MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

[Mumto2two]

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

If they really kick off. Tell them.

Ask why they are losing it defending a woman who's said XYZ about them. And then tell them this is the last time you'll discuss this matter. She can only cause problems if you guys engage in them.

Where do her daughters live?

Where she has travelled from or where she has been "abandoned"?

Either way, they are all falling over themselves to help/host her aren't they?

Not just phoning your husband to moan at him/ask him to take her back/sort something out?

he wants to tell her she is not welcome back, whereas I’m not sure that’s the way to deal with this

Good on your DH. Now back him up on this!!!
There is no better way to deal with this.
After years of her bullshit you already know this.
You are a people pleaser.
You want her to 'like' you.
Guess what?
She never ever will. No matter what you do.
You already know what she is.
You already know nothing you do or say will change her.
All you can do is get her out of your life.
She is too toxic for you and your DH so she is too toxic for your DC.
SHE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
Stop expecting it.
Tell her she is not welcome back.
And live a happy peaceful life without her in it!
And if you must have her back (don't be weak on this though) make sure YOU HAVE THIS BOOK ON DISPLAY

"whereas I’m not sure that’s the way to deal with this"

Why?

What are you hoping/waiting for?

Surely "not welcome back" doesn't have to mean cutting her out completely (unless that is wanted).

Just not having her stay again.

Sounds like a win/win to me!

OP you have great insight in to her character - you describe the covert narc traits very clearly and use the language of golden child etc. Makes me think you have looked in to the behaviour in some depth.

You need to take the reading/exploring to the next step where you realise there is NO POINT in second (3rd, 4th etc) chances: explaining why the behaviour is upsetting etc. There is no point. It's not even that your MIL doesn't care. SHE CANNOT CARE. She is NOT EQUIPPED to self-reflect. She has no self-awareness. Being "caught in a lie" means nothing. She has no concept of a lie in the same way emotionally functional people do. Only her narrative matters. I would really recommend: "adult children of emotionally immature parents"

Considering she was allegedly coming over to help her sister, she's hardly alone and abandoned. Has she even been to see her sister yet?

Getting the flying monkeys involved, is part of the script. Remember that when that doesn't work, another part of the script is her own grave illness. So be prepared for when she pulls that trick. You and DH should discuss what you're going to do when that pops up.

Have a read of Toxic Parents, and Toxic In-laws, by Susan Forward if you haven't already. You need to be prepared, and have strategies in place for everything she might try, as she won't give up quietly.

Op, about your DD...

I bet she already knows that some people try and buy their way out of trouble. It's sad, but she when she recognises her Grandmother is unkind to people and behaves badly I'd be surprised if the presents and gushing fool her anymore.

You need to say 'grandma doesn't follow the rules about being nice to each other. She hurts peoples' feelings and behaves very badly. Saying nice things and bringing presents doesn't make it ok.'

Well done @Mumto2two. Stay strong for your DH too incase he waivers as the flying monkeys take to the skies

I'll bet her DDs are ringing the phone off the hook. If she's at their brother's, she's not at THEIRS! If you & DH tell her no more visits then she'll be on their doorsteps more frequently.

Not your problem!!

Hi op
You came here to rant and for advice,you're given it in spades,yet are constantly making excuses as to why you cannot tell her she is not welcome!
Of course she walks all over you,you practically lay down and invite her to.
Show your dc that you will protect them in their own home from this nasty individual by not allowing her back.
Don't keep drip feeding lame excuse after lame excuse,come back when you have explained to her she in unwelcome to return to your home and why.
Then leave her to think through her behaviour.Don't back down..not today,next month or next year.
Show your dc that nobody can disrespect or manipulate,lie and bully their way through their lives.
Your choice,not mils,yours.now make it.

If indeed this woman never darkens you’re door again, it’s all worthwhile

If you don’t back up your h and help him keep the resolve you’ll damage your own family as a result.

You all deserve better than putting up with this woman.

And 100% yes in agreement that you tell the flying monkeys what she’s said about them!

Narcissists like to skulk in the shadows, shine your brightest torch of reality at them so that everyone can see what they are and what they’re doing.

Guaranteed result is that the narc will stay the fuck away from you if they know you’re going to show them for the frauds they are.

Your door

Thank you Karmastar, after my morning post earlier, that’s exactly where I’m at today. DH knows it is the only way and so do I! No more guilt-trips and making excuses in my head (heart?) for her behaviour. It’s not just ‘me’ and the way I feel when she is around, it is the way SHE makes us feel. Of course it seems crazy that we have allowed this woman under our roof year on year to feel the same core shaken depths time after time from her domineering presence in our home, I would never have believed it could be possible for an MIL to a) behave in this way, and b) put up with it for so long! But there it is, classic covert narcissism at its brain spinning worst. Yes I have read a lot about it, after someone pointed it out to me a few years back, and had never ever encountered anyone with these traits, apart from the abusive ex. and that same guilt-ridden complex I had then too. It never occurred to me that an MIL could have the same effect! Thank you Ghouliebat for your understanding words. Unless someone has experienced coercive behaviour like this, it really is hard to convey how torn it can make you feel. Anyway, this stay under our roof has been thankfully cut short, and I can honestly say with complete resolution, that this lady will not be sharing our roof space again. Thank you all

Hi @mum2two

Just wanted to say that I understand the extra burden of guilt when a difficult parent visits from overseas. It's taken me 2 years of therapy so far and I'm still not able to stand up to mine (and her horrendous visits.)

Good luck! I've enjoyed reading the advice in this thread.

I still think you should spell out every little reason to her and the other in laws. Just to make it 100% clear that she doesn't respect you or your boundaries.

Stay strong!

@Mumto2two - it will not be easy, some of the hardest emotional work you will do. But it will be worth it. Best of luck.

Just tell your dh that's she's not welcome. Every time she comes over, you go out.

Tbh I'd just be bloody rude to her, what's the worse that can happen? She storms out and never comes back - bonus

Mumto2two - hurrah! bloody well done to get to that point and resolve between you that That's IT, you're done.

Now you just have to stick to it next year!

And in the meantime, be prepared for her to have some kind of ill health now - cancer and heart attacks are favourites for these people - but do NOT fall for it. She will also start suggesting that it might be her "last visit"/"last Christmas" etc. - ignore it, she's lying.

Stay strong and stay together.

@Mumto2two you seem a kind person. Narcissists are manipulators and they target kind people because they're easy to manipulate. Your MIL will never change. It will be hard, but ignore all attempts to guilt-trip you and keep in mind that your goal is to protect you and your family.

Wow - well done OP.
You allowed it to continue for so long because you are a nice person.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
Keep strong.
The flying monkeys will around very soon.
They don't want her around so will be expecting you to carry on as normal.

@thumbwitchesabroad you are spot on! In the days after she arrived, she repeatedly dropped the ‘Oh I don’t know how long I’ll be able to do this journey, it will probably be my last’....and then it dawned on me, that she says it every time..
There is thankfully no possibility of her just popping around, she is now 100 miles away, with the sister who wasn’t expecting her, and now has to put her up for another 2 weeks, and the BIL who is perfectly well.
It’s all farcical really, and thanks to brutally honest mumsnet, I’m feeling strangely empowered! I have recounted all we have endured over the years, her crass bossy insensitivity and lack of regard for anything that should be our decision or our domain, her disregard for basic privacy and autonomy of when to eat..or even what to eat and how to eat! She just cannot accept that her adult children are autonomous beings, and while we are lucky to be a very long flight away, she visits one daughter who lives a 4 hour flight away..about every 2nd month..and stays for 2 weeks at a time. And lives 20 minutes away from the other sister, who she practically lives with. The partners seem to keep a low profile when she is there....which is hardly surprising, and often makes derogatory comments about the partners in a way that suggests they just don’t match up to her. She runs their show as they ‘need’ her there. She is everyone’s saviour, and wants everyone to know it.
After the upset of DH telling her she needs to stay away, and his sisters calling to berate us for our appalling treatment of his mum...he has continued to ignore any subsequent calls, and we received a text last night from the sister (who is her mum in the making)..telling us how upset Mum is..she was only trying to help after all..
That says it all really.
Onwards and upwards!

Your dh needs to deal with this and pull her up on her behaviour. sorry but bathing into your room when your undressed is so disrespectful! Never heard of knocking!!

Definitely need to avoid the mini-mum sister, that's for sure! And the other one too if she's another "flying monkey".

So glad you and your DH are on the same page with this, and have taken such a strong stance. You're doing great! and your DD2 will get over it - AND it will be better for her not to have that really quite negative role model in her life!