Choir disappointment

[nannytothequeen]

This isn't really an AIBU. Cos I probably am. But I don't know where else to post. All my adult life I have derived a lot of pleasure from singing in choirs. I can read music competently and have always been a solid singer. Moved to a new place and joined a choir. No auditions needed. Have a couple of friends singing in another section. Paid my subs. Attended all rehearsals. I have found it a bit cliquey. Most singers are older than me and some much older and have known each other for years. But it doesn't matter when you're singing. In the last couple of weeks I have had some snide comments from other singers about getting something wrong, or not saying the words right or singing too loudly (in the loud bits) or being off key ( that particular criticism was galling because I had stopped singing at that point to try and listen to get it right). I have felt increasingly ganged up on but have largely ignored the comments.

Today I got an email from the choir leader saying that the conductor remains concerned that my voice is not balancing with the others. I didn't know he was concerned. He has never even spoken to me about anything ever. So I have been asked not to take part in the upcoming concert that I have been practicing for. However I am more than welcome to try out next year when all choir members will be auditioned.

AIBU to think fuck that for a game of soldiers? AIBU to be a bit upset? AIBU to think that something I have loved for literally decades has been kind of spoiled ? It sounds pathetic but it is like another rejection after a horrible marriage breakdown after he found another woman in the shape of a former friend and a move to a new place on my own.

Don't let it put you off bohemia! The right choir will be a supportive source of wonderful friends and company for life. Just go into it eyes open, don't put up with any shit and be prepared to move to a new choir until you find your people.

They sound awful and not the kind of choir you are looking for. I have sung in many choirs (agree some can be cliquey to new joiners) and there are always people who think they can sing (or once could) but can’t sing that well but no one cares because it’s about more than a perfect piece of music in a local choir ! I’m not saying that necessarily is you (but there may be something in what they are saying music- wise if it’s been said by a few people). But anyway that doesn’t really matter - you’ll be more than good enough to participate fully in a local non up themselves choir ! Find a more friendly and welcoming bunch - good luck!

I went to play for an orchestra and theh were really pleasant to my face. They said there was no minimum standard no audition etc I tried to get feedback at the time, they were weird and brushed me off I then got an email saying they were trying to raise the minimum standard and everyone would audition next year.

I did email back and say I was surprised they hadn't felt brave enough to say anything to my face as I think I'm nice and approachable. Which made me feel a tiny bit better. But the whole experience knocked my confidence so much it took me 5 years to join another orchestra. And they are wonderful. Equivalent standard but not up their own arses!

Don't let it put you off singing, it's so good for you to do it. And do talk to the conductor if you can. I know it's hard. Chin up x

Please don't stop singing. I think starting a small singing group is the way to go in this situation. Best wishes and good luck x

I have just emailed the choir leader saying I want my subs back and providing payment details and I have added a few sentences about good manners and inclusivity. i will report back on my singing lesson!

I don't know about starting a group. I want to sing, not conduct a group and I already run a small children's choir.

You wouldn;t have to conduct. You could find a conductor. Just be the person who kickstarts it. begin small, add members and then pounce when someone joins who is a natural born organiser with time on their hands. and get them to take over as choir leader.

I play in amateur (but high standard) orchestras and God they can indeed be cliquey. Who you know and all that. I sometimes do depping and one particular orchestra was awful, I was being given daggers by someone who i assume felt threatened by my mere presence (when i was complimented on my playing skill ). But i was only there for the day rehearsal and concert and wasn't after replacing them

I hope to join a choir at some point, hope I find a friendly one. I love singing but i'm not brilliant (done up to grade 6), we do have a Rock choir, might be fun to try as long as i don't have to sing by myself!

The singing lesson is a great idea - for one thing, you'll get your confidence back. If there are a couple of suggestions the teacher makes you can take it from there but it's not like this wouldn't have been a valuable thing to do regardless of whether you'd had this experience with the choir.

I also think your email is perfect and directed at the right person. If the conductor hears something was amiss through the grapevine, he can always reach out to you. I wouldn't be giving them an opportunity to hurt your feelings anymore especially since you wouldn't want to go back there. Even if he grovelled - too many others who are toxic about.

Maybe the singing teacher would have good suggestions locally for a better group for you, that doesn't involve the others. I hope so!

The best group I've sung with had no conductor. There were one or two of us per part, we sat in a circle and we just sang until we were so attuned to one another that we breathed together and worked together as one. It was very rewarding.

So glad you've written to them and that you've arranged a lesson too. Singing is very therapeutic and sounds like it has been an important part of your life.

I'm in a wonderful friendly choir, but tried out another very popular local choir. I was made to sit alone at the front. Stil can't quite believe it. It was very clear that there were cliques and in the break I heard at least two bitchy conversations about other members, one when I was in the loo so never went back.
Sounds like they've done you a favour.
You said: I already run a small children's choir
Can you invite parents and teachers and start a community choir?
Or, how about an online MN choir. I'd join that!!!!!!

I do a lot of singing so I do wonder if the issue is balance. You mention that a lot of the members are in the early music choir which presumably means they have quite clear "white" tone as that is usually the early music sound. If you have a fuller voice with some vibrato - like the BBC singers for example - then you may well stand out a bit against the early music crew. I have a voice that has got fuller over the years (it was really weedy when I was younger) and have sort of moved away from early music a bit as I don't blend in the way I used to. You could ask your friends in the other voice part if this is the case.

That choir sounds like a bore. Hope you find one that isn't full of mutterers and where they have fun.

Ohhh sounds like you've ruffled a few feathers with the local 'ay amm in the Choir don'tcha know' bods by actually being able to sing

There will be nothing 'amiss' with your voice. It's a no-audition local choir ffs.

For this reaction to have happened you've clearly put a few long established King/Queen Bee local noses enough out of joint for the leader to be put under pressure to say your face don't fit

Fuck em - but I see the issue with your location! Is it really the place for you if it's so cliquey as well as being miles from anywhere without the one social thing you love? I'd move if you can.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I hope you find another group to sing with soon.

On which note I have 2 comments;

1. Women's Barbershop sounds AMAZING I have been watching a lot of modern barbershop lately on youtube and the close harmonies are just gorgeous.

2. as others say maybe you could start a Community choir or the parents/relatives and friends of your children's choir? As someone else said you don't have to conduct or be music director you can just be the admin organiser until someone else is willing to take over.

but also @Fetamore Or, how about an online MN choir. This sounds brilliant but how the hell would it work?

p.s. I would defo join. I've been looking for a choir to join for years but the only one in my area is a terrifying Ladies Choral Soc

ericwhitacre.com/the-virtual-choir like this but for MN, I'm in.

Thanks bleeps

Looked him up - here's his TED talk - choir starts about 10.19

Sooo tempting.

We should totally do it - anyone got the technical skills?

@FizzyGreenWater you have hit the nail on the head. It is a non audition local choir in a one horse town who perform in a local venue, usually half full. Most members are 20 years older than me It's not the BBC singers. And yet I am not welcome. I

I don't think I have the energy to start a choir I have enough on my plate. And my childrens choir sings children's songs. It's all about them and I want it to stay that way.

I love the idea of a MN virtual choir.

Oh I LOVE that TED Talk by Eric Whitacre, and what an amazing achievement! Really tempted to join in whatever he's doing next, if he's still going.

I've seen this one before - I sang it at a Christmas service a few years ago and was looking for online versions -many fewer voices but still the same idea.

I don't have the technical skills at all but if anyone does, I'd be up for a MN choir - I'd be one of the furthest away, in Australia!

Heartbreaking bullying. Similar happened to my ex sil. She ended up being asked to leave and was devastated. She had very few friends and all her main social group was in this choir. Unmarried and no kids or partner, the choir and it’s associated events were a huge part of her life.

I want to be in the MN choir too!

Hope you find a new choir who appreciates you. i joined the school choir in hopes of improving my shitty vocal range and they let me sing my heart out all year, but then the teacher asked me to just mime at the actual concert. I was so sad, I quit. I've never even sung in the shower since. People don't realise how hurtful they are being.

Write them a letter/email and tell them how upset and disappointed you are and how much you were looking forward to the event and how this was meant to be a positive activity for you after a very unhappy relationship breakdown and you find their reaction devastating. Then ask for a refund of your subs. Make them feel really bad - they deserve to know how shitty they’ve been to you. Also find a much friendlier choir. You deserve better