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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex taking child on holiday

345 replies

Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 09:33

My ex husband has custody (residency order) of our 9 year old son which was ordered by the court after a lengthy court battle. I have recently found out that my ex & his wife are taking my son and their children out of school for 2 weeks to go to Disneyland. I have spoken to my ex to express my disapproval about taking him out of school however his response is that as he is resident parent he legally has the right to take our son abroad for up to 4 weeks without my written permission. I have checked the order that was issued by the court and to be fair it does state that but I do have a big problem with him taking him during term time so my question is should I apply for a pso to try to prevent my son being taken on holiday during term time? Any advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
Aimee75 · 14/11/2019 09:07

I did not threaten my ex with court I asked for advice about whether I should go to court. If my ex continues to remove our son from school for holidays then it may be a real possibility. I don’t know about holidays next year yet, I have nothing booked but it’s likely I’ll do something

OP posts:
Tminus3days · 14/11/2019 09:16

OP I went away a lot as child (UK breaks), I probably had 2 or 3 one week breaks a year in term time in primary school. I also had a couple of weeks off in secondary school. I now have an undergraduate and postgraduate masters in a science subject. I honestly don't think it had a negative impact on my education. Please just let your son go and if he needs help from you catching up then you should help him as this isn't about your ex, it's about your son.

chomalungma · 14/11/2019 16:18

TBH then - if you aren't expected to do extra over the summer holidays because of this and there's not extra cost to you, then there's no real issue in going abroad for 2 weeks.

It's going to do no harm at such a young age. I am sure they will enjoy it.

Footiefan2019 · 14/11/2019 16:55

So your arrangement stays the same during holidays OP? Who cares for your son at his dads when his dad is working, or is childcare used and at who’s expense ?

prh47bridge · 14/11/2019 16:58

I honestly don't think it had a negative impact on my education

It is, of course, impossible to tell whether absence has had a negative effect on a particular individual as there is no way of knowing what they would have achieved. What we do know is that there is a clear correlation between unauthorised term-time holidays and performance. I'm not saying the OP should try to stop this particular holiday. She doesn't appear inclined to do so. But, in my view, she should certainly try if it becomes a regular occurrence.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 14/11/2019 17:26

The contact arrangements stay the same throughout summer hols and my ex takes off as much time as he needs to plus his wife doesn’t work

OP posts:
chomalungma · 14/11/2019 17:52

What we do know is that there is a clear correlation between unauthorised term-time holidays and performance. I'm not saying the OP should try to stop this particular holiday

Have you got any evidence for that?

There is evidence that absence from school affects performance. But I haven't seen any evidence to suggest that absence due to term time holidays affects performance. It could well be that other absences due to regular truancy have much more of an impact compared to a 2 week break with a pupil who may well have a perfect attendance record apart from that.

GnomeDePlume · 15/11/2019 06:02

chomalungma I agree. I would expect that missing maths every Monday for 10 weeks in a row would have far more of an impact than missing 10 days across the whole of the curriculum.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/11/2019 06:50

Two weeks off school will make absolutely fuck all difference. I used to take my kids out of school every year for two weeks and both kids have done fabulous in their GCSE results, talking 7, 8, & grades.

happycamper11 · 17/11/2019 09:59

I'm regretting coming back to this thread. The updates have made me so sad. The reasons for him living with his dad are awful and the op then justifies not having any extra time in the holidays because the boys fathers wife does not work Confused. It's not really her responsibility is it but I'm glad for the boys sake that one parent and step parent are putting the boys needs over their own. Then with all these circumstances to consider blocking a trip to Disneyland. How would you even explain that to him. How awful 😔

Original poster
Aimee75 · 17/11/2019 16:08

I’m regretting it now too! I’m unclear why everyone thinks that it is such a problem that he lives with his Father? He has been present throughout his life and has PR and I do see my son on a regular basis

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/11/2019 16:12

Nobody thinks its a priblem he lives with his father, people think that the circumstances under which he went to ive with his father are the problem along with the limited contact you have with him.

Lovemenorca · 17/11/2019 16:13

You’re channeling your energy in to this side issue
When the real issue is that your son spend the massive amount of his life with his father, as court ordered, which is very very unusual and there must be a substantial back story.

So I feel that you feel like your being an involved engaged parent by being so hung up about this.

But it would seem perhaps like too little too late?

adaline · 17/11/2019 16:19

I’m unclear why everyone thinks that it is such a problem that he lives with his Father?

That's not the problem at all Hmm

People are upset because of the circumstances involved, but you seem to be totally oblivious to the problems you've caused.

spanglydangly · 17/11/2019 17:52

I think people are upset that you put a man ahead of your child, what about if your ex had taken the same stance?

I suppose that it's the social norm that mothers put their children ahead of everything and anyone.

You also made it sound like he'd won because he had a good lawyer, which was clearly not the situation .

heartsonacake · 17/11/2019 18:15

I’m unclear why everyone thinks that it is such a problem that he lives with his Father?

The problem, OP, is that your partner made your son feel so unwelcome and uncomfortable in his own home with his mother that he made the decision on his own at such a young age that he just couldn’t live there anymore.

You were selfish and put your partner ahead of your son, and even now you just don’t even seem to care.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 18/11/2019 07:11

I've not said anything up until now, but just when I thought it couldn't get much worse..... you're "unclear" why everyone is piling into you? Is this a joke?

You chose your new bloke and stepdaughter over your own 7 yr old son and made him feel unwanted in his own home, to the extent he chose to move in with his dad. You've shown no remorse for picking your bloke over your child and don't seem bothered by the fact he was so "strict" he made your son want to move out. Your child comes first every time. Every time. No exceptions. Just in case it's still "unclear", this is what everyone has the problem with.

The court didn't award your ex residential custody because he had a barrister and you didn't. They awarded him custody because you put a bloke before the well-being of your child. Even now on this thread you're still making excuses and not accepting culpability for your actions.

I'm done with you girl. I hope your son has a bloody marvellous time with his dad, he really deserves it.

TitianaTitsling · 18/11/2019 19:49

Where does your son stay on his contact time with you? Is his room and bed still the same as when he left and had to share with your partner's child? Why did he have to share and not her actual half siblings? Or has all trace of him been removed from it?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/11/2019 19:58

Your DS lives with his dad. Whilst taking him out of school is not ideal leave him to sort that with the school himself. Or not. You have been unwilling/unable to prioritise your son. Leave this issue alone. You would be spiteful to bring this to Court.

Novemberblu3s · 18/11/2019 20:06

I am a bit puzzled why the OP could not be bothered to put her own DS's needs about those of her new partner to the effect that DS felt the need to leave his home yet she is hugely bothered about 2 weeks of loss of schooling (because dad wants to take him to an amazing holiday). just odd.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 20/11/2019 12:43

I’ve just returned to this thread & I cannot understand why there is so much vitriol toward me? I wasn’t asking for any approval or opinions regarding my sons living arrangements nor have I gone into very much detail as to why they are as they are as it’s nobodies business except mine and my ex husbands; I was simply asking for advice concerning my ex taking my son out of school for holidays. Thank you to those who have given advice concerning the actual question.

OP posts:
SuperMeerkat · 20/11/2019 12:47

You chose your partner over your son! No way would I do that. Let’s hope he sticks around because your son will never forget that ☹️

Original poster
Aimee75 · 20/11/2019 12:50

I have 3 other children with my partner! My som chose to live with his father and it was discussed over many months, am I supposed to tell my children that I’m kicking there father out because he doesn’t get on with one child after it had been amicably decided?! There’s something wrong if anyone agrees with that

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 20/11/2019 12:53

I think some of it stems from your saying it was due to your ex having a barrister and you having to defend yourself, to then saying it was because your new partner was over strict and having to share a bedroom with his daughter.

I'm afraid people will take a dim view, whilst this happens a lot to fathers and they don't have PR, it's still very unusual for this to happen to a mother.

losingthepl0t · 20/11/2019 12:55

I have 3 other children with my partner! My som chose to live with his father and it was discussed over many months, am I supposed to tell my children that I’m kicking there father out because he doesn’t get on with one child

I actually think this would have been the right thing to do. Your DS felt he had to leave because of your new partner. I will never understand why parents chose a partner over their young child.