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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

363 replies

MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 18:25

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

OP posts:
Schuyler · 13/11/2019 21:22

Nothing especially jumps out to me that there’s a serious risk to the children but they have expressed discomfort and it’s their home. For that reason, YABU and need to prioritise their emotional welfare over your friends emotional welfare.

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 21:22

They already know this man and don't want him around. Does that not ring alarm bells for you? Or at least make you want to investigate why they feel like that?

It doesn’t make me want to investigate anything. I’m not a detective. The OP knows her children and her friend. If she believes he isn’t a risk to them and has no reason to think otherwise, I’ll take her at her word. It’s pretty normal for children of that age to object to newcomers. But in some circumstances their preferences have to come second to someone else’s urgent need. That’s a valuable lesson for them, and the right thing to do.

Obviously it goes without saying that if he is violent, aggressive, addicted, over-familiar etc., then I would see it differently. But it sounds like he’s a normal friend having a really hard time.

firesong · 13/11/2019 21:25

I'm not sure, really. Of course you want to help your friend... could he stay at a local b&b maybe, and you spend day times with him? I think you seem to be getting some stick because you previously dated him and you're a single parent (I am as well). If you asked this question as a married woman you wouldn't be getting quite the same response. I don't ask my children who can stay over, but then they haven't objected to my friends of either sex staying before either.

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 21:27

@churchandstate

What you're effectively saying is that children should be made to feel uncomfortable in order to accommodate an adult man, on the basis of kindness. That's all kinds of fucked up.

MsPotterPepper · 13/11/2019 21:28

The sheer lack of empathy and care, disguised as concern for the OP’s children who are at no risk whatsoever, with another place they could safely stay for a couple of days if they prefer it, is staggering

No risk whatsoever? Yeah, a man sleeping on the sofa with free roam of the house at night carries no risk, at all. The children rejected and not listened to by their parent in favour of a man they don't like has no risk of causing emotional harm to them.
The children being around a stranger who is severely depressed carries no risk of causing them distress. Hmm

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 21:29

formerbabe

I am saying in some circumstances it’s okay for kindness to someone else to come first. If you think that’s “fucked up”, oh well, because I thought the same about your posts. What can we do?

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 21:31

No risk whatsoever? Yeah, a man sleeping on the sofa with free roam of the house at night carries no risk, at all.

He’s not a stranger. He’s a close friend of their mother’s, and people wouldn’t be clutching their pearls about him staying over - in my view - if the OP was married. As the OP has said, if the children are uncomfortable for 3-4 nights they can stay out. No risk.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/11/2019 21:32

It isn't actually clear whether OP's children dislike this man or dislike the idea of having Mum's friends staying in the house. If they don't want guests because they think they are entitled to 100% of their mum's time and attention, then they need to be gently encouraged to consider other people in future or they will still be trying to sabotage any kind of social life for OP once they are adults with homes of their own.
However if they have met this man before and they express specific dislike of him, there might be more of a problem and OP should try to get them to give their reasons: does he behave inappropriately towards them; is he noisy, is he scary?

LH1987 · 13/11/2019 21:32

I don’t mean to be judgemental as you are obviously trying to do the right thing for a friend and that is kind. However, is bringing someone into your home that is going through what sounds like some very serious issues and is suicidal a good idea? He may be in a very uneven state and this might be disconcerting for your children. They are your responsibility, helping him is not.

I hope it works out for you.

LonginesPrime · 13/11/2019 21:34

I don’t think it would take more than a few days to help him feel more in control and less bleak.

Sorry OP, but this sounds more than a little naive.

As I understand it, this guy is from another country, depressed to the point of entertaining suicide and supposedly has no family or support network. It doesn't sound like a situation that a brief mini-break at a friend's house is going to fix.

Where is he planning to go after staying at yours? It sounds like you might end up stuck with a long-term lodger if you take him in with no plan.

And FWIW I wouldn't personally have someone stay if my DC didn't want them to. It's a bit different from merely 'having a life outside of the kids' if you're inviting this person to stay in their home.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 13/11/2019 21:35

@churchandstate

I am saying in some circumstances it’s okay for kindness to someone else to come first. If you think that’s “fucked up”, oh well, because I thought the same about your posts. What can we do?

I agree with your first sentence - that kids should learn that kindness to someone else comes first in some circumstances.

It's just to me the OP's specific situation absolutely isn't one of those circumstances, at all.

braw · 13/11/2019 21:35

DM had a friend when I was that age who made me similarly uncomfortable. I found him creepy. She told me not to be so ridiculous. I've never forgotten that, her dismissing my feelings.

MsPotterPepper · 13/11/2019 21:35

He’s not a stranger. He’s a close friend of their mother’s

Silly me, forgetting that a non related males staying in a home with a single mother comes very low on the risk scale.

Do you not even care about the emotional harm it will cause them?

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 21:37

He’s a close friend of their mother’s, and people wouldn’t be clutching their pearls about him staying over - in my view - if the OP was married.

Close friend? He is an ex.

And yes, I would be concerned about 2 parents putting their kids out of the house because a guest was staying, that they werent comfortable with.

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/11/2019 21:38

This reply has been deleted

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formerbabe · 13/11/2019 21:38

@churchandstate

Imagine if the children went to school and told their teacher that their mum had a male friend staying over and they were unhappy about it and he was suicidal.

I'm no expert but I'd imagine they'd have to report it on grounds of safe guarding?

pickletickled · 13/11/2019 21:39

This thread is bastard batshit!
The assumptions and accusations against the op are ridiculous.
The question up thread about whether the op's dc were male or female blew my mind WTAF has the sex of her children got to do with anything?
Newsflash !! sexual abuse happens to males also.

OP - you know this man and you know your children I'm sure your judgement is enough. One thing I do disagree on is that the dc should have to go stay elsewhere.

Giraffey1 · 13/11/2019 21:40

It feels as if there are several things going on here.

You want to invite an ex over for a few days but your children aren’t happy, possibly because you lied to them about your relationship last time round. Maybe they are worried about history repeating. And they are probably of the age where you think anything kissy is yucky!

People with depression don’t ‘get sorted out’ in two or three days as you seem to think, It’s lovely that you are trying to help him but I think you need to ask whether you are the right person to do this, and whether sleeping on your sofa is really the right way to go about things.

It must be hard, but while it’s great you involve your children in decisions, you are the adult and sometimes you need to tell them this is how it is going to be. You are the adult and you aren’t running a democracy. But now you’ve asked their opinions, I think you should be exploring why they are unhappy.

I don’t think you can ship them off to the the grandparents - the DC will probably assume the worst and that you want the space to get up to stuff.

I think you also need to think about the consequences of having him to stay and the few days stretching for longer. What’s the plan for the end of day three? I suspect he will still need help and support, and you can’t keep doing that at the expense of your children.

What other ways could you help him? Does he have other friends? Colleagues? Are there organisations where he lives that can help? I’d be exploring all the options ...

AFairlyHardAvocado · 13/11/2019 21:40

@HundredMilesAnHour

As for everyone else, what a bunch of nasty bitches there are on this thread.

God forbid your DC grow up to be like the majority of selfish, hysterical bitches on this thread.

You sound really nice, thank you for showing how to be kind and not nasty Thanks

Original poster
MarmiteAndMustard · 13/11/2019 21:42

So, thank you everybody who took the time to address the issue I was posting about - namely whether my friend was right that in this situation, the decision was mine and I gave them a choice that shouldn’t have been theirs. I asked them precisely because I believe they should have a choice about who comes into their home. Nowhere did I say I wouldn’t respect their decision; I was attempting to explain my rationale because people were unfairly questioning my judgement (which wasn’t what I was asking about).

For the haters: Thanks ever so much for the side helping of patronisation with that judgement too. I was sexually abused as a child. No man who is not family has ever been left alone with my child and I have cameras in the house which trigger an alarm on my phone if there is movement. Still, I manage not to assume that every man is a paedophilic predator and I’m glad because I would have missed out on some really meaningful friendships (and some mind blowing sex Wink).

What a sad indictment this thread is on people’s general understanding of mental health issues and the reality of people’s lives. Guess what? I’m suicidal too! I fantasise about it allll the time, mostly because I feel like most people are shitty human beings and our country is currently consumed by bitter division and othering to the point where I don’t recognise it. But, I keep going, mainly for my kids because they don’t have anyone else. I hold my shit together and carry on every day. The idea that he will be sat there drinking himself into oblivion and lunging for the knives at every opportunity. Thanks for assuming that because I’m a single mum I must be so desperate for a shag that I wouldn’t be able to judge this 🙄

OP posts:
formerbabe · 13/11/2019 21:42

You sound really nice, thank you for showing how to be kind

God, this is nauseating.

Women being preached at to be kind at the expense of their own children.

SouthernComforts · 13/11/2019 21:43

I have mutual friends with a woman who did exactly this. The man hung himself in the house whilst she was doing the school run and her and the children found him. Tragic but so very avoidable for those kids. Think carefully.

Anotherlongdrive · 13/11/2019 21:43

Her judgement is that it's fine to put the kids out of the house because they have expressed they are uncomfortable.

People talking about how kind op. That's great except she said 4 days is maximum because she has work and other shit to do. So she is showing kindness to him at a time that's convenient to her. And if he isnt better by day 4 tough shit. Because SHE has important things to get on with.

What if he is worse at the thought if leaving? She going to turf him out, anyway? How is that kind?

And how is ok to say he cant stay when it impacts the kids. But not when it impacts her?

formerbabe · 13/11/2019 21:44

Still, I manage not to assume that every man is a paedophilic predator and I’m glad because I would have missed out on some really meaningful friendships (and some mind blowing sex

And that's clearly the most important thing here Hmm

churchandstate · 13/11/2019 21:44

Imagine if the children went to school and told their teacher that their mum had a male friend staying over and they were unhappy about it and he was suicidal.
I'm no expert but I'd imagine they'd have to report it on grounds of safe guarding?

Probably, yes (and I would, too). But a report isn’t action. Once any relevant authority was made aware that the children could go to a grandparent if uncomfortable and that the situation was for three days, there would be no grounds for action at all, in my opinion.