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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex taking child on holiday

345 replies

Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 09:33

My ex husband has custody (residency order) of our 9 year old son which was ordered by the court after a lengthy court battle. I have recently found out that my ex & his wife are taking my son and their children out of school for 2 weeks to go to Disneyland. I have spoken to my ex to express my disapproval about taking him out of school however his response is that as he is resident parent he legally has the right to take our son abroad for up to 4 weeks without my written permission. I have checked the order that was issued by the court and to be fair it does state that but I do have a big problem with him taking him during term time so my question is should I apply for a pso to try to prevent my son being taken on holiday during term time? Any advice please

OP posts:
thingsgetbetterf · 13/11/2019 10:10

I actually can't believe you chose your partner over one of your children 🤯 all I can say is thank god he has a dad like he does. Stop moaning about the holiday, you sound very jealous.

OMGshefoundmeout · 13/11/2019 10:10

Your son has already been through a lot, don’t enter into another dispute and disrupt his life further. His dad was given RP status because the courts thought it was in your sons best interest. Stop trying to micromanage the way your ex parents and concentrate on making your son’s time with you as happy and nurturing as possible.

PookieDo · 13/11/2019 10:10

I think you have a lot more to worry about than this holiday

But when my ex NRP took the DC out of school for holidays (every year in primary) I wrote to the school to say that I, personally as RP, objected to it but I was unable to prevent it legally

AmIThough · 13/11/2019 10:10

@LightDrizzle normally the NRP still has to give permission for a child to leave the country.

There is a reason OP does not have this right. The courts made that decision and would have had to justify it.

We don't know what it is and it's not our business but I don't think she was initially getting a hard time because she was NRP. She was getting it for being selfish.

Purpledragon40 · 13/11/2019 10:11

School is largely just babysitting until Year 10 and Year 11. There are no exams important to your child and nothing which won't be repeated next year. If your ex makes a thing of term time holidays it really isn't going to harm him as much as you think.

PookieDo · 13/11/2019 10:13

I don’t have the same surname as my DD’s and I actually need NRP written permission to take them abroad

Clangus00 · 13/11/2019 10:13

He’s 9, 2 weeks off school will do his schooling no harm!
Maybe when he gets to secondary school & dad still takes him out of school for marvellous holidays...maybe then you can complain.
Until then....uh-uh.
Oh and I’d be much more concerned about missing contact visits with my son than you certainly seem to be, seeing as how you haven’t mentioned that bit!!

JacquesHammer · 13/11/2019 10:15

I'd be more concerned about missing the contact - has your ex given you the opportunity to take the time you'll miss elsewhere?

If you're sure you're not going to be fined (or that your ex will pay if you are) then I'd wave him off. What a great opportunity for the boy.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 10:16

My ex has said that the contact will be made up & has offered me several dates as alternatives which is why I haven’t mentioned that

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/11/2019 10:16

It sounds like this child has been through enough in his short life, without adding seeing his step-siblings or half siblings going on a two week trip to Disneyland without him.

Ok so it's not completely ideal but I think it would be pretty cruel to stop him.

Especially if you base that decision on what may or may not happen in the future.

Illberidingshotgun · 13/11/2019 10:16

If your primary concern is about what he will be missing at school, then speak to his teacher and find out what they will be covering in those 2 weeks, so you sit down with him on his return and ensure that he has not missed out on any learning. I doubt there will be a huge amount of new information that they will be covering at this point in the term, and with Christmas looming. By working in partnership with his teacher you can bridge any gaps that the holiday has created.

I think it would be hugely damaging to him if his siblings were to go away on a fantastic holiday like this, and either he wasn't invited or he was prevented from going.

It doesn't sound like the term time holidays are frequent though - once now and once in reception, so they should not be impacting on his learning. Does he also go on the holidays to visit his step mother's family? Sounds like a great opportunity to become proficient in another language over time.

AmIThough · 13/11/2019 10:17

@Aimee75 he sounds like a really reasonable man. I think you're very lucky and shouldn't pick fights for the sake of it.

bengalcat · 13/11/2019 10:18

I wouldn’t take a child out of school to go a holiday. However as others have said in this situation I would just suck it up and give him some $ and wish him a fab time .

TatianaLarina · 13/11/2019 10:19

I agree it’s a complete waste of your son’s time and schooling to be going way for two weeks. That will be hard to catch up. If your ex makes a habit of this with his wife that is problematic.

However, choosing a partner your son doesn’t get on with to the point that he left your home to get away from him is what has got you into this mess. Having reduced into your son’s life and having to comply with ex’s poor parenting decisions is the result.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 10:19

He has been to visit his step mothers family on several occasions but only during half terms as I previously refused permission during term time (my ex was only given residency in Feb this year)

OP posts:
adaline · 13/11/2019 10:19

Why do you have such little contact with your son?

choli · 13/11/2019 10:20

Can you discuss it with the school, to ensue they know that it is not something you condone, and also ask if they could send a précis if the work he I’ll be missing so you can both try to help him catch up?
Somehow I really doubt that is what the OP cares about.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 13/11/2019 10:20

I think you're getting a hard time over this as you're not the RP.

Folks,OP has stated she has DC with her partner. He's not just a boyfriend and was she supposed to split her younger children away from their dad?!

It all sounds hard but ignoring the family set up, I'd let my son spend 2 weeks in Disney. As you say, if it starts becoming regular then cross that bridge then.

Charmatt · 13/11/2019 10:21

If you object to it, you need to put it in writing to the school before the holiday takes place. If a fine relevant, then you will both be fined unless you have objected up front. The fine is £60 per parent, per child.

....from the DfE website:

Fine
Your local council can give each parent a fine of £60, which rises to £120 each if you do not pay within 21 days. If you do not pay the fine after 28 days you may be prosecuted for your child’s absence from school.

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 10:21

My contact is court ordered, I did not agree to such little contact but my ex’s barrister and cafcass convinced the court that it should be what it is

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/11/2019 10:25

My contact is court ordered, I did not agree to such little contact but my ex’s barrister and cafcass convinced the court that it should be what it is

Well your child is old enough to be listened to, to be fair.

adaline · 13/11/2019 10:25

Folks,OP has stated she has DC with her partner. He's not just a boyfriend and was she supposed to split her younger children away from their dad?!

If her elder son had such a poor relationship with her partner, she should never have had children with him!

namechangenumber2 · 13/11/2019 10:27

@PookieDo - why do you need permission? My DS has a different name to me and I've never had a problem?

Original poster
Aimee75 · 13/11/2019 10:28

My son always got on with my partner up until 2 years ago when he moved in with his Father; I have been with my partner for 5 years

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 13/11/2019 10:29

why do you have such little contact with your son? OP has explained that there’s a court order, so she hasn’t chose not to see her son, she sees him a lot more than what some fathers see their children.

OP, I do agree with others that 2 weeks out of school will not harm at his age, I can see why you are concerned about it becoming a regular thing but I highly doubt the school will allow him to keep taking him out of school for holidays without him getting a fine. Let him go and enjoy the amazing holiday. My kids dad only see them for 8 hours a week and has never taken them anywhere, I would love for him to be more involved.