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Original poster

To think most men actually don't really want kids?

240 replies

Thickums · 12/11/2019 11:33

Interesting discussion with my friends last night about dating/contraception/children.

We were talking about how a lot of men do say they 'want' kids, but its more of in the way that they'd like a trip to a hawaii or a ferrari. It seems nice to have/do but not much thought past that? If women didn't push having babies then would human race would rapidly decline?

By this i mean, when 'ttc', men just seem to passively go along with it. If women were to be as passive as men then we couldn't really see men 'stepping up', by researching ovulation days, asking to dtd on certain days and then going to the GP entirley off their own back if they didn't get a bfp after a few months of trying.

We then also wondered how long it would actually take men generally to start really pushing the baby issue if women were passive and stopped using protection but didnt actively try either. If women kicked back and carried on living life without much discussion of ttc and just let things happen. Would men keep bringing up actively ttc? Or would they generally just coast along along with their female partners until its too late if pregnancy didn't occur and then just shrug their shoulders that it didn't happen?

If that is the case, then is that why men find it so much easier to walk away from kids? Or dont feel generally as responsible for them? Because they actually weren't all that bothered to begin with. They just go along with having a baby because it's what people do, but not many men actively and purposefully really yearn for it?

Be interested to hear others thoughts amd experiences on this!!

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2019 12:52

I think a lot of people have DC because it's the 'normal' thing to do rather than because they really want them. For most of human history, remember, if you were wealthy you made sure that much of the day-to-day care of small DC was done by servants, so women, no more than men, are 'evolutionarily' wired to yearn for babies and dote on doing all the shitwork.
Some people see having a baby as proof that they are now a grown up. Some men just don't care about contraception and regard any pregnancy as a woman's problem, while some men like to have several DC with different women to prove what a Mighty Penis they have.

TBH the man I would advise any woman to run like fuck from is the one who wants lots of children. This is a man likely to be abusive and controlling.

diddl · 12/11/2019 12:53

"but the actual caring for and tending their needs is too much for his brain to handle. "

Hahahahahahaha!

You don't buy into that & let him do nothing, do you?

CoalTit · 12/11/2019 12:56

@CoalTit what a pair of assholes they sound
Yes, their arrogance and irresponsiblity is mind-boggling. But are they any worse than sofast's husband, pushing for kids and then claiming that he can't possibly feed his child and himself breakfast, so the child loses out?

RhinoskinhaveI · 12/11/2019 12:57

Wanting to prove your virility ie elevate your status in the eyes of others whilst avoiding the actual hard work of being a parent, yes we can say this is normal from a biological perspective in the sense that it lines up with animalistic instincts to persue short-term self-interest.
But humans have the ability to think long term, to sacrifice their immediate self-interest for the good of society as a whole
as a society we need to restructure the incentives such that we all step up to raise the next generation and create a better future

CakeAndGin · 12/11/2019 12:57

My husband wants children more than I do. It’s not because he’s expecting it to be hands off kind of deal, I’ve made it perfectly clear to him that we have no support so we’ve both got to knuckle under. We’ve known a lot of children enter our lives since we started dating, some on my side, some on his. He’s the one to suggest baby sitting and doing the night wakes when I pull my face, he’s the one offering to feed the baby. He’s had far more sick on him than I have and he’s far more capable of changing a nappy than I am. However, when we get to TTC, if he starts trying to tell me what is going on with my body it’s not going to end well.

I have a colleague in his mid forties, no children. He has never been shy to his work colleagues about his desire for children and not in a hands-off way. Another male colleague has recently had a second baby and is going through the sleepless nights stage, plus dealing with the older one. The first colleague is well aware of life with a child and he still wants it, although is accepting that it’s probably not going to happen for him now. He’s even mentioned he’d willing to give up work to look after the kid (senior manager) if his circumstances allowed and he had kids. I also have another colleague that has stayed very invested in his children’s lives despite splitting from their mother. I have worked with at least 3 women in their late forties and fifties whose husbands left the workplace to be the main caregiver.

I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. Another colleague freely admits he had kids because his wife wanted to. However, my experience is that a minority of men feel this way.

ymf117 · 12/11/2019 12:58

I find that a lot of OH's friends have had kids for social norm reasons, however my friends it's very much both wanting to conceive

PrtScn · 12/11/2019 12:58

My OH wanted kids desperately but I didn’t. I gave him ample opportunity to leave me, but he never did. Then we had an oooopsie and I made sure that he 100% understood that I would only keep it if he did 50%+ looking after it.
I don’t think he quite grasped just how awful/hard it would be (we have a high maintenance baby/toddler), and it has thankfully put him off the idea of having any more. To be fair to him though he has been true to his word. I make him do all the nursery runs and change all the nappies. He also gets up in the mornings with him at the weekend so I get a nice lie in. I breastfeed so I do all the nightwakings etc.

Notodontidae · 12/11/2019 12:58

I think it's about 50;50. I know plenty of mums that would rather be doing a career, and not having to change diapers, and help their little ones with painting and puzzles. I also know plenty of father's who help out with washing up, children's sport, and reading to the children, etc.

GhoulieBat · 12/11/2019 13:03

Hmmm my ex was amazingly incompetent and "forgetful" around the kids needs. Not a clue when school days/ terms started and ended, no idea who their friends were, couldn't take them to parries as he "didn't like the noise" (I just love it you see Hmm), wouldn't carry a baby carrier as it hurt his back, couldn't be arsed to give them medicines, and on and on.

Oddly enough he's fine at his high-powered, detailed job and doesn't "forget" to meet up with his mates or do things for friends and colleagues.

It's not that his brain couldn't cope - it's that he wasn't that interested, saw it as my job and basically didn't care.

CosmoK · 12/11/2019 13:13

This is one of the most depressing threads i've read in a long time.

BillHadersNewWife · 12/11/2019 13:13

Yabu I know a number of men who felt a strong urge to be a parent. My DH certainly did. I have a gay friend who was quite desperate for a while.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 12/11/2019 13:16

Opposite in our house. My DH is always saying let’s have another, how many babies shall we have, looking at houses with more bedrooms because he thinks we can accommodate more kids. I’m happy to stick at one.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 12/11/2019 13:19

I agree and of those who actually do claim to want children, they seldom want to do all the work associated and will become resentful and aggressive and try to escape responsibility wherever they can.

CosmoK · 12/11/2019 13:20

I agree and of those who actually do claim to want children, they seldom want to do all the work associated and will become resentful and aggressive and try to escape responsibility wherever they can.

What absolute rubbish

MonChatEstMagnifique · 12/11/2019 13:21

They hardly do any nappies, sickness, bathing, feeding and they arent expected to. Oh they'll give a bottle if someone makes it. They very much see anything like that as "helping" their wife/partner. One said if his wife suddenly wasn't here, the kids would "have to go to her sister

How did these men ever find women willing to date them let alone have sex with them and make a baby. I don't believe they can have been great partners/husbands before children came along, probably the type to 'help' the woman with the housework...you know the house they've 50% made untidy...and then think they deserve a medal for 'helping'. Men like that make me sick. I wish more women didn't stand for it and they'd slowly die out. It's very unattractive when a man can't or doesn't want to look after their children.

DiabloDi · 12/11/2019 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindspot82 · 12/11/2019 13:23

I think women are biologically pre-disposed to pro-create in the same way men are. What that means in action is that men want to screw as much and as often as they can and women do all the necessary things they need to do to have babies and to care for them post-partum to ensure the survival of the species. Its nature at work. That's how it manifests.

HepzibahGreen · 12/11/2019 13:24

I agree OP. I know 1 man-late 40s no kids-who has always wanted them and, I think, would have been a good dad. The rest of the men I know, some are good dads but I think if their female partners had been ambivalent they wouldn't have been keen to make kids happen.
Dp has no kids and was telling me how over the years, as his friends have reproduced are full of the joys for the first year or so and going "mate, you're missing out. You gotta do this". 4 years later they were all "mate, you're so lucky to be childfree and be able to do what you like" 😂
I guess he might still go and have them with someone else, but if he did it would be entirely a biological urge as he knows via mine what hard work it can be.

DiabloDi · 12/11/2019 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LagunaBubbles · 12/11/2019 13:26

think it is too much for his brain, i think his brain works differently, I swear I can see the cogs trying to turn when I talk to him about kid related stuff. It just genuinely hasn't crossed his mind. And hes not failing us, I pick up the slack re kids and I'm happy to, he does adore them, they'd certainly think so. They just dont see all the behind the scene stuff I do that doesn't cross his mind

Haha what a load of rubbish, he's got you exactly where he wants, he's a lazy useless father and it's OK because you know he "adores" the children. Of course, he's failing as a Father.

easyandy101 · 12/11/2019 13:31

I know plenty of men that really do or did want children

I've never really wanted any, it's hard to articulate why

ChileConCarne · 12/11/2019 13:32

But humans have the ability to think long term, to sacrifice their immediate self-interest for the good of society as a whole
^What absolute crap! Literally no one has kids for the good of society. You have them because you want them!

managedmis · 12/11/2019 13:32

Totally agree

managedmis · 12/11/2019 13:33

Good of society?! We're not exactly some micro community

purplepalace · 12/11/2019 13:35

I think you are describing a small segment of the population

Actually I think it's the other way around....the majority of men just go along with what their partner wants as the OP suggests

And there is a small minority f men that really yearn to be fathers.