To think most men actually don't really want kids?

[Thickums]

Interesting discussion with my friends last night about dating/contraception/children.

We were talking about how a lot of men do say they 'want' kids, but its more of in the way that they'd like a trip to a hawaii or a ferrari. It seems nice to have/do but not much thought past that? If women didn't push having babies then would human race would rapidly decline?

By this i mean, when 'ttc', men just seem to passively go along with it. If women were to be as passive as men then we couldn't really see men 'stepping up', by researching ovulation days, asking to dtd on certain days and then going to the GP entirley off their own back if they didn't get a bfp after a few months of trying.

We then also wondered how long it would actually take men generally to start really pushing the baby issue if women were passive and stopped using protection but didnt actively try either. If women kicked back and carried on living life without much discussion of ttc and just let things happen. Would men keep bringing up actively ttc? Or would they generally just coast along along with their female partners until its too late if pregnancy didn't occur and then just shrug their shoulders that it didn't happen?

If that is the case, then is that why men find it so much easier to walk away from kids? Or dont feel generally as responsible for them? Because they actually weren't all that bothered to begin with. They just go along with having a baby because it's what people do, but not many men actively and purposefully really yearn for it?

Be interested to hear others thoughts amd experiences on this!!

[StreetwiseHercules]

And how many men have you encountered whom you haven’t said things like that?

[RedPanda2]

Agree. Most nen i know would have children as long as it doesn't effect their career, social life or hobbies.

[CosmoK]

Well you know what they say about opinions don't you?

That they're the basis of forums like this..... And kind of the whole point??!

[honeylulu]

Well you know what they say about opinions don't you?

They're like arseholes - everybody's got one. HTH.

[StreetwiseHercules]

“ Agree. Most nen i know would have children as long as it doesn't effect their career, social life or hobbies.”

Yes, women are just more virtuous than men, innit.

[JessicaRarebit]

I’ve got friends who convinced their dp’s to have dc and now that they’ve had them their relationships are going tits up because the women are doing the most work, husbands lives are relatively unaffected by the baby, which breeds resentment etc. Men can be really great with DC though and actually want them.

My DP is probably an anomaly, he’s very involved and wants a million dc. Me, not so much. I had to be convinced to have a baby the first time and dp is working hard for number 2.

[Morgenrot]

My partner believes most men don't want kids and aren't really interested in any that they do have.

[Miketv3]

DiabloDi- in my case that’s definitely true. They just bring endless worry and stress to me. Not to mention the cost!

[Jux]

I didn't want children at all but dh did. I grudgingly agreed to have a couple under certain provisos. Of course, once I was pg things completely changed for me, but I still wanted those provisos fulfilled; as they weren't, dd is an only child.

Make of that what you will.

[TickleMeEmo]

Like most things, it depends on the person.
DH was definetly more fussed for having kids than I was at the time, and is a great dad to our 2, and was greatly affected by the 2 miscarriages we had too.
On the other hand, his older brother wasn’t ready for kids when he and sil had them but went along with it.

[Polishlike]

My ex didn't want kids, neither did I. But once our kid was here he was an amazing dad. The OP's premise holds true in my case irrespective of my ex's parenting. Once our kid became a teenager and not easy to manipulate or control, different story however. Hence he's an ex

[noodlenosefraggle]

Maybe women should stop apologising for wanting children. Hiding their fertile periods, staying with men who don't want children or thinking men and actually society in general are bestowing some great unselfish act upon us by allowing us to have children when men don't want or need them. We're doing them and society a bloody huge favour putting our bodies, careers and lives at risk to have babies. I know environmentally having children isn't great, but we still need people, otherwise what's the point? And the only way to have people is for women to bear children.

[Polishlike]

women should stop apologising for wanting children.

I don't think that's necessary. Judging by this thread there's a good supply of men who also want them, so women need to find partners whose goals are aligned to theirs. That goes for wanting kids and beyond. But yes I think there's no longer an imperative to reproduce for the benefit of society, rather the reverse

[Thickums]

To be honest in my own opinion i think a lot of what posters are saying generally rings true from my general observations.

The amount of times i hear "DP will be a great dad.. DP is great with his neices and nephews etc". Yet that same DP doesn't do house work unless instructed to do so and cant organize anything outside of their own personal self interests such as work and hobbies. The DP wouldn't think to mop the floors and clean the bathroom without being promoted. This then also follows through to parenting when that same DP doesn't organize childcare, make a costume for the nativity play or know when the dc's next dentist appointment is. But he took the kids to play rugby on Saturday so that doesn't matter, hes great?
However on the flip side of this, a lot of men do get the 'great dad' medal for doing the bare minimum of the school run and reading a bed time story and little else.
So i suppose they can say they 'want' kids if thats all they consider parenting to be? Bedtime stories and the odd bath?

Again.. These are sweeping generalisations but what i have observed in day to day real life with work colleagues/acquaintances.

A older woman did once say to me: if the time comes that you want a child, then ask yourself - even if your married, do you still want a child as a single parent? If your relationship remains in tact thats a bonus but be prepared that you'll be the one left holding the baby if it doesn't.

At the time i was around 19/20 and didn't really get it. But now i think i do. Do you think she was right? She was a single mother to 4dc though so probably biased!

DISCLAIMER: I don't hate men, I adore my brothers, best friend (male) and boyfriend. But i do think these discussions are needed even if it feels uncomfortable.

[StripeyTopRedLips]

A older woman did once say to me: if the time comes that you want a child, then ask yourself - even if your married, do you still want a child as a single parent? If your relationship remains in tact thats a bonus but be prepared that you'll be the one left holding the baby if it doesn't.

I think this is very smart. For both women and men to consider before starting a family. Anything can happen, a previously reliable spouse can walk away, meet someone else, die prematurely. You might ultimately decide that you can’t imagine coping as a single parent but be willing to take the risk it might happen and go ahead TTC anyway. But it really is important to consider imo.

One of my provisos for TTC was to have reached a point in my career where if I had a child with someone and they vanished in a puff of smoke I’d be able to support myself and the child. Which for me meant waiting until my very early thirties, but by then I had some solid professional qualifications under my belt, several years experience in my field and what I consider to be a decent salary. It wouldn’t be easy to go it alone but I am in a far better position to be able to than if I’d had a child five or ten years ago, when I couldn’t afford more than a house share let alone the expense of a child, and I couldn’t have progressed professionally or educationally due to the time it’d have taken while raising a child.

It’s imperative to me to know I could support us: even if it’s not an amazing standard of living, we’d manage.

I have a great marriage and no reason to fear that outcome but it seemed far too risky to go into having a child being completely reliant on someone else.

[Polishlike]

Well said @DiabloDi

[RhinoskinhaveI]

You are being disingenuous with the 'gift to society' comment, children make up the next generation, without them there is no society

[Polishlike]

With too many of them, society is poorer

[Calmingvibrations]

I see what you are saying OP.
My OH had two serious relationships prior to me where neither woman wanted children. Apparently he thought he did want them, but when I pointed out how did he think that would have happened then, he wasn’t really sure. I don’t think he thought he could change their mind, more he didn’t give it much thought and just sort of assumed it would end up happening. Or possibly not actually really that bothered about having kids.

I had to push the issue due to age, had I not, I’ve no idea at what point he would have.

[Winterwoollies]

I didn’t want kids but my husband was desperate. And now I’m accidentally having one. He’s very excited. I’m less so bit going with it.

[user1471582494]

Massive generalizations there OP.
My husband was ready for children way before I was. Children were always in our plans it was just a matter of me being ready. He is a very hands on father and loves it.

[RantyAnty]

I think they like the sex part mostly :)
They like the idea of it and the status of it. Like if all their friends are getting married and having kids, then they suddenly want to. Or they want a boy to carry on the family name and to do sport with.

They like that part but they want someone else to do the donkey work with them.