MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

[Mumto2two]

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

I would have packed her bag and called her a taxi by now! You clearly have the patience of a saint!

OP, I'd be careful: right now, your kids aren't her target, but they won't be immune from targeting forever. If you can't put up boundaries for yourself, do it for your kids, who will soon have to deal with this themselves with no model of how to stand up to her.

(I might sound harsh, but I speak from experience.)

If you can't just say she's outstayed her welcome, then, she invented a deathbed to get her own way so you invent a catastrophe that prevents her from returning.
Boilers blown up, cold water tank bust and flooded the guest room, you've all contracted the plague...

(DH) so cross about her behaviour he wants to tell her she is not welcome back, whereas I’m not sure that’s the way to deal with this. There must be a way of relaying our upset about her behaviour, without being so blunt and cruel

And so it continues, until the next thread

I'm out ...

@kelly781 I totally agree

I’ve certainly got no sights on martyrdom and that’s not what my reluctance is about. My children don’t have any other gp, and DH was naturally worried for his mum after his dad passed away some years ago.
There are many MIL issues posted about on here, but the covert kind can really screw with your head, it’s hard to explain how nice and normal they can make everything appear. When she comes into my room unannounced, it’s like she thinks that is just familiarity because we are family. Maybe some families do have that relaxed attitude, but I doubt it ever extends to the in-laws!
As for what we do now, DH has called her tonight for a chat and suggested she stays with her sister for the next week, and there’s a hotel near us for when she returns. She wasn’t at all happy as she has come all this way and she doesn’t know when she’ll next get to spend time with us, to which DH said it was a shame, but this really wasn’t a good time, and she should have discussed it with us before she booked. He also asked her about the sick BIL, and she tried to defend it by saying ‘well he was quite sick for a time’, and sister needed me. Turns out sister didn’t even know she was coming to England either! She likes to feel like everyone needs her, but tonight I think she’s clear on the fact that we don’t. Am going to have to tell dd that grandma won’t be back so soon afterall.....
Thanks everyone for your comments, and apologies to those who have heard it all before

Your DH doesn’t want her back, and you are going to allow her back. You’re setting your DDs up to be victims of abusive relationships. Her behaviour is wrong, but it’s ok because she’s subtle about it and buys them stuff?

FFS. She’s a problem, and so are you.

You don't need to explain how bad your MiL is. My BIL died. She was on top form. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people.

The bad things happening don't then make them good people worthy of other people having to put up with abuse from them.

You think it was easy to lay boundaries with DH when his mother was apparently grieving her son?! You think it's fun looking like the bitch during that time?

But from her behaviour during that time she's been cut out of 2 sons lives and the third barely tolerated her.

Everyone is happy.

At some point you've got to decide you matter.

At least your husband has handled it decently. You could learn something here

Why on earth do you want your children to have a relationship with an abuser? No grandparents is better than having an abusive grandparent. Your child is learning that people can behave badly, but then buy you off. That's only going to lead to terrible relationships when they grow up. What an example to set.

And you know she's an abuser, you said it yourself, so knowing that, why are you still reluctant to stop her having so much power?

Do not let her worm her way back in, and if your husband has had the balls to tell her to stay elsewhere, don't undermine him.

Mumto2Two - your DH has said he doesn't want her back. Your DD1 has got her sussed and doesn't want her back.
YOU don't want her back but you don't want to hurt HER feelings? And you'd rather let your DD2 find out the hard way what a fucker her grandmother actually is, than give her a heads up now??

Your priorities are well screwed up, missus.

All you're doing, in effect, is lying down and letting her walk on you, and kick you a bit more while you're down there.

If your DH wants to tell her she's not welcome back, then LET HIM!!

And tell your DD2 - "yes, grandma had a nice idea but it would have been MUCH NICER if she'd checked with us first to see if it was a good day for us to go. Grandma needs to remember to be considerate of others' plans too!"

But above all, stop prioritising her feelings over the rest of you!

HUh, didn't refresh enough.

Good for your DH! And I agree, learn from him. If you can't make the hard decisions, then LET HIM!

Thank goodness she's gone.

Good that your dh is keeping her at arms length. You sound to be part of the issue because you don’t want to put boundaries in place with her.

My dd has been aware of the shit my mother has pulled because it was against her when she was 7. My dd knows he’d grandma is a complex woman. She still loves her. But I am bringing her up to be aware of others. I don’t think you’re doing your dd any favours by keeping the perfect grandma image alive.

OFGS!
Having no grandparent is better than having that grandparent! What is wrong with you?

Plenty of children grow up without one
It's not the end of the world. And they don't need an abusive one.

Listen to your husband and stop her coming back

And just what is she going to get up to when you leave her alone in your house? She has no boundaries and she will investigate every cupboard and drawer. There won’t be an inch of your home that isn’t examined. She needs to leave before you go away. Just be bold ask her if she needs any help with packing and sit her down in a concerned way and ask if she is okay as unacceptable behaviour like walking into peoples bedrooms and bathrooms when they are naked and saying hurtful things can be a marker for dementia- she is showing a distinct lack of inhibitions. Just tell her that you are making notes on what she says and does - just in case you need to speak to her Dr.

You blame your mil but in fact it's you and your DH who are to blame.

It matters not a jot how complex mil is.

If you and your DH grew a pair you would deal with the situation.

But you are both cowards

And your D.C. are effected badly too? Shame on you @mumto2two.

Shame
On
You

Here is what to do.
Homework for you.
Practice these words until you have them in your head and can say them aloud to MIL.
NO
IT'S NOT HAPPENING
FUCK OFF.

Unfortunately some people are rude and the only way to deal with them is to be rude back

You know what, you are all so right. I felt quite humiliated reading some of these posts, but rightly so. I’ve allowed that woman to make me feel like this, and in that sense have nobody to blame but myself. I’m not sure why some people think I want her back? I certainly don’t! DH and I didn’t get to sleep until 4am going over the whole sorry saga. I actually felt quite relaxed and bolstered before she arrived, because we’re having work done on the house and there’s a lot going on, I thought it would have been a good distraction and I could handle her this time. But yes I was wrong on every level. The dilemma we had yesterday, was whether DH should just tell her it was an inconvenient time and it was better she stayed away elsewhere, and he would give her a lift to the airport if needed, but that would be it...or whether he should specifically recount her behaviour and the reasons why we don’t want her here any more. Having called her out on her behaviour before, we know that wouldn’t have fixed anything, so the keep away sign on our door will be firmly fixed from now on.
After last night’s chat, she is hugely upset, she has rung her daughters crying that she has been abandoned on the other side of the world, and now he is ignoring their calls.. I have never felt this resolute about not wanting her under my roof again, and MN is the best kick up the rear there is. Thanks everyone for your honesty!

Good on you.

She's not 'abandoned on the other side of the world', the silly melodramatic woman. She's got a return ticket and funds. If her daughters are buying into her histrionics, then definitely ignore their calls. And return this package to sender. . .

Go you!!

Honestly if your DH has the courage he can answer the calls and just say. 'I am dealing with this situation. It has nothing to do with you'

The best thing that happened to all the BILs was realise how much their mother shit stirred between them. The minute they started telling her they didn't want to hear about their siblings gossip she lost a lot of her power.

Mummyoflittledragon I’m definitely not trying to portray or preserve any idyllic image of my daughter’s grandma. She has witnessed arguments and conversations about her behaviour and how to deal with it, and it upsets her as her as it’s her grandma, and she says she loves her. She doesn’t see or hear everything that grandma does or know how she operates, she hasn’t seen her since last year, and was excited she was coming. She sees the gifts and the gushing dotage on her arrival and the that she mucked in and helped out with moving furniture and emptying our cupboards (having decided that this is what we should do)....hasn’t grandma been so kind & helpful...

Sorry love but ......... She'll be back ..........
and for later.
Good luck.

You're doing great OP - you've taken all these comments really well, and you're getting tougher with her. I wanted to say I don't think it's all on you - people like this, whether consciously or not, have perfected ways to control you and make you feel guilty - like sucking up to the kids, crying and being a martyr when they're told no etc - and those methods will often work better on women who have generally been socialised to be caring to not to want to upset people.

I know how difficult it can be because I put up with similar from my own mum for many years and somehow didn't want to upset her, even though she royally upset me all the time! It's hard to break free of that stuff.

You mentioned an abusive ex - their control methods are well-known and women are forgiven for finding it hard to stand up to an abusive partner, but this woman is similar.

Enjoy your peace and calm without her and well done

Contraceptionismyfriend... yes we too have had all the unkind gossip about his sisters and the partners she clearly doesn’t like either. No doubt I am vilified amongst them too!