MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

[Mumto2two]

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

Flying monkeys as predicted by PP! Stay strong OP.

It’s interesting how different the advice is from friends in RL. Strangely enough my single childless friends, are always of the ‘suck it up’, she’s an old lady and she’s not here often line of advice, as they clearly don’t appreciate the damage that being treated this way can do. And yes she’s an ‘older’ lady than me, (73) but she’s fit and healthy and does Pilates three times a week..comes from a long line of centenarians, so could well be around after I’m long gone! It’s that advice that often makes me question my anger and upset, and makes me welcome her back with open arms. I guess I’d been listening to the wrong people for far too long..

* I guess I’d been listening to the wrong people for far too long..*

What about listening to yourself?

You’re the one actually experiencing it.

If you have friends that have never closely encountered a narcissist or similar that just can't get their head around how awful and damaging they are.

Many family meme bees are irritating/hard work and yes we need to be tolerant etc. Narcissist is a while different matter...

What is your (pl) plan for if when she arrives on your doorstep to stay for the remainder of her visit? Because there's no way she's going to a hotel!!

To begin with, I'd put a lock on my bedroom door.

@Singlenotsingle - it's moved a lot.
No need for that.
She's not returning to their home ever again!

@lovemenorca That’s what I said to my husband, this is how it is affecting ME. Not her, my friends or anyone else.
Childless friend has excused her behaviour as that of a doting old mum who is missing her son, and I am wrong to stand up to her in this way..after many years of putting up with it. She’ll be gone soon..just try and be patient. And they they are worried about me now, and this unusually strong stance of rejection towards her...as I am usually so kind and patient and..forgiving!!
DH knows he can visit her, take her to airport for trip home etc..but she is not coming here to this house. I am clear on that much

Haha, I'm thinking you might want to review your friendships through your new open-eyed goggles, Mumto2two - they're not advantage-takers as well, are they? Think carefully about it - do they do stuff for you as much as you do for them? They might not like to see you suddenly standing up for yourself, in case it harms their ability to take the piss!!

They might not be like that at all, but sometimes people like to see others "kept in their place" so it doesn't mess with how they think people should behave.

I've seen it happen before - both in the piss-taking types, but also in the "friends" of friends trying to give up smoking, for e.g. - they're very unsupportive of the change, because it changes their view of the friend, but also makes them feel uncomfortable, as though the giver-upper is somehow looking down on them for still smoking. So they try to sabotage it for the giver-upper! It's not nice to see.

Or they could just simply not have the first clue what they're talking about, and no experience of a narc, so their opinions aren't necessarily helpful to you anyway.

I think the SiLs May be panicking a bit. After all, the will get even more of her time now and... they will have to justify to themselves why they still put up with it.

Every time she gets away with it, it enables her to carry on and even escalate.

I find people who have lovely or even passable MiLs and DMs are very quick to assure us we should just put up with it. Give them some real exposure, and they'd quickly change their tune.

Many people have no imagination, so unless they've experienced something outside of the norm, they can't imagine it. You see it all the time on here.

I also wonder if your friend is like Thumbwitches suggested. You standing up for yourself, could make them feel threatened.

Follow your gut. If something, or someone makes you feel uncomfortable, it doesn't matter what it is, or who they are, you're not unreasonable to say no, whatever other people think or say.

Trust in yourself.

@Mumto2two what convinced you she was a covert narcissist and not just trying her best but misunderstood? I think I have a similar situation and I can’t stop going over things in my head and swinging back and forth with how she makes me FEEL and how petty it sounds to other people and her defence of ‘I didn’t mean it that way’. She’s either the thickest person I’ve ever met, who has no concept of body language/social etiquette/comfort of another person or she’s plain manipulative and nasty! I know that if close friends met her they’d say she was a very intense and unrelaxed person.

I could go crazy overthinking it all. In all honesty - I’m an anxious person and definitely prone to being controlling myself. It plays on me massively that maybe I just don’t like her because I’m paranoid and feel threatened by her (she does intimidate me). Are these insecurities that a covert narcissist takes advantage of or is it possible I’m just a batshit DIL?

Not sure if you can relate to anything I’ve written. Would appreciate your honesty though.

Well done standing up for yourself OP, you might hate that it took time but at least you have now.

If I was your DH I'd be tempted to ask Dsis how often she allows her MIL to barge in on her starkers, call her fat and generally be a cow. Sadly I doubt it would do any good, grey rock the flying monkeys and if they start throwing shit refuse to interact until they butt out.

@Purpledog32 I can completely relate to what you are saying, that is exactly the toing and froing I have done with this for so many years. Questioning whether the way she makes me feel is just my own sensitive discord, or whether her behaviour would make anyone feel that way.
I think we all have some varying degrees of wanting to be ‘in control’ over aspects of our lives, or what or who is in them; but most of us have an element of awareness or etiquette on knowing when to hang back on letting that inner instinct take over our thoughts and our actions towards people. I too have questioned and researched the covert narcissist label, after every visit I would need to learn a little bit more! And what you describe is so familiar; she too is incredibly uptight and almost awkwardly so, but it’s a juxtaposition of traits like her extreme grandiosity and pseudo warmth / cold lack of empathy, that make it seem more likely she warrants that label. Her uptight nature could suggest she is insecure..yet she is the kind of person who demands service loudly and abruptly in restaurants and shops. Demands rushed off their feet waiters in a coffee shop, to come wipe crumbs off her chair, before she will sit down. Points out tiny faults with an air of almost disdainful grandeur, no matter who it is.
She is not spiritual in any way, which is fair enough; but what GM would cold heartedly tell their 4 yr old GC that her beloved GD hasn’t gone to heaven..he is just dust in the dirt now, and that’s a silly fairytale.
She is strangely cold towards animals and pets in general, and has no warmth but a chilling disdain for her DD’s new little pet.
She has completely lacked any genuine warmth or empathy for all our troubles and significant events. An almost 5 month miscarriage was ‘one of those things’, and she was so cock a hoop at the sister announcing her pregnancy shortly afterwards, that she somehow forgot my baby was due the week she rang up asking if I would buy her a nice stock of baby clothes in the UK shops and send them over for her. And when told of my upset by DH, her response was a banal and uncaring, grandiose ‘oh dear’.
I could go on and on...but it all seems to fit with that label of covert narcissism. It’s such an interesting reflection, and I totally know what you mean. Thank you for your post.

She’s either the thickest person I’ve ever met, who has no concept of body language/social etiquette/comfort of another person or she’s plain manipulative and nasty!

I've had this worry too about my mum, and also to an extent about my exP. Like HOW could someone be so uncaring and hurtful, unless they either genuinely don't realise, or are viciously cruel and scheming... or is it that I'm seeing things that aren't there? My mum always said "you're so OVERSENSITIVE! if I ever pointed out that she'd been hurtful.

I actually think though that it's possible to be like this subconsciously - to genuinely think you are a nice, lovely person, while unleashing your own issues in the form of nastiness to others, then convince yourself it's them who has the problem. With my mum I think she really saw no boundary between me and herself - I was just an appendage of her, so making nasty remarks about my appearance, invading my privacy, overstepping boundaries etc was no different to a conversation with herself inside her head.

@Mumto2two those similarities are uncanny. I’m sorry to hear how awful she was about the loss of your little one. I hope you had family around that could offer more love and support at that time. She sounds callous.

We have a very loved dog, she’s very much one of our family, and MIL constantly refers to her as ‘it’. I’ve also had her ask me several times with a smirk whether I’d cry if a pet died. And when I answer in the positive you get a ‘oh really? Wow’ shocked expression with a smile. All very odd behaviour that sets me on edge. Ive also had to quietly apologise to waiters before for her rudeness. It’s all veiled with her apparent appreciation for fine food, but she’s downright rude and sneers at waiting staff as they list in minute detail the ingredients of something she wants to order (at her request), and then loudly snorts and says she won’t be ordering that.

And yet she behaves in a very insecure way, as though she is so anxious and fretful about how she comes across. This usually has my DH feeling bad for her that she’s so misunderstood, so I now think that is all part of a wider manipulation.

@GhoulieBat I think you also hit the nail on the head there. If it is like you describe, then I see it as some sort of emotional immaturity - which perhaps isn’t as sinister as a narcissist

@Purpledog32 They are uncannily similar! On a recent pub lunch outing; MIL made a fuss about where we were sitting. It was too ‘busy’..so we were moved. 5 minutes later it was ‘draughty’, so we were moved closer to the fire. And lo and behold that was too hot..and she insisted on being moved back to the first spot. All the while with a grumpy air of irritated superiority..not a smile or a thank you for the poor bemused waiter.

@GhoulieBat Your appendage comment also rings true...MIL still wants to speak and decide for her adult children..they are not separate autonomous human beings...but mere extensions of her image. When they do things that are not agreeable to her, she will make it known. When they do things that are agreeable, her pride is almost pompous. It may well all be sub-conscious and unintended, but it doesn’t make it any less damaging to be around. I am enjoying my new found peace..knowing she is actually in the country but the drawbridge is up!