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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex taking child on holiday

345 replies

Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 09:33

My ex husband has custody (residency order) of our 9 year old son which was ordered by the court after a lengthy court battle. I have recently found out that my ex & his wife are taking my son and their children out of school for 2 weeks to go to Disneyland. I have spoken to my ex to express my disapproval about taking him out of school however his response is that as he is resident parent he legally has the right to take our son abroad for up to 4 weeks without my written permission. I have checked the order that was issued by the court and to be fair it does state that but I do have a big problem with him taking him during term time so my question is should I apply for a pso to try to prevent my son being taken on holiday during term time? Any advice please

OP posts:
EllieJayie · 13/11/2019 11:28

You are entitled to object assuming you have parental responsibility since the local authority, if they choose to do so, can fine both parents so that would include you as well as your ex. It'd be worth calling them to discuss this.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 11:30

Yes I do have PR

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 13/11/2019 11:32

I don't agree with taking kids out in term time for more than the odd day. Maybe try to discuss with ex, say you afraid of him falling behind etc n can he reassure you than this won't become a regular thing especially as he goes to sec school etc. Thing is if it's now booked & you try to stop it you risk further alienating your Ds. How will he feel as his dad & step siblings head off to Disney without him? Its really tough & I feel for you but I don't think u should stop it now.

Bibidy · 13/11/2019 11:37

You are entitled to object assuming you have parental responsibility since the local authority, if they choose to do so, can fine both parents so that would include you as well as your ex. It'd be worth calling them to discuss this

I would not do this. OP you've said you've got no worries that your ex will pay any ensuing fine so why stir the pot just for the sake of it?

You could potentially lead to the cancellation of the holiday OR, more likely, you will lead to your own son being the only one missing out and having to be told it's because you objected.

It's just not worth it. It will rock the boat massively and the only person to get hurt will be your son.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2019 11:40

and the only person to get hurt will be your son.

Exactly. Don't hurt your own child just to try to get one up on your ex.

Doggodogington · 13/11/2019 11:41

Sounds like you are being deliberately spiteful. Two weeks out of school at age 9 won’t affect his schooling much. Lots of schools will send worksheets home for him to take on holiday. Don’t deprive your son of a holiday of a lifetime because of bitterness.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 11:42

I do agree with most of the comments, I won’t stop him going away, I just fear that now my ex has ‘actual’ residency he can take him out of school whenever he likes without my approval, I am not trying to stop my son having a wonderful holiday as I love him and want him to enjoy the experiences his father provides just worried about his edu cation

OP posts:
Bibidy · 13/11/2019 11:43

I just fear that now my ex has ‘actual’ residency he can take him out of school whenever he likes without my approval

I understand that OP, and I think that's probably a conversation you need to have with your ex. You said you're amicable so I would just speak to him and say you're not pleased about your son being taken out of school and would like some assurances that this won't be regular.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/11/2019 11:45

I just fear that now my ex has ‘actual’ residency he can take him out of school whenever he likes without my approval

Well tell him that you're not happy that he's taking him out of school and that you don't want it to become a habit or you will report it in the future if it does

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 11:47

I can report it to the school however they go with whatever decision resident parent makes

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 13/11/2019 11:49

Your ex sounds like a reasonable man, I’m sure he cares just as much about your child’s education as you do.

Dilkhush · 13/11/2019 11:52

Opposing this will bring a shitstorm down on your head either now or in the future. He's only 9. Give him a cuddle and wish him a great holiday. Look at maps of Disney Florida together and let him share the excitement with you.

Face the battle of Secondary school holidays if/when it happens. Personally I'd never take a child out of school for a holiday so I know where you're coming from, but this is a lose-lose for you.

WTFdidwedo · 13/11/2019 11:52

There is one in California too to the person who asked but similarly to Paris, you wouldn't spend two weeks there. The difference in price in a 2 week family holiday to Florida in term time vs the holidays is about £3000, plus you fit more in as it's marginally quieter.

If you're so concerned for his education however, there are activities floating around the internet with school projects that can be completed in Disney as it's so common to take children out to go there.

OldEvilOwl · 13/11/2019 11:54

YABU

saraclara · 13/11/2019 11:54

I think that whatever you feel about him missing school, the harm done if you try to stop this will substantially outweigh any academic damage. It seems that you and your ex manage things amicably at the moment, so don't take risks with that.
But vastly more important is the damage it will do to your relationship with your son, if your actions prevent him going.

I think the best you can do, is register with the school that you do not agree with your ex's decision. Just so there a paper trail of a fine is imposed.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 11:57

Thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 13/11/2019 12:04

Do you take your son abroad? If it was me I'd feel very upset with myself that I wasn't able to offer my son the same experiences and being very openly honest, I'd probably want to try and sabotage it out of my own jealous, bitter self-loathing.... but in the end I'd have a word with myself and think I'm not going to spoil it for him, and if I do, he will probably never forgive me.

I think it's very disruptive to take kids out of school for that long no matter what their age but if he won't miss any important exam stuff then just let him go. I couldn't handle the resentment if it was me.

Cornishclio · 13/11/2019 12:07

We took our two daughters out of school for three weeks for a trip to Australia and Asia when they were in primary school but younger than your son. This was pre fines but we spoke to the school and got a tutor to cover the time missed after we got back. They kept a travel diary and the school were fine. He is primary so will soon catch up but maybe ask your ex to arrange tutoring for a few weeks after consulting teacher?

rwalker · 13/11/2019 12:22

I'd step away from this generally he should be able to catch up on his return
Sorry for the hardtime some people have given you on here .A man is never questioned why there mum has full custody .

Enko · 13/11/2019 12:24

@Collaborate & @prh47bridge Any chance of an actual legal opinion on this? I think op has a genuine concern and would like to know what the legal stance of this is.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 12:32

I don’t need legal advice the court has ruled and I accept that. Thanks all

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 13/11/2019 12:34

Isn't there a Disneyland in California Hearts?

Doyoumind It’s Disneyland Park in California, and there’s Hong Kong Disneyland and Tokyo Disneyland as well. However, as with Disneyland Paris, nobody is going to spend two weeks at any of them as none of them are a patch on WDW in terms of size, attractions, resorts, parks etc.

Especially for Brits, if they’re going to travel all the way to America for Disney, it’s most likely they’re going to WDW and not DL California due to the above.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 12:35

For anyone that wonders...I 100% thought I would get my son back however it was not to be. The court made the decision that he should live with his Father as that is what he told the court.

OP posts:
IDontEvenHaveAPla · 13/11/2019 12:35

@rwalker A man is never questioned? Um.. are you even familiar with this site and the bias against men? Let’s not kid ourselves.

Honestly, when it comes to women, there will always be some who will tell her she’s not wrong and sorry for the hard time etc, even when women admit to affairs on here. The double standards is bloody ridiculous.

The reason people have mentioned the custody of the child is because it all ties together. This should have been a non-issue, and considering the delicate status of her relationship with her son currently, people have taken all factors into consideration when providing advice.

Women can be shitty parents too, it’s not always the men. (This is not to say the OP is, but generally).

OP has stated she won’t take this further and it’s for the best. 2 weeks at 9 years of age will not be detrimental to the education of their son.

OP has also stated that her ex has never done this before and often takes the son of holidays so overall right now there should be no cause for concern.

————

OP as I stated before, be happy for your son, show interest in his trip and wish him a good time. Your ex has said the time you will miss will be made up. In the interim you can be proactive and find work for your son to do upon his return so that he is caught up if you are genuinely concerned.

I hope your little one has a wonderful time in Florida and continues to be happy in a stable environment, THAT is what is most important here. He has evidently been through so much at such a young age, it’s time his happiness became priority.

heartsonacake · 13/11/2019 12:38

I do also think OP that considering you have put your boyfriend above your child, it’s exceptionally rich for you to be ‘caring’ so much about this.

I suspect it’s not so much ‘care’ and much more pettiness, but I know you’ll just rebuke that.