someone, with a child who killed herself this year. If a friend hadnt have popped in her child would have found her. You might be able to keep going. Doesnt mean everyone can.

All those problems wont be solved in 4 days.

So he isnt depressed or suicidal. You are taking in massive problems and removing your kids from their home, to take those on.

If you think about suicide so often, you need to ci cetrate on getting yourself well. Before taking on someones sort of kind of depression and suicide risk.

@formerbabe

No probs, glad to clear it up in case anybody else read it like that too!

If he was one sole friend , who did make them feel “uncomfortable “, which is not what the op described, then I would wonder why, and not have him to stay. However the OP has said that the children simply don’t want him to stay, and that they do not like her having friends at all, especially male ones. This is rather different. Many children of that age would rather that their single Mum did not ever have a boyfriend, or do anything with friends. It is pretty normal for young children to be selfish, but also surely normal for parents to teach children not to be selfish, to be kind, to look after friends, especially when they need a hand. We have sometimes done things that my dc would have refused given the choice, because it was the kind thing to do. A child feeling a bit jealous is normal, a child reluctantly doing something because it is the kind thing to do, when they would rather do the selfish thing is normal. I was brought up to think of other people, my parents would absolutely have helped a very sad friend through a tough time and expected us children to be kind too, and I am bringing up my dc the same way. Of course if one of my friends genuinely scared my children, then that would be different, but as the OP has presented this, it is just young children being possessive and self centred, like many others.

DC are intrinsically selfish, they want things to stay with you running around and available for them 24/7.

Agree kids are inherently selfish and post separation would rather you stayed miserable and socially isolated whilst catering to their every whim.

I'm surprised these comments are going unchallenged. MN usually follows the philosophy of "happy mum, happy kids".

What math said, especially this:
You say your oldest has behavioural issues, and I suggest that you have a very short window to get a grip on whatever it is that is going on there before puberty kicks in and he literally grows too big for you to handle, ending up off the rails and in the sort of trouble young teen boys can end up in - the stuff that can seriously limit their life chances.

My son is already beginning puberty at 11, blood tests also back this up, this is not at all precocious, some children start earlier.

We've had to make some very serious and major changes to accommodate this and his needs, not wants, because he's getting really broad and tall.

Seriously, focus on him first.

I don't think it will be for a few days. You have to consider that he may well want to stay and not do anything to fix his situation.
What will you do then?

By all means help him find somewhere to live but you have to put your children first.

Surely, you can understand them not looking Male friends. Especially when they then catch the male friends holding hands with their mum.

If you are going to have someone around your kids that you have been with a 'short time' and tell your kids you are just friends, you dont the act like a couple in front of them.

The kids will be more hurt confused about the lies.

And listen to what the kids say. When he is around OP, focuses just on him. Are we going to just ignore that? Assume the kids are making it up?

Perhaps the kids suspect any male friend is actually the ops boyfriend and their mother is lying again

It's not hard to work out why they may be uncomfortable with mums males friends.

I'm curious as to how you met this man. A homeless, depressed immigrant who lives 8 hours away.

A single woman with her own house must be the stuff of his dreams.

Op, is this man homeless and basically penny less. How will he sort himself out on three or four days? Is he also an asylum seeker?

Are you basically thinking of letting this man live with you for as long as he wishes? Because from what you've posted you must know he won't be sorted in this time frame.

If he's suicidal he needs to be in a hospital, not near your children.

MN usually follows the philosophy of "happy mum, happy kids"

I am not a dedicated follower of this. Yes, if mum is miserable it impacts the kids. But just doing what makes mum happy regardless of the kids, the kids wont be happy.

And yes, I offered my children the choice of staying at home and explained that he wouldn’t be spending time in the ‘family unit’ but would be there in the evenings when they’d gone to bed but they could stay at their grandparents if they wanted. They did no to both.

Sometimes they HAVE to go to their grandparents for example when I’m at hospital or so I can work. They don’t get a choice about that. Sometimes they enjoy it once there but they don’t like leaving me. Thanks for whoever mentioned a link between losing their dad and being clingy - I hadn’t considered that but it makes sense. My DD12 has suspected ASD and possible attachment disorder from traumatic pregnancy (according to a psychologist).

Guess what? I’m suicidal too! I fantasise about it allll the time

OP I'm sure you mean well but every update makes this more concerning. You've described this guy as suicidal then depressed then not clinically depressed then wanting to end things, all in one thread. And now you say you fantasise about suicide all the time.

I'm genuinely sorry you feel that way, I've been there and it's terrible but one of the worst things you can do while in that headspace is to in any way take responsibility for someone else's mental health when they are in your friends situation.

You should be kind to yourself and your kids by looking into how you can feel better yourself. And your friend needs to do the same. If you're fantasising about suicide (even if no intention of actually going through with it) and only carrying on for the kids, then you are already running on empty and you deserve to feel better than that! Adding another person to consider as well as your kids, at the moment while you feel so low, isn't fair on you - or your kids.

I'm not being a nasty bitch as a delightful PP called a number of us. I've just answered honestly the question you came on here and asked.

Seriously, focus on him first

Absolutely. I have an 11 year old ds...he needs a huge amount of support and guidance and that's without any behavioural issues. It's a crucial time.

Guess what? I’m suicidal too! I fantasise about it allll the time

Fantastic news! How great for your children that they get to live with two suicidal people. Spot on op!

I have bipolar and like fuck I would even think about having a bipolar person to stay when they're in a depressive phase. Children have enough to deal with when their parents have mental ill health, they don't deserve to suffer more than they have to.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?
This is what you said in your op.

The kids have a choice be uncomfortable in their home or leave and stay elsewhere.

So he wont be spending anytime with you, but will just be there. So how are you helping him. Him staying and feeling isolated, isn't going to help

OP, you really need to realise that, actually, this could go on much longer or after 4 days, he will ne worse or back where he is now.

I'm not sure he's really is suicidal as such. It reads he's a homeless man, who isn't entitled to benefits, may be an asylum seeker, and he can't even afford to feed himself so the op is thinking of taking him in.

Although thr thread has taken a very sinister turn with the op declaring she's also suicidal, as well as her earlier declaration he was.

. My DD12 has suspected ASD and possible attachment disorder

And yet you thought it ok to tell them they have to stay elsewhere if they don't want a man they don't like to sleep in their home?!

I met him while he was on holiday in my hometown. He’s not an asylum seeker, he has a right to citizenship via grandparents but getting his documentation together is challenging from another country and is proving time consuming and expensive. He has a job and supports family back home. I know he will be sorted (enough) in just a few days because like I already said, he needs a plan and the space to make one, not sectioning (but he went to the GP today). He was already feeling slightly more positive after our phone call.

I don’t understand your point of posting at all.

You keep switching , from suicidal, very depressed , had a bad time .

Fantasising about suicide is not normal cat all .

You shouldn’t of invited him to your home under the circumstances. Your children shouldn’t of been asked because it shouldn’t happen and they are too young to decide.

You need to seek medical help yourself . Every post your write increases my idea this is a bad idea

I know a man like this who moves from "friend" to "friend " sometimes with shagging. I would not have him round my kids.

This thread is also a sad indictment on people’s basic levels of comprehension. How does presenting a choice between staying at home while my friend visited, or going to stay at Granny’s equate to ‘forcing them out’? They said no to both so I said ok which is why my other (female) friend said I was giving them too much choice and control.