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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex taking child on holiday

345 replies

Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 09:33

My ex husband has custody (residency order) of our 9 year old son which was ordered by the court after a lengthy court battle. I have recently found out that my ex & his wife are taking my son and their children out of school for 2 weeks to go to Disneyland. I have spoken to my ex to express my disapproval about taking him out of school however his response is that as he is resident parent he legally has the right to take our son abroad for up to 4 weeks without my written permission. I have checked the order that was issued by the court and to be fair it does state that but I do have a big problem with him taking him during term time so my question is should I apply for a pso to try to prevent my son being taken on holiday during term time? Any advice please

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/11/2019 10:30

Tbh he's not the first child to dislike his step father and want to move out and he won't be the last.

But it's extremely unusual at the age of 7 to make that decision.

Generally speaking, it's more of a teen thing.

AlternativePerspective · 13/11/2019 10:31

Folks,OP has stated she has DC with her partner. He's not just a boyfriend and was she supposed to split her younger children away from their dad?! yes. If the partner is so bad that Cafcas and the courts have agreed to remove a then seven year old from his mother’s custody and to his father then I’d say he probably isn’t a great father to the other children either and I would be getting rid, more children or not.

Anyone (man or woman) who puts their partner ahead of their children to the extent they’re prepared to lose access and be granted minimal contact needs to take a long hard look at themselves and their parenting which has been found lacking before they are fit to question the parenting of someone else.

I wouldn’t personally remove a child in term time and I wouldn’t be happy if my ex wanted to do it, but objecting in this case just sounds like spite and bitterness on the OP’s part.

We see posts here all the time from RP’s who want to take the kids abroad and the NRP trying to block them and the answer is always the same, that the NRP wants to control them.... This is no different.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/11/2019 10:31

2 weeks wont make a shit of difference really will it? he is 9. He wont be missing anything that important, and he can always catch up on it.

Unfortunately its your ex's decision and I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/11/2019 10:34

Your son already doesn’t want to live with you and prefers his dad and his partner. So any interference in a holiday to Disneyland would probably be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. Don’t punish him because you chose your DP over him.

adaline · 13/11/2019 10:36

OP has explained that there’s a court order, so she hasn’t chose not to see her son, she sees him a lot more than what some fathers see their children.

But it's extremely unusual for the courts to decide that it's in the best interest of a 9yo to live away from his mum. I think there has to be more to this than what the OP is disclosing here.

Doyoumind · 13/11/2019 10:37

I think people are being unnecessarily unkind to the OP. She has children with her partner so it's not a case of getting rid of him to please her son

Also, for those who were querying it, if there's a court order stating residency the RP can take the child out of the country for 28 days without permission from NRP. Where there is no residency order permission is required. NRP in theory always requires permission.

JacquesHammer · 13/11/2019 10:37

Go to your ex with issues he can sort.

“I’m concerned about the school work he will miss, how are you going to minimise that”

Doyoumind · 13/11/2019 10:39

Why does it matter why the son doesn't live with OP? That's not what she was asking about. Why the investigation into her and accusations? It's all rather unpleasant.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 13/11/2019 10:40

Sounds like you chose your DP over your son so...

Let your child have his holiday.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/11/2019 10:40

I think that it would be petty to stop the holiday. Maybe ask for assurance it won't be a regular thing?

IDontEvenHaveAPla · 13/11/2019 10:42

Your ex sounds like a very reasonable man who has taken into consideration the time you will be missing with your son and has offered you more dates.

You say you didn’t choose your partner over your son but evidently you did. Your child at such a young age decided to state he didn’t wish to live with you and chose his dad, doesn’t that say a lot to you? Children so young don’t often speak up like this. Furthermore, the fact the court has issued such conditions on you says a lot too.

Your ex sounds like a good father and they are providing your son with a stable and positive family life.

I honestly feel it all stems from jealousy on your part, but I suggest you stop looking for ways to be difficult and actually do your best by your son and put him first. As mentioned before, if his schooling is seriously that much of a concern, go be proactive and find out what they’re doing and ensure he catches up during your time.

Lovemusic33 · 13/11/2019 10:42

OP didn’t come on here to discus why her son doesn’t live with her full time, she came on to ask about the father taking him out of school for 2 weeks to go to Disney land. Do we need to know what went on? Fathers are just as capable of being the main parent as a mother is and it’s not that unusual for a child to live with their father. No need to be so horrible to OP.

LochJessMonster · 13/11/2019 10:43

had them do work while we are abroad Yeah I'm sure that will happen... Good luck getting a child to do work whilst at Disneyland Hmm

I agree with you op, no need to take him out of school for 2 whole week for a holiday. I would write to the school, say you want it noted that although you cannot stop them going, you did not give permission for the unauthorised absence. That way you may be covered for not paying the fine.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 13/11/2019 10:43

If he hadn’t missed any school time since reception due to holidays I wouldn’t see an issue with this especially if it is around Christmas time, but if you do have a issue with it have a word with his father and make sure he knows you don’t agree to him missing term time and are worried he may repeat this every year with DS, and also have a word with his father to see if the school are willing to set him some work before he is on his trip, if not most schools in the uk have great parent to teacher apps now where work could be passed through that while they are away or speak with his father and your DS to see if they are happy for him to miss this holiday and go there with just you during half term and you take him there instead so he doesn’t miss the opportunity because from what you have said here causing this issue between you and his father now really isn’t going to do any favours for your relationship with your son and thus also causing much more detrimental effect on his education than the holiday

Mulhollandmagoo · 13/11/2019 10:43

These kinds of holidays/experiences in addition to school make for well rounded children! And at 9 it won't be massively detrimental so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Going against the grain I understand why your ex has chosen to have this holiday in term time as it's so so expensive!

Booboostwo · 13/11/2019 10:45

I think you should do noting this time but if your Ex makes a habit of taking your DS on holiday during term time you should talk to him about it. If he ignores you maybe approaching the school to see if they can reiterate the point that school attendance is important before taking legal action.

asnugglysnerd · 13/11/2019 10:46

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you planned to take your 9 year old out of school to go to Disneyland, would you have such an objection?

Preventing a holiday is mean. I would express your concern, speak with the school to say you are not supporting this, and perhaps copy the council in too, but I don't think it will help. He is entitled to take his son on holiday. Probably shouldn't be in term time, but as you have said, it hasn't been in term time before so there is no indication this will become a regular occurrence.

I don't want to overstep, but it is interesting that he has said to CAFCASS he wants to live with his dad as he doesn't like your partner... Would you not have reconsidered that relationship to allow your son to continue living with you? I don't know the ins and outs, so I wouldn't like to judge that situation, but it seems like priorities are slightly amiss...

Novemberblu3s · 13/11/2019 10:47

I suppose there is a back story. It's still pretty unusual to not get custody these days as a mum and you clearly fought for it.

are you sure you are not just a bit bitter?

I agree, education is important but missing out once 2 weeks to go to Disneyland is not such a big deal. just let them enjoy it.

IDontEvenHaveAPla · 13/11/2019 10:47

To those saying OP didn’t come to discuss XYZ, it all actually ties into her issue. Evidently she has to take into consideration what the courts have issued and also what would be best for her son.

If OP was a father presenting this situation he would have had harsher posts than what the OP has.

It’s apparent that the ex is a good father and his new partner is also helping provide a good family life to her son.

Nothing the OP has said makes any sense, at 9, he won’t truly be missing much and if she really was concerned she could ensure he catches up on any work.

It just comes across as a jealous person who wants to cause an issue for whatever reason. By her own admission her ex has never taken the child on holiday during term time before despite taking him on yearly holidays.

StoppinBy · 13/11/2019 10:47

2 weeks out of school at 9 years old - no problem in my mind at all.

If you take this away from him then IMO that is just mean and a shitty thing to do.

Do you even remember what you learned at 9? Some reading, writing and basic math ought to cover it while he is away.

adaline · 13/11/2019 10:48

Why does it matter why the son doesn't live with OP?

Of course the reason matters, because it explains the backstory and gives people more of an insight into what's going on.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2019 10:49

You want to stop your son going to Disneyland? Don't be an asshole

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2019 10:50

Fathers are just as capable of being the main parent as a mother is and it’s not that unusual for a child to live with their father.

Yes it is.

It's also unusual for a 7 year old child to make that decision and for the courts and CAFCASS to agree.

Doyoumind · 13/11/2019 10:50

People don't need to know the whole backstory. The OP has given enough detail but people have asked for more and more. The question is about whether it's reasonable to take a child out of school term time. It doesn't require a full inquisition.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 10:53

I’m not an asshole! I was asking for advice, of course there is a backstory but I don’t need to go into that my son lives with his father and that is that. I am not jealous or bitter and my ex and I are amicable and I get on with his wife I am just concerned about my son’s education now and in the future

OP posts: