MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

[Mumto2two]

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

I'm wondering how he is the golden child when she treats him like shit?

Anyway, how come she is still welcome & nothing said to her?

Why do you both put up with it?

In fact, I'd be sending her on her way today for treating you that way - but I'm nice enough to give her a couple of days notice to organise her return trip or alternative plans (not involving your family).

where is DH in all this? I would let him deal with it but is he on the same page with you?

Ask her pointedly when she is leaving. Then say that you or DH will drive her home as soon as she is ready, preferably today.

Do you pull her up at all on her shitty behaviour? Honestly, if my MIL had burst in on me in a state of undress like yours did and acted as if it was nothing then I would have screeched "GET OUT" at her like a banshee. The whole town would have been able to hear me and MIL would have been in no doubt about where she stood.

Stop being a doormat. Tell her to shut the fuck up or go home. Even better, pack her bags and call a taxi. She treats you this way because you let her. I expect you will ignore any advice and just put up with it.

I’d deal with it by expecting DH to ask her to move into a hotel and if that was unsuccessful I’d be moving into the hotel for the remainder of her visit and reassessing my marriage.

Stop exaggerating. If she was really this bad you would have said something before.

Wait til she says something and shout "Bingo... tick..." and laugh... makes my MIL wind her neck in.

"(she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival),"

She can only do that though because you let her.

And as with a pp, if MIL had walked in on me there would have been such a scream & then a scream at her to get the fuck out that neighbours would have come running!

So what did you say to her?

Wait till she's out, put her bags outside and lock the door. Send a cheery text telling her you're sorry she can't stay longer but you've got plans and she showed up without asking.

Every time she appears out of nowhere (bedroom, bathroom) SCREAM your head off.
Most guests wait to be invited to stay.
Before she leaves, tell her that you are not sure when you will be able to invite her over, but you will let her know. Best she does not plan anything until then.
DH needs to say this, really.
or just tell her to fuck off and she is not welcome again

How would I deal with her? I'd kick her out of my house and expect my DH to back me up. If he didn't I'd kick him out too.

100% this!

Tell me, why the fuck don't you lock your bedroom and bathroom doors. Surely that would solve the barging in problems, although nothing will stop her being an entitled bitch.

Why do you allow her into your home like this? She is acting as if she owns the place. She doesn't. I presume you and DH do.

Tell her that she is no longer welcome because of hi shitty behaviour and that she can bugger off.

Blimey I thought my MIL was bad and she is but not as bad as yours. Just had a visit with 24 h notice I won’t bore you with the details.

Firstly buy a lock for the bathroom door. I think you need to try and be more assertive in your home. I know how hard that is. Get DH to talk to her and DO NOT CANCEL ANY PLANS for this woman.
Does DH have any married brothers if he does you may find a friend in your sister in law.

Why would you not repack her bag

I wouldn't waste the energy....I'd physically put her out the door and sling her stuff out the window. She can pack it herself on the bloody pavement!

she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival

"Sorry MIL, we have plans. We're free [ ] if you'd like to visit. There's a lovely B&B on X Street, shall we book it for you?"

This is your home after all and she is treating you and her son here with the utmost contempt.

I have to look at your H in all this as well as you. Why is he allowing his mother to act like this in your home?. Fear, obligation and guilt I suppose are playing into all this along with his own inertia when it comes to his mother.

Its really not possible to have a relationship with someone as disordered of thinking as his mother is.

I'll echo others, where is your DH in all of this? Does he not see how his mother's behaviour is affecting you (and hopefully him)? If he won't put his foot down, then there is your problem. She may act like an entitled diva, but your DH is allowing it to happen. Fix that, and you fix the problem.

Does she really just show up at your doorstep with her bags and say "Here I am!!!"? Do you have even 24 hours notice?

At this point (if my DH wouldn't handle it himself) I'm afraid I'd let blast with both barrels. If she walked in on me/us I'd scream at the top of my lungs "Get OUT, MiL, can't you see I'm undressed!!!" or "Get OUT, MiL, can't you see that DH and I are in bed!!!". I'd argue and stomp and make her visit as uncomfortable as possible for her and (hopefully even more so) for DH.

Or, I'd check myself into the most expensive hotel in town for the duration of her visit and treat myself to room service.

She doesn't seem happy in your home, so at the very least I'd suggest she stay in a B&B. Privacy works both ways, next time she has a bath or shower, it's your turn just to walk in on her!

This has to be a wind-up. OP you know what the solution is!

Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret

Hells teeth she is godawful!
Best advice I can give you is to say something AND not regret a word of it.

She walks into your bedroom without knocking?
"Hoy! Dont you ever knock? Dont to that again."

Ditto the shower:
"Get the FUCK out of my bathroom & learn some respect."

Expecting to come on your trip?
"No, it was planned for us, it is only for us, & no amount of sulking or whinging it going to change that fact."

Tells you you are fat?
"Piss off you old trout. Next time you insult me in my own home I will throw you out."

There will be fallout, & she will run the classic narc gambits of taking offence / only being misunderstood / turning it all back on you but really - you are getting grief anyway, so you may as well establish terms.
Once she knows you will not tolerate her shit, she will give you less of it.

Why do (either of) you not tell her NO when she announces a visit in 48 hours time?

Fuck me I'd be filling my days with strictly solitary activities if DH insisted on allowing this, knowing what she is like. Tough shit if she stops or sulks - tell her you'll take her to the train station just as soon as she has packed in that case.

"Piss off you old trout." :o

Why did you and her son say it was OK for her to come when you had plans?
What is he going to say to her about her outrageous behaviour?

Because obviously, as she's his mother, he's going to deal with her, right?

Otherwise, if he lets you deal with the angst and the stress and nastiness, then the apple ain't fallen far from the tree tbh.

Sorry, didn't notice you said she gives 2 days notice.

That's plenty of time to say 'NO!'. Why don't you?