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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most men actually don't really want kids?

240 replies

Thickums · 12/11/2019 11:33

Interesting discussion with my friends last night about dating/contraception/children.

We were talking about how a lot of men do say they 'want' kids, but its more of in the way that they'd like a trip to a hawaii or a ferrari. It seems nice to have/do but not much thought past that? If women didn't push having babies then would human race would rapidly decline?

By this i mean, when 'ttc', men just seem to passively go along with it. If women were to be as passive as men then we couldn't really see men 'stepping up', by researching ovulation days, asking to dtd on certain days and then going to the GP entirley off their own back if they didn't get a bfp after a few months of trying.

We then also wondered how long it would actually take men generally to start really pushing the baby issue if women were passive and stopped using protection but didnt actively try either. If women kicked back and carried on living life without much discussion of ttc and just let things happen. Would men keep bringing up actively ttc? Or would they generally just coast along along with their female partners until its too late if pregnancy didn't occur and then just shrug their shoulders that it didn't happen?

If that is the case, then is that why men find it so much easier to walk away from kids? Or dont feel generally as responsible for them? Because they actually weren't all that bothered to begin with. They just go along with having a baby because it's what people do, but not many men actively and purposefully really yearn for it?

Be interested to hear others thoughts amd experiences on this!!

OP posts:
Polishlike · 12/11/2019 15:34

Using mumsnet as a source of information is flawed. Very few people post about their happy relationships and those that do are accused of being smug or naive

But many of us are posting about people in our circle, non Mumsnet users, where we've identified that the woman is the driver behind children. The women and men in this circle might be perfectly happy, but do fit the observation made by OP.

ShatnersWig · 12/11/2019 15:36

I think most men go along with what their partner wants

I can only speak on personal experience but of my large circle of friends, I only know of two men who actively were really really keen to have kids and it was a deal breaker. I know many men who are fathers who were ambivalent and said they had kids because their partner wanted them and if their partner hadn't wanted any kids that would have been totally fine too. I've known several women leave men who said they didn't want kids and the women assumed they would change their mind. I don't know any men who have left women who didn't want kids.

CosmoK · 12/11/2019 15:36

But lots of people are also saying that's not their experience.

LexitLeft · 12/11/2019 15:38

Problem is going part time does often reduce opportunities for promotion so often the setup is man gets promotion and earns money, woman stays home.

I hate it though.

woodchuck99 · 12/11/2019 15:40

I think men are just as keen to have children as women but unlike women there not worried about their fertility decreasing. Therefore it is obviously something they think they can do in the future and they are they not going to be in such a hurry about it. I think I would have waited at least another 10 years before having children if I hadn't been aware that it is harder to have children the older you get. I'm sure if they found some magic pill that ensured women could have children when they're middle-aged like men can there would be no difference.

Mjlp · 12/11/2019 15:41

I agree. There are some men who want children, but I think most either go along with it for their partners or actively don't want children. I'm 42 and of the people around my age there are very few women who don't have children and most of the ones who don't did/do want them. Whereas I know lots of guys who don't have kids and don't want them and a few who have them and don't want them 😢

BubblesBuddy · 12/11/2019 15:43

Well even if it’s 50/50 that represents a lot of men who are ambivalent about their DC. I certainly am aware that men want them but delegate everything to their parents after they’ve got them! By not having them, many men would feel something was missing from their lives, but dealing with the every day management and care of DC is a very different thing! They tend to disappear!

BubblesBuddy · 12/11/2019 15:45

To their partners. Not to their parents.

AgeLikeWine · 12/11/2019 15:49

Most men don’t feel the biological ‘urge’ to have children which many women do. They don’t get broody. They typically have zero interest in children other than their own. You can see this clearly when new parents bring their baby into an office. The women crowd around, competing to get close to and hold the baby. The men ignore it. Many men are secretly relieved to return to work after their paternity leave, although they don’t tell their partners this, obv...

In my experience, many more men than women are ambivalent about having children, and many become fathers to keep their partners happy.

littlehappyhippo · 12/11/2019 15:50

@Thickums

Absolute nonsense.

And usually spouted by women whose man didn't want children. (And were not quiet about it.)

OR

Women whose father didn't want children (and were not quiet about it.)

The comments almost always come from bitter experience.

Coming from a father who very much wanted (and loves and adores his children,) and having a DH who very much wanted (and loves and adores our children,) I have surmised that when someone says 'most men don't really want children' it comes from a place of bitterness, anger, and hurt.

You have my pity. You AND anyone else who has not had a man in their life who wants children (including their own father probably...) It can't be easy for you........ Sad

Polishlike · 12/11/2019 15:53

You can see this clearly when new parents bring their baby into an office. The women crowd around, competing to get close to and hold the baby. The men ignore it.

100%

ShatnersWig · 12/11/2019 15:53

CosmoK Where did I say they were wrong? I didn't. But some people have just said what they think rather than what their actual experience is. Or are we only allowed to all have the same opinion or experience? Be a dull forum otherwise.

MephistophelesApprentice · 12/11/2019 15:59

I think some men want to be Fathers or want to have a family because these are status markers. Old fashioned traditional expectations or symbols of wealth/virility.

Some women can be judgemental about men who simply don't want children (look on MN, they get called lazy, selfish, manchild or all three) so some men pretend just to maintain the relationship, or even just go along because they love their partner and will do what it takes to stay with them (though seeing how children seem to utterly destroy once loving adult relationships I'm not sure it's wise).

littlehappyhippo · 12/11/2019 16:03

You can see this clearly when new parents bring their baby into an office. The women crowd around, competing to get close to and hold the baby. The men ignore it.

When a new parent brings a baby into work I pretty much ignore it, (and so do other women) coz I am not particularly interested in some random work colleagues baby. It's not just MEN who ignore babies they don't even know. Confused

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 12/11/2019 16:04

I think some men want to be Fathers or want to have a family because these are status markers. Old fashioned traditional expectations or symbols of wealth/virility.

In fairness, men can get pressure from their families to produce children - particularly if there is no one else to provide grandchildren. This has happened to my husband. There was absolutely no way I wanted to have children, though, so his family's hints and comments fell on stony ground.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 12/11/2019 16:05

When a new parent brings a baby into work I pretty much ignore it

Yes, me too!

nibdedibble · 12/11/2019 16:06

I'm a good few years past this point now, but I observed at the time when friends were talking about wanting children that their male partners were absolutely not that keen to get going. DH was one of them. I could have started a family about six years before we did, he wanted to make the most of travelling.

AFAIK all those men (who now have families) love being dads but it was irritating at the time, it felt like they all needed to grow up a bit faster and stop putting it off until it's physically more tiring. Just a small subset of people, anyway, not a general statement.

Lexitleft · 12/11/2019 16:08

Bit of a mean post, hippo

DiabloDi · 12/11/2019 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessDaff · 12/11/2019 16:15

I think you are right in most cases.

My own dad walked out on us 3 and we haven't seen him in over 15 years now not a birthday or Christmas card since I was 14 years old.

My DH did want our son, it was his idea to start TTC and he is a great dad but he has nowhere near the responsibility for him that I do it just doesn't happen. He enjoys the fun parts like taking him to the park to play football he never thinks is his nursery bag packed, does he need new shoes, what has he eaten today. Just doesn't enter his head no matter how much I tell him.

I know 3 couples who are now pregnant with their 2nd child and in every case the man has stated that he was happy with the one child but the wife/girlfriend has pushed for the second and they have gone along with it to keep the peace.

CosmoK · 12/11/2019 16:17

shatner I was responding to someone who said you only have to look at Mumsnet to see examples of poor fathers....I simply pointed out that it's not exactly representative of society.

EntropyRising · 12/11/2019 16:19

This certainly does not apply to my husband, or most any of the fathers I know.

littlehappyhippo · 12/11/2019 16:32

@LexitLeft

Mine was a mean post?

And someone starting a thread saying most men don't want children (and it's women pushing them into it etc etc etc,) ISN'T mean? Confused

Yeah OK then........... Hmm

SilverySurfer · 12/11/2019 16:33

Like everything, some are and some aren't

My DM lost 2 before I was born and she said DF was beyond thrilled. My sister was born three years later and he said his life was complete - he had always wanted two daughters. Despite working six days a week, he always found time to play with us etc.

So not all men are the same.

Celebelly · 12/11/2019 16:35

I think DP would have been happy enough without kids and if I hadn't wanted them he'd have been fine with that. As it is, now she's here he's a great dad who is very hands on and he adores her. But equally I think that had we not had her, he would have been satisfied with life then too.

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