To invite my friend to stay against DC’s wishes?

[MarmiteAndMustard]

Would it be unreasonable for me to say to my DC (9 & 11) that my friend is coming to stay for a few days and if they don’t like it, they can stay with relatives while he is here?

I consulted their opinion and they have said they don’t want him here. Another friend said I should not be asking their opinion, I am the adult and the decision is mine. She thinks I often give them too much choice and therefore control.

Is she right? Or would it be wrong to invite somebody into our home against their wishes?

Whilst it is commendable that you would like to help a friend in need, you have a child with suspected ASD and a possible attachment disorder who has unequivocally told you that they do not want this person in their home. Their behaviour is sufficiently concerning enough for external help to have been requested at school and it should therefore be important to maintain as secure and stable environment as possible.

The question may well have been asked of the children but ultimately you had no intention of absorbing the answer as you gave them a like it or lump it alternative. Accept the friend or stay with your grandparents who you don’t like staying with either. Sometimes children have to stay elsewhere when parents work or for hospital appointments or admissions, that is out of necessity, this is not necessity. Your children’s well-being should be paramount.

I agree with your friends, your children are being given too much of a sense of control & for children, that’s actually scary. They need adults to make decisions, not be asked & they need to be able to trust that the adults around them know what they’re doing.

Stop consulting them & start parenting them.

I hope your friend is feeling less dreadful soon 🌷

You know your friend, if you think they need help and won’t cause you or your family stress then why would you not have them to stay? Strange to ask your DCs, it’s your home your rules, it good to teach children to share and have compassion.

OP, he's not coming to stay for a few days he's moving in.

Your children can see this. Why cant you?

Jesus wept! I've spent a lot of the past 7 years of my life with severe mental health issues to extreme bereavement. I've had to put it all to the side because my son is bloody ill with his 'behavioural problems' of high-functioning autism and ADHD. I've had police and social work involved. I understand, it's no easy thing. But no, am not available to take in someone whom my child finds uncomfortable in their home because FFS, the child is eleven and I have to put him first because a) he deserves it and b) social isn't going to look well on that, are they?

Where is your head? Seriously? You asked them, they told you they didn't want it. But hey, fuck 'em.

Oh god it sounds like he is moving in. Free food and accommodation and company while he sends his income home to his family. Can you update us in a few weeks and let us know how the visit went.

Many people are saying that there is an unfair POV that OP is a single mum. However, I’m married and still wouldn’t invite this friend into my home with my kids in your circumstances. I’m not heartless. I may pay for cheap accommodation for a few days and meet at night when the kids are asleep

@Shelby2010's post sums it up perfectly.

Your children should be able to be comfortable and safe in their own home. You are not responsible for other adults. You are responsible for your children.

Please tell your friend you can offer emotional support but he cannot stay

Please get help for your own MH. Being suicidal is not normal. You seem to think it is

Please keep asking for help for your DC

YY to donttalkallatonce and Shelby.

I am a single mother, fwiw.

There are many agencies helping refugees and asylum seekers-
www.supportrefugees.org.uk/national-organisations/ - a short list; there are others. Your friend does not need your personal involvement, or your living room.

Based on your kids needs ( as described by you) I would be concentrating on making my home the most safest feeling environment for them. Not inviting people in to sleep on the sofa.
It's an admirable thing to offer but not what's right for your kids.,

OP you do keep changing the story.

He was suicidal, when you thought that would make more people agree.

Then he wasnt when people pointed out that's a reason to not have him there.

He was having a hard time. Then depressed, then not depressed just has a alot going on. Then gone to his gp anyway.

He was suicidal, you mention asylum seekers committing suicide. But he isnt suidicidal, ir an an asylum seeker.

You talked about your abuse and how you are now hyper sensitive to putting your children at risk. As part of you talking about managing risk in relation to this, you mention motion detector cameras. Now they are for the pets?

You say you are suicidal often, then not so much.

You started by making out, the kids were trying to control you. The drip the behavioural problems then possible asd.

Do you realise that you son with possible ASD could be badly impacted by this? Do you realise that introducing the child to the man as 'a friend's, then them seeing you holding hands, could be part of the reason they dont like him. If you tell your kids you partner is just a friend, them then seeing that your are lying to them, is going to upset them.

If you havent been seeing someone long enough to introduce them as a partner but introduce them as a friend, you dont then act like a couple around them.

Your kids felt like when he was there you focused solely on him, then may be upset you lie to spend time with him too.

You say you ask your kids opinions on too much. I dont think you listen though.

It does seem strange that this man with all his problems decides that the one person he can seek help from is a vulnerable single mother with two children.

What's even worse is all the other women on this thread bleating on about kindness....life isn't a facebook meme

Op, I don't understand, why can he not afford food if he has a job, why does he need a place to stay? And if he's not an asylum seeker, why did you bring it into the conversation as a reason for suicidal tendencies?

You are over identifying with this man because you too have mh issues.

You want more support in difficult times so are bending over backwards for him.

This is blinding you to the reality of your first priority to your dcs.

Kids need stability and security.

Not depressed men they barely know kipping on their couch

What's even worse is all the other women on this thread bleating on about kindness....life isn't a facebook meme

Although, given the OP’s updates about her own MH, I think she should reconsider her position, I think talking about people suggesting kindness as “bleating on” doesn’t make anyone look clever, just soulless.

While it's great to help friends, not do at the expense of children. Given your on already struggles behaviourly, it's not fair on him or his sibling as they will see it as you prioritising this man over them.

No they shouldn't have a say on you dating, that's a separate issue though.

What happens if on the last day this friend has nowhere to go?

I'd also be wary as when depressed or anxious yourself, being around people feeling similar can just enhance the feeling. There are certain friends i step away from when feeling depressed as i know they do too and we won't be support but will make each other worse.

Before ops posts about her own mental health, you could see this was s situation where kindness was being encouraged above common sense.

Which is something women are put under pressure to do all the time. Above all be kind. Rather than think if the consquences

*Before ops posts about her own mental health, you could see this was s situation where kindness was being encouraged above common sense.

Which is something women are put under pressure to do all the time. Above all be kind. Rather than think if the consquences*

Where I am from, a person having suicidal thoughts is a serious problem deserving of kindness from close friends, not an automatic “not my problem”, which was what was being suggested here. As the OP’s posts have continued, my mindset about her capacity to help has shifted, but I still believe some of the earlier posts on this thread to be revolting in their lack of compassion and basic humanity.

You appear to have made up your mind.
It's not the best decision at all.
But good luck I suppose

Where I am from, a person having suicidal thoughts is a serious problem deserving of kindness from close friends, not an automatic “not my problem”, which was what was being suggested here.*

I dont agree. People were weighing up his 'needs' and the impact on the kids and her. Way before her mental health was mentioned.

Besides which, the claim of depressed and suicidal was quickly retracted when it was pointed out that, that made a worse idea ri have him there.

No one said she should ignore him. But theres a huge difference between ignoring him and put your children out of the house to accommodate hi. For 3 or 4 days.

Again before the ops mental health was mentioned lots of people said 4 days probably wont be enough. And what if it isnt? OP SAS he cant stay longer than that, so is she going to have him evicted, even if he isnt better

There loads of problems with this, before adding in that the OP has mental health issues.

As I said, women are often encouraged to be kind over their own feelings and safety. Thata not a good thing. Being kind is seen as something a woman MUST be, even at their own expense.

Anotherlongdrive

I accept that you have your view on this, and I’ve given mine. Let’s leave it there.