Choir disappointment

[nannytothequeen]

This isn't really an AIBU. Cos I probably am. But I don't know where else to post. All my adult life I have derived a lot of pleasure from singing in choirs. I can read music competently and have always been a solid singer. Moved to a new place and joined a choir. No auditions needed. Have a couple of friends singing in another section. Paid my subs. Attended all rehearsals. I have found it a bit cliquey. Most singers are older than me and some much older and have known each other for years. But it doesn't matter when you're singing. In the last couple of weeks I have had some snide comments from other singers about getting something wrong, or not saying the words right or singing too loudly (in the loud bits) or being off key ( that particular criticism was galling because I had stopped singing at that point to try and listen to get it right). I have felt increasingly ganged up on but have largely ignored the comments.

Today I got an email from the choir leader saying that the conductor remains concerned that my voice is not balancing with the others. I didn't know he was concerned. He has never even spoken to me about anything ever. So I have been asked not to take part in the upcoming concert that I have been practicing for. However I am more than welcome to try out next year when all choir members will be auditioned.

AIBU to think fuck that for a game of soldiers? AIBU to be a bit upset? AIBU to think that something I have loved for literally decades has been kind of spoiled ? It sounds pathetic but it is like another rejection after a horrible marriage breakdown after he found another woman in the shape of a former friend and a move to a new place on my own.

I'd go with the thought that they are jealous too. Do they know about your grade 8 and your previous choirs? Time to go to a nicer choir.

Following you to your car!

Is the leader in charge then, not the conductor?

Agree with other posters - I suspect that some other members are jealous of your abilities and that some perhaps previously thought of as having the “best” voices are feeling threatened. It is mean and horrid playground behaviour, but you are best off out of it.

Are there churches in neighbouring areas with choirs?

My mum sings in a choir, weak singer, but she travels all over happily with them. Tbh though, she’s maybe accepted in part for being weak and quiet but fitting the bill. She’s lovely, but it’s full of queen bees and mum does rock the social order. I can imagine you getting this reaction there tbh from some of the women.

We had someone in our choir that was a very good singer, had sung with lots of good choirs in London etc and then joined our amateur (but good) choir. And she didn't blend at all. It was really difficult standing near as she was so off-putting, because she was very loud. I'm sure she didn't realise it and wasn't doing it deliberately, but it totally spoiled the sound for a choir this size, as her voice absolutely dominated her section, and made it hard for other people to hear themsevles or the group properly. She had no idea, and I don't know if she was told in the end. People found it hard to stand next to her because of it, but it wasn't because of her as a person, so I hope they didn't come across as unfriendly as a result, but they may have done. She didn't stay that long - I'm not sure how it was dealt with. I'm sorry you were told in such a harsh way. That seems really unfair, especially to tell you before a concert. It would have been different if they told you at the start of term, or before rehearsals started for the next one, but now that you've done the work and been to rehearsals is awful.

Maybe you can ask the director or your friends for some really honest feedback, and if needed, tone down your voice so that it blends better. Often people with trained solo voices don't quite match the others in a section, and it can stand out easily if it's not that sort of choir.

I hope you can find another group that matches your skills and sound and is more social.

They sound like a miserable bunch. Have you tried Rock Choir? It’s expensive, but there are no auditions and you just sing your heart out to popular music.

Did you have to pay fees?! I’d be asking for them back and threatening with a small claims court if they don’t oblige. Tell them any court in the land would side with you based on the appalling way you’ve been treated. Tbh, it sounds like you’re very good and probably too good in comparison to the rest of the group so you show them up. Get your money back, find a better choir and continue with your love for singing. This choir just isn’t your tribe. Their loss, not yours.

Golly, I can’t believe this op, how awful.

I would guess a few things going on her, small cliquey choir, newcomer arrives with good strong sound, possibly some drowning out issues, more likely just jealous.

You say the choir leader says the conductor is still concerned. The conductor may not even know the leader has contacted you. I would not let her get away with this, even though ?I would still look for a new choir.

Email back saying that you don’t understand this and are sure you can correct any issue in time for the concert. Explain you have great 8 singing and name the choirs you have sung in without issue so you can clearly sing. (I would state this matter of factory) and then say you will discuss the issues with the conductor at the next practice.

Get there early and try and discuss with him before the start or offer to stay afterwards.

I would also explain that having paid your subs and attended all the practices you only feel it fair that you participate in the concert, which it is by anybodies standards.

Don’t let this choir leader and her clique force you out by the back door, they probably just made the whole thing up because they are jealous and think you are over shadowing them.

Good luck

As someone who has performed extensively myself, If, as one or two posters have suggested, the OPs voice isn't blending, perhaps to prominent at times, then the conductor should have addressed this personally, face to face, and helped her to blend in. That is their job. That is why they are there.

For the conductor not to do this, means the choir has a shit conductor. For a choir leader to send out such an email prior to any sort of face to face chats between the OP and the conductor also means the choir has a shit leader.

In other words, it's shit. Find another one, OP. Clearly, there is a nest of vipers at work.

I think you need to find a better choir with members who aren't threatened by a single newcomer who sings better than they do in their midst. Bet you the conductor didn't even say anything but the choir leader has just been listening to shit talk from the cows in the group.

I don't think that the choir leader is part of this. She has always seemed nice. I get the impression that she had been told by the conductor to relay this to me. He has never spoken to me about blending in. Has said nothing to me ever actually. I didn't think he even knew my name. I can't just rock up at the next rehearsal I have clearly been told not to. And I do have some pride. The leader said that the conductor would discuss this with me if I really wanted to and passed on his phone number. I have tried a few times but there is never any answer. I'll probably give up now.

Are you close to a decent sized city? We have a dozen or more choirs in our city that I know of (I run a venue). Cliquey is common unfortunately in my experience. If you happen to be nearish here I can recommend the choir my dd conducts, it's a wide age range

As a competent choral singer I think there are two possibilities here.
Either other choir members are jealous or you have an overinflated view of your singing ability.
(I do know one bloody awful contralto who tells everyone about her massive experience and how fantastic she is, I also sing in a small group with an ex King's Singer who is completely unassuming and has a voice like melted chocolate)
Can't judge without hearing you - how about posting a demo so we can judge

Agree with @ShatnersWig

I am a choir director. I would never deal with any lack of blending in such a mean way.

We do sometimes have rumblings of singers telling other singers they are singing too loudly or similar - this is more to do with their own hangups and lack of social skills than any really undesirable singing.

It is not any potential lack of blending, but more about the shocking way this appears to have been handled. I'm sorry, OP

Get yourself to a Rock Choir. There will be one near you definitely, they're all over the UK. It's fun, the music is great and the people are lovely.

If the ladies' barbershop choir is one that competes they'll sing to a high standard, do lots of technical work - might be worth a look for you.

If he doesn’t even know your name- could it be based on hearsay. They’ve just taken the word of those around you?

Has your voice changed with age?

I'm not a singer but my aunt is. She sings with one of the big well recognised choirs who do a lot of recording work.

However to get there the choir went through a huge upheaval around 20yrs ago when the choral director made everyone re-audition as there was a group in their 50s whose voices hadn't aged well - who needs a squeaky soprano who can't reach the top notes?

Lots of people didn't get through including my aunts closest friend.

Choir has gone from strength to strength since and now has a much more balanced demographic including lots of students.

Everyone auditions to get in and long term members essential re-audition every 5yrs (I I think they call it a voice check up though). My aunt is in her 70s now and was saying how much she enjoys chatting to the younger members and the fact that they produce a great sound.

Amateur choirs are so often really horrible places.

I have a music degree and extensive choral experience, some of it professional. The only choir I sing with at the moment is a 2 hour journey away and not very good, but has none of this queen bee behaviour. Everyone just supports each other despite there being a very large range of ability.

If you have good technique and are singing with people who don't it is almost impossible not to stick out, unfortunately. Blend is important but you need reasonably compatible voices to begin with or those with stronger voices will do themselves a mischief trying to tone it down.

This is so common - don't take it to heart. Good luck.

Definitely leave and find another choir, the leader has been very rude not giving any feedback to you if they were issues, who needs that sort of stress when this is supposed to be fun.

Surely if the issue really is that OP has a beautiful singing voice, but doesn't blend in/ is too strong etc, that's how it should have been phrased? Why wouldn't the conductor simply have a word and say yes you are a good singer but you stand out etc.
That email and the comments tell a different story though. They sound ridiculous.
Find another choir where everyone is truly welcome.
Makes me grateful that my choir is nothing like yours.

How awful for you! I know what you mean about cliques etc., but think that’s just par for the course in any large group. I left a choir because of a couple of people who were constantly bitching about everyone else - not just their singing, but also ‘how they stood’, and many other stupid comments! I joined the Rock Choir and it has been a much better experience.

They sound horrible OP - and if you're grade 8 with that sort of singing experience behind you, then it's undoubtedly cliquishness on their part rather than anything to do with you.

Are there any other choirs in the town? Or even nearby towns if you're prepared to travel a bit?

Re. the conductor's comment about blending, it's possible this is true, if your voice is actually a lot stronger than theirs and you're standing out from the mix. But not because you're in anyway not good enough, just that the voices don't match. (I have some recordings from when I was a student and holding the alto section in my college choir together single-handedly - and at times it does sound a bit like "alto solo with accompanying three part choir" ).

This sounds awful OP. Don’t waste any more time on this choir - it doesn’t have to be like this. My community choir has none of this nonsense - we have a wide range of ability but nobody is ever picked on or singled out. I hope you find a nicer group to enjoy your singing with.

It does sound most conductors would have had a word as soon as there was an issue. If the OP is loud surely ‘hi, have you got a few min? Just wanted to say...’ would have been fine. Or even feedback during the singing ‘xxx, can you Volume match please’ or ‘xxx could you listen this bit out please’. I mean isn’t that the point of the role?