Choir disappointment

[nannytothequeen]

This isn't really an AIBU. Cos I probably am. But I don't know where else to post. All my adult life I have derived a lot of pleasure from singing in choirs. I can read music competently and have always been a solid singer. Moved to a new place and joined a choir. No auditions needed. Have a couple of friends singing in another section. Paid my subs. Attended all rehearsals. I have found it a bit cliquey. Most singers are older than me and some much older and have known each other for years. But it doesn't matter when you're singing. In the last couple of weeks I have had some snide comments from other singers about getting something wrong, or not saying the words right or singing too loudly (in the loud bits) or being off key ( that particular criticism was galling because I had stopped singing at that point to try and listen to get it right). I have felt increasingly ganged up on but have largely ignored the comments.

Today I got an email from the choir leader saying that the conductor remains concerned that my voice is not balancing with the others. I didn't know he was concerned. He has never even spoken to me about anything ever. So I have been asked not to take part in the upcoming concert that I have been practicing for. However I am more than welcome to try out next year when all choir members will be auditioned.

AIBU to think fuck that for a game of soldiers? AIBU to be a bit upset? AIBU to think that something I have loved for literally decades has been kind of spoiled ? It sounds pathetic but it is like another rejection after a horrible marriage breakdown after he found another woman in the shape of a former friend and a move to a new place on my own.

I really feel for you. This sounds awful. I hope you find another lovely choir. I would not ask to speak to the leader or ever set foot there again.

It sounds like you can sing well, but there may be something in the blending feedback.

I've been in choirs where one person's voice is much louder /more distinct and overpowers everyone else's and that's not really good choral singing as even top choirs make a huge deal of blending.

Beyond that they sound quite cliquey and not that nice though. You'd probably be better off finding another choir.

I can understand how you’re feeling - it is all very unpleasant.

You are clearly talented and singing in a choir is something you love, so my advice would be to take no responsibility for their reaction towards you and consider it a lucky escape. You love singing, you don’t love being surrounded by uppity knobs who haven’t left the school playground. Dust yourself off and look for a different choir.

That’s awful!

I’d send an email back to the choir master, telling him how disappointed you are at the way you’ve been treated.

From your update, with the grade 8 singing and choir experience, the most likely explanation is that you are better at singing than many other members of the choir and that they are jealous.

Honestly though I hate to see bullies get away with these things without being pulled up on them.

Maybe a quick email to say that you have given up many hours of your time to the choir and this sudden decision that you are not to sing in their concert is extremely rude. You can mention the other choirs you have been in and say that none of them ever behaved in this way.

That sounds very hurtful, I'm so sorry.

I've never joined a choir but a family member had some bad experiences. She wasn't a music student but sang professionally in a band. They even earned money!

Again a similar cliquey feel. A "you're not our type" vibe.

Please don't stop singing. Find a choir that suits you better. Remember every time you "audition", you're not just being judged, you're judging whether the choir is right for you!

I suspect you’re too good and it’s put someone’s nose out of joint. Fuck em, go and find a nicer group who welcome you and are nice to hang out with.

They are awful bullies. Leave and find another choir. 💐 You are worth more than these pretentious idiots.

That's dreadful.

If it is a non-audtion choir they should be welcoming all. Also stamping all over that shit of criticism from other singers. Sounds more like clique than anything else, and the director really should be dealing with blending issues etc as the choir rehearsed.

I'm so sorry you have had this experience. Please look for a nicer choir.

I suspect you’re too good and it’s put someone’s nose out of joint.

This!

*I suspect you’re too good and it’s put someone’s nose out of joint.

This!*

I agree

From your update, with the grade 8 singing and choir experience, the most likely explanation is that you are better at singing than many other members of the choir and that they are jealous.

If they were 12, maybe.

If the OP has a very strong voice and uses it loudly, it will throw the balance of the other voices. It is irritating if all you can hear is one voice, no matter how good that voice is. It is a choir, not a solo performance. The OP saw criticism from others as “snidely remarks” rather than talking it on board. It has nothing to do with jealousy.

The conductor should have spoken to you face to face if there is an issue with blend. I have sung in a chamber choir where there was one very highly trained singer with a lot of vibrato who unfortunately sometimes stuck out like a sore thumb. But the conductor was just very matter of fact about it at and basically said "Oy Brenda, tone it down a bit" until the balance was right.

Please find another choir. Don't give up. Some choirs are very cliquey and it doesn't sound like this was a good fit from the start too be honest. But if you've successfully sung choral music before there must be one out there that's right.

From here it could be they're being nasty or could be that they've got a certain amount of truth.
I'm not a singer, but there's a local lady who will tell people how well she can sing. I think she's probably right, on her own.
But I've heard her in in a couple of choirs and in both she really stands out, but not in a good way.
In a choir part of it is blending in and the voices joining together. She puts odd emphasis on words and in the loud bits sings far too loud, over everyone else. I know that they have had some people leave over it. The comment I had from a member was it felt like she was singing against the rest of the choir and it changed it from being a fun thing to do into a strain.

Go and join another choir. If you're confident, try an audition one so they can decide beforehand if your voice suits.

I'll try to find another choir. But this is not a big place. There is an early music choir but I don't like early music at all and in any case most of the singers also sing in the choir I've been booted out of. There are a couple of world music choirs. You learn the songs by ear though including the lyrics which are not in English. Not a strength for me. And there is a ladies barbershop. I don't know of any others.
I want to say that I am honestly not wanting to show off. I am really careful about dynamics and I watch the conductor like a hawk. My voice was something special when I was young. There just wasn't the money for me to move to London for vocal study without any kind of certainty around work st the end. It's not something special anymore but I can still sing and always have loved it. My marriage was a bit controlling and my ex did his best to stop me singing in a choir. I was so pleased to be doing it again without being hassled by him.

There's something about local amateur groups that they can attract such attitudes. Our local amdram is a bit like this: they're not welcoming to new members, particularly younger ones, and always give to good parts to the same people because they and their mates will have a massive hissy fit otherwise. As a consequence their audiences are dropping off because, no matter how good they are, there's a limit to how much people want to see people in parts for which they are 30 or 40 years too old.

The good news is that not all groups are like this and I suspect you could easily find a good alternative. You're probably better off with one that auditions, then you will know that they want you for your voice, not your subs.

Maybe you could show thrm your credentials, say you don't understand and ask for more clarification. After all, the choir leader is losing your £10 per week contribution you woulx think they'd be reluctant to lose a potential soloist etc.

Start your own choir! There must be others that have felt the same and perhaps people just want a good sing song rather than the drama!

I’d try the world music one, or barbershop, not your preference but it may be better than you think and/or the people nicer!

Fast-moving thread!

I was in a choir, a crap one😁.

There was a woman with a beautiful, strong, vibrato voice who always stood out. In the nicest possible way, she spoiled the sound.

Choirs are about blended voices.

Maybe the OP's voice is not blending.

aw that sounds horrible, OP.
I would leave but I'd also be mailing the conductor to say that if he's going to be a proper leader he needs to give people feedback if they are in danger of being ejected. Not spring it on someone at the last minute because the other members are bitchy wankers.

I would contact the conductor and ask if you can meet with him. Show him the email from the leader and ask if he knows about it. If so, ask exactly what the problems are.
I suspect he knows nothing about it though.

With all respect the remarks were snide in that they were whispered in my ear or in one case the other choir member got me out on the street having followed me to my car. Surely it's the job of the choir leader to follow up on musical issues? Definite snideness and never the same issue. It ranged from pronunciation to being off key or too loud or an incorrect rhythm or sharp or flat and once sharp and flat at the same time with snide comments from two different people.

These are not your people! Don’t give up, it sounds like you’re really talented and just need to find the right home for your voice!

Choir member here where we are hopefully not cliquey and I can’t even read music! That sounds horrid, you poor thing. Sounds like an excuse, if it was anything to do with your voice blending they would have quietly spoken to you and sorted it out surely. Find another choir even if it means a longer journey. Good luck.