To wish I could be a SAHM

[iwouldbuyyouadress]

There is no way that this will ever happen. Even going part time is not an option.

But ah to not have to be charging around at 5:30 in the morning. To get home in the daylight. To see my child’s teacher. To not have to be cramming everything into the weekends. To attend baby and toddler groups with youngest and have ‘mum friends.’

Won’t happen.

Nice to think about though.

I have an issue with all the people saying they’re jealous of SAHPs... None of this happened by luck or was handed to me in a plate being jealous of someone doesn't mean you think they don't deserve something tho. I'm jealous of people who spent their mat leave having fun with their baby instead of in and out of hospital. I don't begrudge them that or wish they had one like mine. I'm lessorjealous of people with gorgeous figures, even as I eat cake and know I dint deserve one. I'm jealous of my friends play room which she has be because made smarter choices, worked harder and is more intelligent than me. She utterly deserves her play room, I'm allowed to be jealous of it

Also, just to add, I was made redundant from my job while on mat leave with dc1 and couldn't get back into a similar role afterwards as the industry took a massive nosedive (hence me being made redundant in the first place). So, for some of us, it certainly isn't a delightful lifestyle choice. Lucky as I know I am that we can afford it.

I don’t think I’d enjoy it tbh. But everyone has different experiences. In a perfect world you’d be able to get a balance between work and home but it’s not a perfect world.

I did it for nearly 9 years. I (mostly) loved it at the time and felt very lucky to be able to do it. But for the last year or two it was a bit groundhog day and I was really ready to start looking for work by the time my youngest went to school.

I have a DH who works long hours and travels sometimes and we have no family help, so it worked better for us to have me be at home (also I wanted to). We struggled a little bit financially but it was worth it for us.

I found a part-time (3 days a week) job once DD2 was in school and it is a really good work/life balance though obviously we don't have as much spare cash as we would if I worked full-time.

Yes, in my dream scenario, dh and I would each work pt and have the rest of the time at home. In reality, if we did that, the negative effect on our income and on his career would be terrible. Mind you, at the moment, I am the only one whose career is taking a hit so 🤷‍♀️.

I cannot believe people think it's a "luxury" to be a SAHM... I did not have enough support/childcare/money to just go to back to work when my boys dad walked out
But people aren't jealous of people who are SAHP's who are that out of need - low income, poor support, child with additional needs (the reason I'm a SAHM). They're generally jealous of the ones who can choose not to work, can still afford to live and who have options. So am I.

I think there's always difficulties regardless of whether you're a working parent or a SAHP. The grass is always greener, and all that. I do sympathise though, I remember working full time in an office and missing out on so much time with my kids.

I work from home now, which you'd think would be the ideal 'in between' solution. It's not though. I mean sure it has its perks, but now I find it's too tempting to open the laptop and look at emails and stuff during non working hours, and then when I'm sat working I'm looking round and cringing at all the housework that needs doing (which I inevitably end up spending my break doing, rather than sitting on my arse doing nothing like I used to do on lunch breaks at my old office based job).

oh, I get you, OP. My eldest is 12 and has complex SN (severe LD and autism), my younger one is on the diagnostic pathway for HF Asd. I have no family and a DH who works long hours. I have never been able to afford giving up work (I am lucky I have a school hour job - but I cannot access wrap around childcare for DC1). I get up early in the morning, have 4 school runs a day (children are at different schools and DC1's special school is only a mile from home so no transport). I commute then each way at least one hour to work. When we finally come home around 4, both kids are hungry and tired, house work, cooking, cleaning et DC1 doesn't sleep well, I am up multiple times at night.

I am just exhausted after more than a decade. I totally get why someone would.want to be a Sahm. I do. won't ever happen though.

How old are your DC OP? I've always had the impression that when you've got little ones, however you arrange things it is just bloody hard work.

Have you done all the sums on take home pay plus reduced costs if you drop a day? Ignore me if you have, but often it's more affordable than people realise given the way the tax system works.

I am giving my job up at Christmas. It means our lifestyle will be drastically different but I have the rest of my life to work but only a certain amount of years to be a mum.

I am giving up all my luxuries just to be with my baby everyday and I cannot wait. I suppose it’s about sacrifices and whether you are willing to make them.

I have felt the same way in similar circumstances. We had planned for me to stay at home with any children we had but due to DH being made redundant while I was on maternity leave, I had to go back to work for seven months between my two maternity leaves. After my second one, he was in work and so I handed my notice in and stayed home as originally planned. I've seen it from both sides and although some things about working were great like not having to constantly watch your colleagues in case they climbed and tumbled off the furniture/emptied the stationery cupboard, mixed up the contents and weed on them/drew all over themselves with a sharpie and getting lunch breaks where you can eat uninterrupted by food and drink missiles, spillage and emergency visits to the loo, I really do prefer staying at home with my sons and doing all the things you mention in your post.

I'm sorry that the choice isn't there for you and really wish that you unexpectedly do have the opportunity to experience it at some point if it's something you'd enjoy.

Problem is dawn my role is quite senior (get me!) and I couldn’t do it part time. Well, I could, but they wouldn’t let me.

Plus, FT nursery placements and four days a week are only marginally different.

It's down to the individual if they enjoy either though.
If you like being with people, you may be lonely. If you like your own/ dc company then you probably won't be.

If you have lots of interests and hobbies, and imagination, it probably isn't boring.
If you are used to your time being managed by an employer and set routines, you may feel bored when these have gone.

If you identify yourself as your job you may lose your identity.
If you identify yourself in other ways, you might not lose your identity.

It's horses for courses and what you want to do.
It's also your mindset, I hear what a privilege to be a sahm, I don't find it privileged at all, just normal when you have kids. Somebody has to look after them and a parent is free childcare.

OP I'd swap with you in a heartbeat I wish every day I could still have my old job (& most importantly my own money)

Ah it's practically impossible? Ignore me then.

Would the same be true for your partner, if you have one? You might find life easier if someone else were in the house a bit more, even if it isn't you.

It's all very individual. Like others have said it's nice to have the luxury of the choice and being able to choose what is right for you and your family. I'm struggling with making a complete career change at the moment which should benefit us all in the long run. I don't think I could ever not have an income of my own and be a SAHP. I found my mat leave really hard work. I couldn't wait to put mine into nursery and then run to work and have a hot cup of tea in peace! 🙊

Being a SAHP is utterly boring.

Not for everyone. I was working in my dream job and fully intended going back to work after having my baby. However I was diagnosed with an acute onset of a debilitating auto immune disease immediately after my daughter was born and was very ill for almost a year before my condition was under control. I had no choice but to be a SAHM and I bloody loved it. My company offered me my job back when my daughter was three, initially as a consultant. I know not everyone is as fortunate to be in the position of being handed their old job back.

Pretty straightforward really, if you have a stressful or mind numbing job (which to be honest, many people do), then being a SAHP must seem like bliss.

If, on the other hand, you long for adult conversation but instead spend your days surrounded by babies, toddlers and drudgery, then I'm sure work is appealing!

Is it a case of the grass seeming greener though? I must admit, I wouldn’t have wanted to give up my career completely, but I was fortunate being able to drop to 3 days and then step back up to full time when my youngest started school.

I think there’s pros and cons with anything... yes it would have been nice not to have to bf a baby and then get up at silly o’clock to do the childcare drop off on wet winter mornings. But on the other hand (speaking as someone at the other end of my career, now I’m in my fifties and my children are all adults) I’m very glad I had the opportunities and experiences and achievements of work. I’ve seen too many women who step out of the workplace for a length of time really struggle to get back in at their former level. Or worse, very capable women who end up living vicariously through their children because they have a drive to achieve but aren’t channeling it through their own work life....

Another big plus as far as I’m concerned is that it invariably makes the roles more balanced between partners when you’re both sharing the earning load and the domestic load.

It’s tough if you don’t feel your work life balance is as you’d like it to be OP, and it sounds as though you’d rather not be working full time at the moment. But honestly, in the long run of things you’ll get through the tough bit and you’ll see that there are lots of positives about having your work life secure

I’m a SAHM
It has it advantages for sure. However, it’s not an idyllic dream
House work all falls on me, as does all the cooking, running around and kids activities. I’m exhausted and lonely and full of financial stress

I work 3 days and I think it's a good balance. There is still quite a lot of rushing around though but that's mainly because we've made life difficult for ourselves by having work/home/school not particularly close to each other!!

We could manage on DH wage and me be SAHM but we'd have to cut back a lot. Personally I'd rather have a better lifestyle and work.

I may increase back up to 4/5 days when the kids are at school, but would have hated full time when they were / are small.

It's hard either way I'm afraid. I stopped working "temporarily" due to poor mental health. 7 years ago. I now have 3 (2 when worked) and they are all at school now.

It can be very isolating, I have received snide comments: what do you DO all day, how can you be tired you don't WORK. Etc. I could go on.

I can go from school drop to pick up and not speak to a soul some days, because friends work.

It has however made the organisation of family life easy as pee. Holidays, sickness are never an issue for us which I appreciate IS incredibly lucky. If I ever ask about having some "me" time folks don't think I need nor deserve it. But there is only so much housework a gal can do before i sometimes feel a bit worthless.

The grass is always greener etc. I am looking casually for some work from home more to stimulate my addled brain.

It's 6 and 2x3. The other side of the coin always seems shinier but both have negatives.

Sorrywhat

You may find that all your luxuries won't have to go. It costs a fortune to go to work, and when you are at home you can bargain hunt.
I rarely spend full price on anything, whereas my friends that work don't get the chance, they just have to pay whatever their weekly shop costs. One week I worked out I saved £15 just shopping canny.
There's £60 a month saved already

I don’t think it’s that straight forward. Your job might be stressful or mind numbing but you get paid, pension contributions, National insurance contributions, annual leave, sick leave, death in service benefits, potentially private healthcare etc.

You retain and gain skills, experience and keep up with technology advances and changes in culture/ practise. Even if it’s day to day stress a SAHM offers none of that, even if you enjoy your days

It’s not as fun as it sounds.
I was a sahm for 9 years and while it was great for the family it was rubbish for me.

I lost all my career prospects. Dh now has a big company thanks to my constant support in childcare, but he’s so far gone in to it that he struggles to take any time out to look after the kids when I need him to. All housework and cooking has historically been done by me.

Basically made a rod for my own back and now that I’ve returned to work I’m having to push them in to doing jobs that I shouldn’t have to be doing. Everyone is used to me doing everything.