MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

[Mumto2two]

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

Good grief, what a dreadful creature. If you can bear to interact with her at all have you tried repeating the spiteful things back to her?
Eg:
MIL: You can do with missing a meal
YOU: I can do with missing a meal? What does that mean? DH, do you know what MIL means by telling me I can do with missing a meal?

Keep repeating until she squirms. Don't let her get away without explaining herself and her spiteful comments. Just make everything really uncomfortable for her.
"MIL, you know when you barged in on me in the shower this morning? Can I ask why you did that? Can I ask why you lied and said Jim was gravely ill?" Just make it really uncomfortable for her. If she has the ability to feel uncomfortable that is, it sounds like she probably doesn't to be honest.

This is high on the lists of reasons why I’m divorced. Whenever ex mil did things like this, exh would say ‘well she’s my mum what can I do?!’

You and me both, Choice - possibly even OP too if this stupidity carries on

As a PP said, there's nothing to stop the Dh continuing a relationship with her if he chooses ... somewhere else

Ugh i wouldn't put something like this past my own MIL!
Why do these women not feel embarrassed about visiting when they are not wanted?

OP I have to say I just can’t relate to you at all! In your shoes I would honestly have told her she was an ugly bitch if she’d called me fat! And would have marched over to her, grabbed her around the neck and shoved her out of my bathroom if she walked in like that. And slapped her if she dared to protest. And would then have chucked her clothes out of the window and told her to get out of my house!

Where is your backbone???

I’m sorry, I know I sound really harsh but literally the only reason people like her act the way they do is because people like you allow them to and don’t put them in their place. You and your husband need to kick her out and then go completely no contact with her. No contact, whatsoever at all. Ignore all calls, don’t let her in if she turns up. You are 50 and this is your house! Start acting like it!

She's not your problem , she's your husbands.
why do you encourage her to treat you like this.
I couldn't stand it so she wouldn't be getting past my front door.
more fool you.

Throw the fucker out. Sod waiting for your DH to sort this. You have your own relationship with the dreadful creature, you can make your own rules.

I agree with getting a bedroom door lock. Put it on the outside of her bedroom door when she's asleep

eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!)

Nope. Don’t believe this happened

I do! It's not rational, it's just a way to feel superior and try to splurge venom at you and make you feel shit. For some women, being fat is the worst crime they can think of so they use it as an insult. My mum is like this - she's constantly criticised and commented on my weight, whether I was overweight or really slim, making endless remarks ands digs.

If you want to be passive aggressive about it - any foods you know she absolutely hates? That you could serve every night - and warmed up for lunch? If she likes white wine, make sure you only have red in. . .

Up at the crack of dawn, all the lights on, the radio blaring merrily away, throw her door open with a cheery 'good morning MIL, how are we today?! I've brought you your (made exactly how she hates it) cup of tea - be down to breakfast by 7.30 prompt, it will be only served until 7.45. . .

Turn the hot water down to tepid, or have your showers in the evening and turn it off so it's cold in the morning. . .

If you do any of her washing, make sure it either shrinks or colours run it. Any ironing - make sure there's a burn hole. . .

Is she rich?

I would go and stay in a hotel.

I just couldn’t deal with this.

Been there and endured that for 10+ years, the best thing I ever told dh was she was no longer welcome to stay over in our home as, while I was thick skinned enough to stand up to her nastiness in short doses it just wasn't on 24/7 and especially now there was a child in earshot.

She'd had her chances, it was in her nature and she wasn't going to change, so when she visited she could book into a b&b or hotel and come to visit, then we all get a bit of space and hopefully get on a bit better.

It was his mum so dh told her the news that due to the atmosphere SHE caused it had to be this way now, it didn't go down well, but she was told she was more than welcome to visit while up here but if she showed up at the door she would be taken to a hotel/b&b to book in and she could come over to visit when dh was in.

Relationship was civil after that, she made some tentative comments occasionally about having to stay in b&b/cost, which I either ignored, or just said, well it is good that we all get our own space to relax.

Once it was done I never relented and she never stayed again. Bliss.

You haven't said in your updates why your DH is letting his Mum treat you like this?

Hi @Puzzledandpissedoff! Marvel everyday at how much better life is now!

As with others... your partner needs to be involved in the way forward with your MIL.
What you have told us about is disgraceful behaviour.
If I’m honest... the words “Off you fuck!” would have tripped off my tongue .

@Mumto2two so what are you doing about it? She has insulted you and lied to you which shows she has no respect for you.

As PP said, come here and have a moan but don't moan and do nothing about her.

DP's mum is a grandiose narcissist. I found her amusing in small doses until she came to stay with us one Christmas. She treated the two of us like staff, she complained, made demands, expected everything to revolve around her and she was utterly ungrateful and oblivious to anyone else's needs.

I said to DP that she'll never change and if he hosts her again, I'll go elsewhere. He's happily never had her to stay since (we pretend to be going away and she makes other plans).

OP, try to get your DH on board and don't let her back in.

I wouldn't have her under my roof get your husband to go and stay at hers if he wants to see her, or stick her in a b&b if you must.

OP, by any means, don't go to a hotel. She needs to go, not you, this is YOUR home.

It actually sounds like we have the same MIL except 95% of the times when she wants to visit DP says no.

Please tell her something. My FIL used to comment on my weight and I got so pissed off that I said "SO WHAT? Please never mention my weight EVER AGAIN as it's none of your business"

Remember, OP, if you don't do it now, things will only get worse.

I genuinely don’t understand how people put up with this. The only thing you could say that you’d regret is “thanks for coming, lovely to see you” as it might encourage her back.

Telling her to leave isn’t something to regret. “MIL, we feel you’ve been here long enough, and we’d like you to leave by Wednesday. Either go home, stay with your sister, or book a B&B. We’ve hosted you for long enough, and we’d like our space back.”

What’s so hard?

I'm throwing you a penny
Now rant

All this “get your DH to deal with it”

WTF? The OP is a grown-assed woman and the MIL is in her house.

Obviously your DH should have said something. Pathetic. However even if he did say something, I still would telling MIL exactly goes unacceptable her behaviour.

Wow. Quite frankly am so shocked at some of these comments!! Is that how you all were brought up with no respect, that's somebody's mother! So you all would love it if your brothers wife was to kick your mother out on the streets, telling her to F off!! Or even when your own sons wife kicks you out when one day you are a mil. Yes the mil isn't being nice towards the poster, but you can advise her in better terms with how to deal with it.

Just for starters I'd put firm bolts on bedroom and bathroom doors!

If a person bursts in on me naked in my own home, lies and manipulates to come visit, comments rudely upon my weight, then I'm afraid, that mother or no mother, she's going to get her arse handed to her on a platter.

If my mother did that to me, or to my husband, damned right she'd be shown the door (okay, not the comments about the weight, I accept that to an extent from my own mother), and told not to come back until her mother had taught her some bloody manners.

When my daughters have partners I would never be so rude, arrogant, vicious, or stupid, to behave in such a manner towards them. Because my daughters would hand my arse to me on a platter. And most probably book me in for a mental health assessment.