MIL from hell has arrived...yet again!

[Mumto2two]

MIL has just dropped another one of her surprise long-distance extended visits, having sworn to ex-communicate her after the last.
She is the classic covert narcissist. Makes you feel guilty about disliking her as she always wants to 'help', but really just wants to interfere and control, and goes all ice-maiden when not dancing to her tune.
She has no regards for our plans or our privacy, (walks into our bedroom without knocking, barged into our private shower room this morning and caught me starkers. Didn't flinch or apologize, just demanded to know when I would be ready) has an air of entitled grandiosity, and expects us to dance to her tune at all times. She also makes it very clear, that her son is golden child, and I don't pander to him enough. She now has the hump as we have a weekend away booked from over two months ago (she arrived last weekend with 2 days notice of her arrival), and is unhappy that we are not cancelling our plans for her. She had assumed that we could either, add her in, or not go at all, and having endured insults, (eg, told me I was fat enough to miss the odd dinner, when she wanted me to go somewhere before we had eaten-btw I am 7 stone!) sulks, bad moods and pushy behaviour..for 7 days flat...I am done with this control freak. Please tell me how you would deal with this woman...before I say something I might very much regret..

She sounds an utter snake.

So, given the advice so far, what do you think might be a plan of action OP?

I mean, if ranting will help, rang away. The thing is it isn’t going to actually change the situation is it? And the situation does need to change.

May I ask what DH has to say about all this? I may have missed a comment about it as I quickly schemed through ..

Tell her to leave. Book her an airbnb. You don't have to put up with this.

@Mumto2two - Your DH's opinion and his actions are conspicuous by their (near) absence. Do you have his full support? Can you a) reprimand her, b) put a lock on the door, c) tell her to leave if need be, with impunity?

Does she barge in on your dds?

Your problem is that you deal with each incident on its own not as part of a pattern. Hence you were guilted by talk of ill relations instead of thinking "Aye, right" with a raised eyebrow.

The basic rule with someone like her is that she will be awful to you. Therefore you strictly limit contact. She gets off on being awful to you and so she will say and do anything to get back with access to be awful, just like she did this time. Therefore you always looks at the pattern of behaviour so no matter what she says you don't let her gain access again.

Wow. Quite frankly am so shocked at some of these comments!! Is that how you all were brought up with no respect, that's somebody's mother! So you all would love it if your brothers wife was to kick your mother out on the streets, telling her to F off!! Or even when your own sons wife kicks you out when one day you are a mil. Yes the mil isn't being nice towards the poster, but you can advise her in better terms with how to deal with it.

What a peculiar attitude ot have to someone just because they had children. Just the act of having a child doesn't transform you, me, or anyone else into a sacred object. This one really is a nasty old trout and needs to sod off.

She’s horrible. I do not understand why you have not told her to leave. It can’t be good for your DC either to have such a vile person around.

I don't understand why the husband and father is allowing this to happen.
His eldest dd has her sussed and doesn't like her, so she has to put up with it. His Wife has to put up with her lies, insults and lack of privacy.
What decent man would expect his family to put up with this.

No offence Op but that another post fo you moaning about her with no step to doing something.

If you just want a rant and to let it out fine. But you are apart of the problem.

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If she protests you have a perfect opening to tell her the new house rules.

I appreciate it’s another moan about her, but that’s not to say we have not covered a lot of ground on this here at home. Our whole marriage has been spent trying to interject her interferences, and we have managed to improve on the situation we had ten years ago. That was when she was booking 3 month holidays over here, and not 3 or 4 weeks! DH had in the beginning been very reticent about upsetting her, but he is now very much on my side. She has gone to stay with a friend in another county for a few days, and he is so cross about her behaviour he wants to tell her she is not welcome back, whereas I’m not sure that’s the way to deal with this. There must be a way of relaying our upset about her behaviour, without being so blunt and cruel. It’s his mum, that’s what holds me back.
My youngest child asked me tonight, why am I upset with grandma when she has been so nice to us..’she brought us presents and booked us theatre tickets to go and see a show with her’.. yes on a day we said we would struggle to make. What grandma wants, grandma gets. No gesture is ever without a string. She hasn’t quite sussed that out yet, and I don’t want to be the one to shatter that idyllic grandma illusion.

"I'm cross with Grandma because she acts atrociously, but buys gifts as a sweetener so we put up with her shit." Or other age appropriate words.
I think that now is an ideal time to teach your children that nice behaviour is more important than buying you stuff.

Your DH is actually willing to tell her not to come back and you are hesitating? Are you nuts?

Of course, if you told him to go ahead he'd probably slip a disc from backpedaling so hard. He knows it's a safe offer because your guilt would never allow it.

Why not let him do it? It is his mother after all.

So again. You are the massive problem. You are orchestrating your own misery!

Stop being such a martyr.

Beautifully put, @Contraceptionismyfriend

Yes the mil isn't being nice towards the poster, but you can advise her in better terms with how to deal with it.

Go on then.

What @CraftyYankee said x 1,000,000

You would be insane to let her back. Also stop thinking she’s going to change. She isn’t. Ever. As far as she’s concerned she’s doing nothing wrong. And you’re not protecting you children, you are allowing their gm to manipulate them and put up with shit because people appear nice. Be truthful.

Either that or no absolutely nothing and we can all read about the next visit at some point on the future.

So again. You are the massive problem. You are orchestrating your own misery!

Stop being such a martyr.

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Also @Mumto2two as a parent it’s up-to you to show your younger DD that her behaviour is not okay. It is certainly not okay that barges in on you and is foul...but then sweetens it with theatre tickets. Tell your DD that you cannot be bought with gifts, that a person needs to act kindly.

Your dh has buggered off and left you to deal with her?

Let him tell her she isn't welcome until she can behave.

Out of interest, OP, is there a nice inheritance being dangled by MIL to keep you from cutting her off? Is that why you put up with her shit and are teaching your kids to do the same?

Haven't read the entire thread yet but OP I thought this would help

Its basically a how to handle your venomous MiL 🤣🤣🤣

So why moan if you just want to stay in the mire?
Suck it up buttercup! Or else find some self respect but then, there is no martyrdom in standing your ground and god help us what would you be without the title of martyr!

You should actually tell her to fuck off. And mean it, and enforce it. Bloody hell...