MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

[Mumto2two]

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

Kelly781...tea n cake aint gonna sort this MIL out...the OPs DH appears nowhere to be seen and he isn;t sorting it out so it is down to OP for the sake of her mental health.Simply put the MIL has to go and I dont think politeness would cut it with her...

@kelly781 don't be so ridiculous. Laying back and making sperm meet egg doesn't mean someone gets to be a cunt.
If I Found out my mother was being a bitch to somebody I'd stay out of it and hope that she got put in her place.

My MiL hasn't ever met my youngest and hasn't seen the others in two years. Because she doesn't know how to be a decent person.

The fact she is a mother means Jack shit.

@kelly781 for some reason changed her name or joined mumsnet in order to post that daft response!

@kelly781 I cannot imagine ever walking into my sons bedroom without knocking first - and he still lives at home. No way in hell I'd do it if he was living with a partner. This woman treats op like shit so she's well entitled to tell her to fuck right off. What would you suggest she do - sit down and try to reason with a woman who has no respect for her, her privacy, her home? Ya, like that's going to work with a narcissist.

How about putting a lock on the outside of her bedroom door and locking her IN?!

Quite frankly am so shocked at some of these comments!! Is that how you all were brought up with no respect

@kelly781, have you actually read the OP's posts? How much "respect" would you like to be paid to a woman who barges into a marital bedroom, intrudes without shame on a naked DiL in the shower, & invents huge lies about a family member having a terminal illness?

Or is respect not a two-way street for you?

@mbosnz 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@mbosnz 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Is that a good thing?! I'm not fully au fait with emoji speak. . .

@mbosnz absolutely. I loved your comment, spot on!

Goodness gracious, no. I'd be putting my foot down. If she cannot be nice then she isn't welcome. DH would be strongly encouraged to maintain that relationship away from your marital home.

@mbosnz absolutely. I loved your comment, spot on!

Then thank you so much!

@kelly781 let’s pretend I’m the OP, and you’re the MIL....

FUCK OFF. GET OUT. GO AWAY.

Funny thing is, I'm likely to have DIL's, despite having daughters - twill be interesting!

There’s no way I’d be changing/modifying/adding locks to my frankly beautiful doors to keep out my mil. (Use a wedge, OP!) I’d bollock her arse and make her leave, I absolutely would not tolerate this shit in my own house.

What does your DH say, OP?

All this “get your DH to deal with it”
WTF? The OP is a grown-assed woman and the MIL is in her house

I don't disagree with this, but with someone so unpleasant there's every chance she'd try to turn it round to "Ooooo DS, why's your wife being so nasty to US" - which could well make things worse if DH's devoid of balls

Then again, if he's flaccid enough to allow his wife to be treated like this without comment, there's probably little hope anyway

FFS, have your DH show her the door. She told a horrible lie (that someone was dying nearby) so you'd feel bad and host her. Not on. Have your DH tell her she has to go immediately and she won't be welcome back.

IF he won't, tell him you're checking into a hotel and he can pay for it until she leaves. Let him deal with her.

'Flaccid enough' - pmsl!

Pack her bags for her.

And yes, I agree with the PP who said there's no need for anyone to tell her to f**k off. Why give her something real to criticise when a cutting but calm reply may be just as effective, especially if it includes an instruction to leave?

Anyway there's little point in yet another thread about this until we know what OP's actually planning to do. @Mumto2two perhaps you could clarify for us ...

How far away does she actually live?
How long was she planning to stay this time?
Do you have any DCs who are absorbing this example?
What's DH's view on it all?
More to the point, what does he intend to do about it?

Yes it must appear on here that I have no backbone and have only ourselves to blame, but it’s hard to convey the complexity of her character, and how one minute you start to feel guilty for feeling like you don’t want her around, while the next you feel violated and angry. Her behaviour is scarily reminiscent of an abusive ex I had in my 20s. He could be so charming, could not do enough for me and everything in the beginning, as is so often with abusive relationships..too good to be true. But then their urge to control seeps in..and you start to feel suffocated. He would announce a surprise outing or dinner somewhere..on a night he knew I was already out, and then be angry and upset if I reminded him that I already had plans. It is their way of trying to control you and keep you in their thrall. It is no different with MIL, it is exactly how she operates. My eldest child detests her being around, she had her sussed by the age of 12, but my youngest sees her friends with their grandmas, and of course likes the novelty of her being here, yet there is a palpable restraint on giving her the hugs and affection that most grandkids would give. She is one of those people who is gushing fake warmth with her vice like hugs and monotone praise, yet steely cold on the inside, and she will switch seamlessly between the two from one hour to the next.
Her comment on the ‘miss a dinner’ incident, came from her impatience at me saying I was hungry, and would she like to eat first before we left. So yes it very much did happen, but people like this are so adept at delivering acerbic insults, in a way that makes you question what you’ve really just heard. They say it with such an air of casual authority, it really is like second nature. I’m not the kind to be hostile or rude to anyone, so yes it is hard when it’s your children’s grandma, and I want them to have some kind of relationship with her, without the rude irritating suffocation of her being here of course!

For gods sake OP put your big girl knickers on open the front door and say “off you fuck we have had enough now”

Anyone that barged into my shower room whilst I was showering would have had something hard thrown at them. Why do people allow this type of behaviour to continue in their own homes?

Thing is OP I'm really not sure why you'd want your DC to have a relationship with her, she sounds like she will cause them nothing but heart ache. I think tomorrow you can say well as so and so isn't ill there really is no need for you to stay, so it's probably best if you go home and then leave it at that, honestly you don't need this in your life and your Dc certainly don't.

What is her hold over your DH?

Sound like your kids aren't overly bothered about the verminous cretin.