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AIBU?

To wish I could be a SAHM

302 replies

iwouldbuyyouadress · 13/11/2019 13:10

There is no way that this will ever happen. Even going part time is not an option.

But ah to not have to be charging around at 5:30 in the morning. To get home in the daylight. To see my child’s teacher. To not have to be cramming everything into the weekends. To attend baby and toddler groups with youngest and have ‘mum friends.’

Won’t happen.

Nice to think about though.

OP posts:
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WhatsInAName19 · 14/11/2019 16:42

Well they’re not getting the play doh out that’s for sure 🤣 they’re not going up to their room and emptying all their storage units on the floor because they’re looking for their babies special swimsuit or because they’re bored of uno. They’re not tearing apart the house on a play date dressing up as princesses.... ah pre schoolers

This is bizarre. One year olds absolutely do all of this stuff. I mean mine wasn't able to access the stairs alone but everything else on that list she did, and much more besides.

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Passthecherrycoke · 14/11/2019 16:47

You allow your one year old to access the play doh unsupervised? I’m even stricter than i thought

I didn’t allow my one year old To stay in rooms alone for more than a few minutes. Maybe longer if they were contained in some equipment. So if they made mess it was containable to that room

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WhatsInAName19 · 14/11/2019 16:53

She was never unsupervised with play doh. When did I say that? We can slavishly stick to your list if you like, but I thought you were giving examples rather than an exhaustive list?

You obviously have a different attitude to lots of parents RE mess and acceptable levels. You have acknowledged that. All fine. What is baffling is the way you have implied that 1 year olds don't make any mess. Of course they do. Some of them are very nearly 2. They are twice as old as the newly-turned-1 babies and they are extremely active, extreme capable and often fiercely independent. Mine could empty the sideboard drawers all over the lounge in the 2 minutes it took me to make a cup of tea or a sandwich for her lunch. I wasn't just sunbathing in the garden while she destroyed my home FFS 🙄

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BatleyTownswomensGuild · 14/11/2019 16:55

I hear you, OP!

For the first couple of years after DS was born I definitely wanted to be in work. However, 4 years of pay freezes, 3 restructures and a massive increase in workload later and I'm genuinely thinking of jacking it in to be a SAHM.

I'm sure there are days when it's rubbish. I'm sure there will be times when I'm bored and lonely. But I miss DS and the professional satisfaction of my doing my job is definitely not compensating for time missed.

(Sayings that, I appreciate that for many Mums working is a necessity and not a choice. And that sucks too.)

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Passthecherrycoke · 14/11/2019 16:58

Of course I haven’t implied they don’t make any mess. I’ve said they make different levels of mess, are allowed to access different things by their parents and therefore being a sAHM equalling such a traumatic level of mess isn’t a given. I thought that was quite clear. I don’t do a lot more tidying now than I did when I worked full time.

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WhatsInAName19 · 14/11/2019 17:04

I find that my DD actually makes a lot less mess now she is older. Your examples don't paint a different picture than was my reality of having a 1 year old. Obviously other PPs too. Your experience is not THE experience.

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RoseHippy1 · 14/11/2019 17:11

The entirety of my point was that A stay at home parent doesn’t necessarily have more time to do house work than a working parent.

I cannot leave my two young Children alone together unsupervised for even a split second. I do all house work in the evenings / into the night just as I did when I was working, if there was an alternative I wouldn’t be doing this as I desperately need my sleep… But there is no alternative there is simply no opportunity during the day.

We all have different children, different husbands, different jobs, different setups… So it’s not right to assume anything about anybody else’s life or how easy they have it whether they are working or not

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RoseHippy1 · 14/11/2019 17:12

And before anybody suggest that I cannot leave the toddler in front of the television and put the baby in a sling to do housework… The baby is heavy and it doesn’t work and the toddler just screams and tries to follow me !

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Bumpitybumper · 14/11/2019 17:14

@Passthecherrycoke
But it doesn’t mean all SAHMs deal with the daily mess you describe, and that’s my only point
In your example you are dealing with all the same mess but in a different way i.e. tidying up immediately after an activity has been completed. Of course, this will mean that you won't have lots of mess to tidy up at the end of the day but it could also be pretty inefficient if the children wanted to keep going back to the same toys that have been dutifully put away each play session. Obviously with painting or play doh you wouldn't necessarily want to repeat that activity multiple times a day, but small world play toys for example are a different case and I wonder if you restrict their usage as I can imagine tidying up after each game could get annoying?

I do actually broadly agree with you though that tidying as with most aspects of being a SAHP are what you make of them. A massive factor is how child led you want to be and how much time and energy you want to devote to the children versus getting chores done. Someone that focuses heavily on the former could easily have far more domestic chores to do after "normal working hours" than a WOHP. Children create mess and the more they're around the more mess they will create. Tidying up immediately after them does not negate this fact. They will be using toilets and sinks more, touching cupboards and surfaces and generally just moving stuff around. If you haven't used the daytime hours to get ahead on chores or do any household admin then obviously you will be no better off. It's all about priorities really and what's important to you. That's why it's impossible to say SAHMs have it easier as there is no job description and no universal acceptance as to what sits inside and outside of the role's remit. If you think being a good SAHM involves two outdoor activities a day and as much child led play and interaction as your child would like then you are hardly going to be a domestic goddess as well.

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MustardScreams · 14/11/2019 17:20

@WhatsInAName19 alright Jesus!

I get it. I’m a single mother with a very full on job and a dd. I don’t have anyone to do pickups or drop offs or take time off of dd is ill.

Don’t be so fucking snappy, you’re not the only one that struggles.

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Passthecherrycoke · 14/11/2019 19:40

“ I wonder if you restrict their usage as I can imagine tidying up after each game could get annoying?”


Yes, if you read my original post that was my entire point Grin I didn’t think it was that hard to understand tbf.
I also have one child who doesn’t really like playing, maybe because we don’t do much of it maybe because she had enough of it at nursery. We go out most of the day. Either way, as you say, being a sAHM doesn’t equal loads of tidying up by default.

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Christmasaroundthecorner · 14/11/2019 19:42

I'm a mum of only one who is at secondary school now.

I haven't worked since he was born.
Yes, I sacrificed my own career to accommodate the power-earner’s schedule but no regrets.

It can be very boring at times though but life runs very smoothly and is easier, no doubts about it.

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TheSoapyFrog · 14/11/2019 20:02

I've found being a SAHM to be soul destroying.

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Whitejotter · 14/11/2019 20:08

I've found being a SAHM to be soul destroying. How long did you do it for?

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Thripp · 14/11/2019 20:23

@WhatsInAName19 I suppose right now I'm just taking the risk because I think the benefits outweigh the downfalls

This thread is, weirdly, making me cry.

Because I still believe that the benefits for my DC (but not for me) of me being a SAHM until they were young teenagers outweighs the downfalls of XH leaving me more or less destitute now. It's horrendous now. I have a PhD and had a stellar career before DC and now - the ultimate failure - am failing to get cleaning jobs. I never wanted this for any of us. But I smile and pretend to the DC that it's all fine, when it really isn't.

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Curtainly · 14/11/2019 20:27

@Thripp you are not a failure, the job market can be tough; and cleaning jobs are actually harder to get here than others. What is your PhD in? Even though it sounds like it was a while ago, is still absolutely demonstrates your capabilities and transferable skills.

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HairyToity · 14/11/2019 20:29

I work part-time. I couldn't cope with full-time. I think I'd enjoy being SAHM, but worry about finances.

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matcatwomanheresheis · 14/11/2019 20:41

I’m a mum of four and I haven’t worked in 16 years. The youngest has just started senior school and this is indeed a revelation as finally no more school runs after 12 years! I did have over a decade with at least one child with me at ALL times, so I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever about having me time and headspace these days. I’m never bored because I truly value my time. I have many friends in similar positions and we’re in London so I’ve never felt isolated. I have a cleaner twice a week for about 5 hours a time, but I do things she doesn’t do like change the beds and the laundry. I don’t do much ironing now as I send DH’s shirts out. School uniforms are fine out of the drier usually. I do cook dinner if DH is coming home and I do try and make an effort. If he’s not home, we might well order Deliveroo Blush because I get fed up of the kids fussiness and them all wanting different things. There are weeks when DH is overseas with work. Other days he doesn’t work at all as he’s stepping back from his company (or trying to). He has various hobbies that take him away too, probably several times a month, but I’m fine about this because he deserves it and I get my time in my way. In 45 now and probably going to do another MA next year with a view to working for myself part-time with that qualification (I have ten years experience in this field pre- DC), but I’m just weighing up if it will all be too much as one DC will be doing GCSE that year and another A-levels. But then maybe there’s always going to be something, so I should just do it? Anyway, I’ve no regrets really, but I think if I lived in an isolated place I couldn’t have coped. DH is not weird about money and everything is just there as family money for all, but if he was one of these that gave me fixed amounts I couldn’t have been doing with that. I’ve done some property renovations over the years which were profitable, yet stressful. His businesses and career have done extremely well. I don’t claim credit for his success - he is extremely focused to the point of workaholic- but he couldn’t have done all that and had 4 DC to boot. He’s not been held back at all. I’d say he’s Exhibit A of the “facilitated man” that someone mentioned earlier. But to be honest, we’ve all done well out if it. I can now see that it paid off in the end because were financially more prosperous as a result of this role division and it’s all in the interests of paying for the schools and the kids’ futures ultimately. That’s what it’s all been about. I never really thought about me and DH just did what he felt he needed to do. We never really discussed it tbh, which seems strange now when I think of it. Life just kind of happened, I suppose. He is trying to simplify his business interests now and take more backseat roles because he’s almost 50. Anyway, what I would say is that being a SAHM is not for everyone, but also it can be absolutely fine for all concerned, as long as you respect each other.

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Thripp · 14/11/2019 20:43

Curtainly, that is so kind of you. It is in the most ridiculous and useless subject, namely Mediaeval French. I was a university lecturer in said subject until I had DC1 18 years ago. At the time, there was no opportunity to 'keep my hand in'. And, I think, I was possibly a bit militant about the importance of being a SAHM.

In retrospect, I was so very wrong.

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Curtainly · 14/11/2019 20:49

@Thripp depending what you are looking for, would you consider working in a library? I know it sounds a cliche maybe, but I worked in libraries all through university (both academic and public) and loved it. In public there were quite a few members of staff for whom it was their first job for a decade or so. It isn't a direct use of your PhD, but if you are near a university it would probably be an asset that you are familiar with the environment- there are always vacancies here.

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Thripp · 14/11/2019 21:10

Curtainly, no, I hadn't thought of that. I am in a university town, and would 100 percent consider this. I love books (have about 5,000 of the buggers) and used to volunteer in my children's junior school library. I will investigate further. Thank you for suggesting!

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LisaSimpsonsbff · 14/11/2019 21:29

In generall, Thribb, if you live in a university town then I think that would be a key place for you to look for work. University admin (especially at lower grades - which still pays better than cleaning) is usually very female and so part-time working is common, and in my experience they put more weight in 'useless' academic qualifications than most employers (they sort of have to, as otherwise it throws everything they're doing into question!). Every university I've worked in has had loads of professional services staff with PhDs - I'm now one too (ex-academic, went into professional services for lots of reasons but partially better life-work balance after having DS)

Universities also often have loads of fixed-term work going, which can be a good way to get a foot in the door.

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Thripp · 14/11/2019 22:01

Lisa, thank you. That is really kind of you. It also gives me a bit of hope! I am sure I have been out of academia for too long now to be able to teach anyone anything - but being at home with my DC when they were small was an immense privilege, and I'd take anything at all 18 years on. I'll look at the local university website and see what's on offer.

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Emmapeeler1 · 18/11/2019 20:19

@Thripp I did French at university and I don’t think your PhD is useless at all Smile As a pp said you would be ideal to work at a university, or alternatively you could work at a local authority where there are many of us with academic backgrounds which have nothing to do with what we are doing! You have many transferable skills that would be snapped up.

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Frouby · 18/11/2019 20:32

I have done both. Both are hard. Both have advantages and disadvantages.

I now work from home. We have our own business and it's flexible but still a certain amount needs doing each week. And I earn extra money matched betting. So I cam do the school runs, parents evenings, dentist appointments etc. Which is ideal. But there are drawbacks too, like no real financial independence as the business is tied to dh as much as me, no pension or sick pay. No one else to cover when I am ill. I had ds at 11.45am by elcs. Did a pay run at 3pm as we were waiting for money to go in and had to pay the lads. So yeah, no proper maternity leave etc.

I still rush around in a morning, still get stressed, still can go days with only speaking to people on the school run til dh come in at 6pm etc.

Unless you are independently wealthy I don't think there is a perfect life balance. Everyone is generally looking at next doors grass and wanting it to some extent. I love my set up but am also starting a degree next year to retrain.

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